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Hurt And Confused

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Deepa100, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Offlate I have started having this continuous feeling of turmoil within myself.

    I have been having a lot of misunderstandings rather arguments with my mother over many things. My relation with my in-laws is not great either due to many bitter incidents.

    Let me tell everything in detail.

    I have been married for 11years and have 2 children. Was living in a joint family with in-laws until I relocated to USA and was working as well. Presently a home maker and will be joining work once my younger one is a bit older.

    My sister has been married for 7 years and has a child who is 3 years now. She is working while my mother takes care of her kid. I had my mom come over to USA for taking care of me and my children post my delivery. It was her first visit here. She is a working woman and so she applied leave to visit me.
    Her character is such that she gets influenced by whatever others say. Likewise many people told her that life in US is very mechanical and one will feel bored etc etc.

    From the very first day she landed here she was constantly sitting with a sullen expression on her face and she used to say life is very mechanical here and in India it is more lively. Well, she is not a social butterfly in India too. She does not mingle with neighbours or relatives. She stays with my sister and she likes her family very much as sis's husband was my mom's collegue.

    She is very lively at my sis's home. When she came to my home, despite her knowing my hubby very well fro 11 years and even before that since mine is a love marriage she did not talk to him much.
    In fact she did not talk to me much at all leave alone taking care of me post partum.
    Small things also she was not doing right like preparing whatever i had asked her to, She was acting like she is getting bossed over by me. By nature i am a perfectionist and she knows that but she was behaving as though i am ill-treating her by calling her and ordering her to do this and that while all i was doing was asking her to take care of me and prepare stuff that i had been dying to have since i had gestational diab during preg ad could not eat many stuff.

    She kept complaining throughout and used to goto a room and browse endlessly for recipes but never used to cook any!!! She used to secretly call my sis's husband and talk to them as though she is feeling alone here. I used to take her out for walks, taught her to use internet which she learnt, hubby used to take her out to diff places. She was not interested to make friends with other ladies(my friend's mom was here too).

    Many a time while she was here I have tried having a conversation with her asking her whats troubling her and why she is behaving so weirdly. She refuses to talk to me(problem right from before marriage with her) like she talks to my sis. Once back in India, she has told her feelings to my sis saying that I was rude to her and used to scold her and that she has cried herself to sleep many times.My sis picked up a fight with me despite me having told her myself what had happened here between me and mom. I felt betrayed and now not in talking terms with her.

    Ok, let me tell you what i did too. My mom is new to USA. So i had to tell her few stuff like how to use the bathroom, kitchen stuff etc etc. Also, I used to tell her how we liked our food. Ex: she makes dry subzis while we like ones with gravies for rotis. I even showed her how much water to put. For this she felt like I was teaching her how to cook etc etc. I like to keep all things ready for baby before the bath time while my mother lets the baby wet and then searches for towel, dress, diaper etc. Simple silly things like this.

    I managed to cook all speciality items for her depsite my back pain post delivery(cause i know she would not come back here ) and heavy bleeding but she never had a word of appreciation for it. If my sis cooks she used to compliment. So i started comparing and picked up a fight cause i was hurt.

    3 months she was here. She was happiest the day she left USA.

    Now i have a marriage to attend in India and I told her that I will be travelling with the kids and while returning I would like her to come with me. Sis is back in work and sis's hubby is in another city on a transfer for 2 years. So mom, sis and her kid will be at sis's place. So mom said not possible due to situation. I said, why cant you have sis's mil come over for 2 months at least and u can come over here to spend time with my kids for atleast 2 months. She started giving reasons like sis MIL has shoulder pain etc etc. and she cant let sis and her her kid alone nor have sis kid goto day care.

    In an earlie incident in my sis's baby shower, she got dressed for everybody except me and when i asked she said you don see all these formalities so i did not buy. Its not about formalities, it is about the feeling of me being wanted there.. she did not understand that.

    Lot of things like this has made me feel so unloved. When i told her i am going to settle in US, her first statement was, who will settle the ongoing property issue!!! I don get the love and affection from MIL anyway(she cares excellently for my SIL and I envy her for that) and from mother too. My dad is irresponsible from before and it was mom who brought me n my sis up to what we are now. But does that mean that is the only duty. I know of many single moms who not just provide basic needs but also display love and affection and are there whenever the chilren need them.

    Here, she is there only when my sis needs but she does not accept that.

    Either there is a mental problem with me for being disliked by all or it is just in my nature to expect a lot. Whatever it is, I am feeling very down. I told my mother I will come for marrige in India but will not visit her or stay. Will stay at in-laws place(hav no other place to go) and leave after a short stay fo 15 days while in fact i was eager to stay for 2 months.

    Every other mother in the planet loves her daughter dearly and showers affection. Here mom, mil all are shunning me. Feeling like crying continuously, Cannot tel this to anybody. Used to tell my sis my feelings but she used those against me to pinpoint me and my attitude.

    My mom and sis both are lazy and do stuff slowly while i am a perfectionist and have been that way since the time i knew about my existence.
    Feeling depressed.
     
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  2. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Deepa100
    I feel your situation. Try to see if your mom can find a maid for you to help with the kids. You can pay them and they will take care of the kids in India.
    I feel your mother wants you to apologize, I am sure she doesn't understand that you were just trying to show her the ways of living in the US.
    Before you leave India. Get all the favorite things your mother likes, sit with her and tell her how you feel left out.
    Don't point out her mistake or defend your situation or explain anything.

    Just make sure you tell her, you are deeply hurt and it would be better to resolve among both of instead of involving your sis or anyone.
    I am sure your mother loves you, she may be feeling that she has had come out of her comfort zone to help you ( she might be seeing it a personal sacrifice, that she did). Goodluck
     
    sindmani and KashmirFlower like this.
  3. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Blindpup,

    I have told her many times openly when she was in US and even I was in India that I feel unloved and left out and that she prefers and gives my sister more importance than me when in fact i am the one who stood for her whenever she was having issues with my in-laws. I have fought for her sake with my in-laws. My dad is always creating problems at home and I am the one that stood for her. No point taking nice stuff for her. I have done that many times over. In fact, on her 60th birthday I surprised her with a cake and dinner that I arranged online with home bakers and home cooks sitting here in the US. Not for any appreciation but to show that I care and I wnt to make the 60th birthday when she retires too as a special one. But she did not show any special appreciation just as though it was something usual.

    I am not invoving my sis, I just told her what i felt and how my mom is behaving in a weird manner since she came to US. She listened as though she is concerned and later on another day she picked up a fight with me over another silly thing(because she had an argument with her hubby) and brought up this issue.

    Yes, you are right about the scarifice thing. She has never done anything for me till now without me begging her to do so.

    So I just want to cut all ties with them. No special desire to see grandkids.Never comes on skype until i ask. she knows how to btw. but from here she was always in constant touch with sis n enquiring about her kid through whatsapp.
     
  4. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Also, it is my sis's kid that is to be taken care of. I suggested that now a days most companies allows work from home option as I myself had it availed when i had my first born. Other option was a day care. I myself was left in a day care by my mom until my grandparents. She is like a frog in the well, she feels all day cares are evil.
     
  5. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    My mother was the one who sat and cried her heart out in front of my sis and her husband and has given them an impression that I have called and ill-treated her.

    TO be honest, I feel a pinch in my heart whenever I see my friends mums or even my own MIL pampering their daughters. At present MIL is here in USA. She invited herself over. She does not even bother to cook or do anything even once in a while. Even if I have a headache and am sleepin and delay cooking due to sleeping she patiently waits but won cook :) What to say.. can only laugh. Anyways she is not the issue now.
     
  6. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Deepa100
    I am sorry, its such a strange bond with mothers and daughters. Can't help but to say I have been there and faced similar things too...
    Don't defend your past with your siblings( coz they all will use it only for their benefit especially if they are married.. (you dont know what your BIL is teaching your sis too). Nobody can relate to what you are going through.

    Does your mom feel you are being pampered, by your father so she has to do this?

    Don't involve your mother, in anything.. DOnt ignore her too.. just treat her as an acquaintance and when you go to India be independent in handling your kids and make your mother jealous be being extra close to you MIL :tonguewink:. If you have aunts, be close to them... Dont involve your mother.
    Go to all your relatives house without your mother and be very friendly and your relatives should tell your mother how friendly/ independent you were.
    It will surely make your mother see you in a different light

    Why do you want your mother in the US? Some people just don't like being away from their comfort zone... To me... it just seems like she feels she is doing extra thing for you.. because it a different country.. (out of her comfort zone). Maybe sell her on ideas like it will be fun to travel in the US. ( if she likes outdoors)
    Do you think she would feel anything different if you asked your aunt to join you to the US? Just a question.. not that you should plan on doing it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
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  7. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Since your mom is a working woman,she feels subordinate when you give her instructions.Her ego is stopping her to listen to you.Also your mom feels that since she stays with your sister,your sister takes care of her more than you.She also feels that she will be bossed around when she comes to US again.

    I don't think any amount of explanation will do any good unless and until she feels the affection to be with you and your kids.

    This time while coming back,don't bring your mom with you.Put your kids in day care and do your work.Give her a couple of years more time and then invite her.

    Also stop craving for an affection you don't get.You get lot of affection from your kids and hubby-many women don't have that.Count your blessings and give back all your attention and affection to them.As your mom ages,she will understand you.
     
  8. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    Blindpup,

    I am highly motivated to try those ideas
    I wanted my mother here so that I can show different places here since her first visit was for my delivery and she was here for just three months. Also, this is the first time I have a home for myself. Many times when i used to invite her to stay over at my inlaws place when they were away she used to tell me she would stay on a vacation when I have a home of my own. So now I want to take care of her here for sometime.
     
  9. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    JGVR,
    You really got tears in my eyes when you mentioned the words that no amount of explanation will make her realise until she feels on her own. It is cent percent true and i did realize it too today.

    I have decided not to ever invite her here. Though my mil is different in the way she treats me and SIL, there is one thing I realised. Whenevery hubby or me needed help she would be the first to step up. Just for that one thing I do not take whatever she does seriously. With my mom, she always agrees first and later declares she cannot do it.
     
  10. Deepa100

    Deepa100 Gold IL'ite

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    I never really got to experience the love a father shows to a daughter so I have always been an ardent fan of my mom and have always stood up for her even when she has been in the wrong many times in the past. I would never tolerate any word against her. My parents don have never had a cordial relationship since the time I can remember. All I hav seen growing up were fights, arguments that my dad picks up with mom. So they both stopped talking to each other totally till date.

    I feel sort of orphaned now.
     

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