Hurt And Confused

@Deepa100
Don't be too hurt by the comments. Like I said mothers and daughters have a strange bond. And only people who have gone through situation like this can understand what you are feeling. You can't force yourself, to be loved if she doesn't want you... It's the same like every other relationship or communication. It has to be 2 ways.
Sell the idea of traveling to your mom...or even ask her to come along with your aunt/ relative ( she might keep herself occupied). Maybe get Indian cable ( they are a big hit among Indian parents) If you can make a list of her interest... I am sure you will find many things in the US to keep her interest sparked.
Sell her on ideas what she would like... Sell that she can do that in the US. It will be fun.
Is she on FB? Does she like social networking...??If not introduce her to social networking... Maybe get her a nice smartphone to go with it... Tell he she doesn't have to miss your sis's kids when she is in US.. She can be in touch with them when she is in the US.
My MIL was introduced to FB recently and jeez she took such an interest.

I have to agree that JGVR post - it did show some points about working mother's that I hadn't realized.

PS- I have a working mother and a sibling. I totally understand what you are going through.

 

Op...this is an online forum and we posters are just names here,so their is no personal agenda involved in the responses .
I read your post three times before responding .Of course the responses are based on the information given by the Op and based on that information,I stand by my response.
You have the choice of ignoring the response or read it and see if it makes some sense.The fact that you find nothing worth introspecting makes me feel I was not harsh.
If it hurt you...it was not meant to because I don't know you personally.
If it hurt you...I apologize but still stand by my response.You can choose to introspect your part in this problem or choose to not meet your mother......or whatever.

If you do not like response from any particular poster ...there is an option of putting them on the ignore list.

Yes I do have a younger sister who is the apple of my parents and every one else's eyes.Yes ,I also believe they favor her and I am sure she feels the same way. I also believe she must be more fun to be around and If my parents find happiness in that,I am very happy for all of us.If my parents are happy and my sister is happy,as their elder daughter and elder sister, that is a big load of my shoulders .

 

Dear OP,
Here nobody is trying to put salt in your wound. We just put some thoughts of ours for you to think about...
You are right, there is nothing wrong of you to expect some motherly affections and pamperings during your post pregnancy period. But dear please understand, not all mothers are made in the same way.Some may pitch in with high enthusiasm during their daughters pregnancy time,delivery time,post pregnancy, child care etc etc etc.. But some of them may be not having the energy or enthusiasm for the same. Is there anything wrong in that??? Not really in my opinion. You may differ. But in my opinion, parents owe nothing to thei grown up children. If they gladly pitch in to help, kindly accept it. If not,make your mind to accept it too. It doesn't mean that your mother no longer loves you. It means she wants to live the rest of her life the way she wants. Is there any point in forcing her or fight with her???Infact your mother did come to US to help you, so the thing is not as bad as you are thinking...Try to put yourself in her shoes. Talk to her daily in a pleasant tone, with an open mind ad no expectations.I am sure your mother will understand u, and also you too will understand her. Regards

 

op on an average most of people dont like being around perfectionist.
They feel like a they cant make them happy no matter how hard they try.

I see you and you mother are very different personality.
You like doing things perfectly while she sounds like a messy person.
On other hand your sister is people pleaser. She knows how to be good in everyone's book.
I have doubt she is manipulating situation for her own interest too.

I grew up with sister who was manipulative too.
I felt unloved,unappreciated because my mother had all her focus on her all the time.
She was not my real sister.( my aunts daughter living with us).So she was always bechari.
So my mother did everything extra for her for making her felt comfortable home.
She always took her side whenever we had fights.
Things change only after my sister's marriage.

Op this is to tell you that i understand what you are going through.
May be you need to do some changes in your personality.
Be more political.There is something sibling rivalry going on i suspect.

Google out "sibling rivalry" and you will discover there are lots of stories on internet like yours.
Knowing that its just not you alone unlucky helps.

 

Hi my sister is a perfectionist and even though I love her to the moon and back I cannot stay with her for too many days, but we talk on phone constantly. It is really hard living with perfectionist I know this first hand. As well, I am not trying to say anything bad to you but you have to look at things from her prespective too. I know so many people from India who come to US and are miserable here. They miss the "ronick" of India, the hustle and bustle and the smells and they leave it all behind. Your mother did do a very kind thing for you to help you out post partum. I personally would never tell my mother how to cook, I love her cooking. If she travelled all that way, accept her food the way it is, it is only for 3 months, be grateful that she is cooking for you. Also, you are blaming your medical problems post partum on your mom because she did not follow the recipees or rituals post partum. I don't agree with that, look around in US, you will see so many woman have a baby and the next day they are at mall shopping, my colleague brought her baby in 2 days after it was born. I think Indian people put too much emphasis on post natal care and do's and don'ts. I think just take care of the body the best way you can. And don't rely on anyone to do it for you. In my situation my mom likes my sister way better, tells me how clean her house is, how great she is, but I don't let it bother me, because my mom still loves me and I am used to this from childhood. I instead focus on my husband and child and that is the family I put first and am loyal to. And don't compare yourself to other friends or SIL because you will feel let down. I can understand where you are coming from but you need to put yourself in your mom shoes as well. Take care.

 

Dear OP,

I am not sure what you are expecting in this forum through this thread. Are you expecting an ear to listen to your mental agony? Some people to validate your stand, and encourage you? Some one to understand you and relate your case with theirs? Or a solution to your problem?
Many people come here for a solution. They just present their problems, and expect an analysis from a 3rd person's POV. This really helps. It had helped me so many times in the past to introspect my own faults and problems too.
Assuming you are also expecting a solution, let me state my POV here.

This is the main reason behind your problem. As you have rightly stated below, it is true that people often finds it difficult to cope and be normal with the perfectionist. They see them differently. Thus socializing with them is a little tough.

Plus you expect a lot from others despite of knowing that you don't like them to be "themselves" rather you want them to act as per your way. Again, that's a reason for being disliked by others.
I personally do not know you. But I am saying this from your above information.

Here we go...
She is new to the US. That doesn't mean she is new to be decent. She knows manners, and she is an educated working woman. Who has taken leave, traveled across the continents by leaving her comfort zone to be with you when you are in need.
But you are teaching her the morals of living in America... Isn't it rude to tell an adult, educated mother on how to use bathrooms, toilets and kitchen and even cook???
I mean, it is not rude if you were telling them in a very humble and diplomatic manner. Else, it would seriously hurt the visitor if she is to follow the hosts instruction on basic stuff like how to use the bathroom and kitchen.
Come on... She is your mom.. Now a family member, at least for these 3 months time. She should be allowed be normal, and comfortable. You cant expect her to meet your perfection in everything she does, including her own nature calls.
No doubt that she felt unloved.
As you said, they were simple silly things. You could have overlooked them or adjusted with them instead of expecting her to be perfect, as per your standards.

This speaks volumes about her unhappiness and loneliness when she was with you. She was not actually lying in the phone about feeling lonely. She was not actually betraying as she vented about the incidents with your sis. She was indeed talking her heart out, venting those bitter feelings, as she was clearly unhappy there with you.

OK.. You did not treat your mom well, rather demanded, commanded her to live at your place as per your standards. So, she disliked, and vented out her frustrations after going home. This has created a lot of trouble between the 2 families, and now it is somehow settling.
Knowing all this, why do you want your mom to come back to the US.
If it is on a normal situation, she would have chosen to forget the pass, and hoped for the best.
But now, she feels wanted at her other daughter's place. She feels uncomfortable to leave the kid (who is in her care for longer time).
Do you think your mom will enjoy in the US, if she is to come with you?
Even if she decides to come out of compulsion, she will be feeling uncomfortable for her own reasons.
Unless you are in need of her, why are you troubling her this time????

Your mom has done more than her shares. That too without your dad's support. First of all, be thankful of what has been given to you, instead of expecting.


Dear OP,
Although you have not stated anything much about your sister here, it gives me an impression that your sister must be an easy going person. People often like such persons. There is no doubt.
Your mom feels comfortable at your sister's place. She feels comfortable to discuss her emotional turmoils and sadness with your sister. But she doesn't even open her mouth with you. This tells so much, although nothing much is written here.

Elderly people often expect some kind of validation and appreciation for their stay. Else, they feel useless and unloved. They naturally have this insecurity feeling for being easily disposed by others due to their old age.
So, try to understand their psychology. Just like we try so much to understand the kid's psychology and adjust everything according to child friendly manner.

My mom lives with me. She loves to stay at my place over my siblings place. Though there were pressing needs, my mom tries her best to avoid going there, and cite reasons like "need to look after my kids, my sickness etc..." to be here.
She feels highly uncomfortable at my siblings place to spend more than a week.
Not that my siblings were rude, but there is something she likes in me/my place; thus feeling comfortable.
My siblings have learnt to live without her. So they can't involve her beyond a visitor's status. Their kids and their homes are perfect without her, so she feels unwanted. Whereas, she will be highly missed even if that is a 1/2 day at my place. So, she feels wanted here.
Understanding this will help everyone. Thankfully my siblings do understand this.

Now, I don't verbally appreciate my mom. But my actions speak volumes. I love her food. Although they were simple dal rice combo, it tastes so good. She knows that.
I would wait for her to serve my tea, food. Although I do the cooking, serving and feeding for others (H, kids), I would wait for my mom to serve for me. It feels good. If she is not around to serve me, I would wait till she comes. She knows that, so she would rush to home to serve me on time.
These are those untold affections. This way, my mom feels wanted, respected at my place.
My Kids do miss her, and sleep with her. So she knows how special she is here. This makes her comfy.

I think your mom is comfortable at your sister's place. It is her right to chose where she wants to stay.

 

try explaining situation to your mother and sister convincingly.

 

hi Deepa,
I hope you are feeling better. I think... I myself want to post about my parents fighting. But, let me just say that I think you did do right in explaining that what kind of food etc you all like. But, I think she misread and felt offended.
I see, with my parents too. It will eventually have to be you, to bury the hatchet. As. elders dont really like to take the first step
take care