1. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Humour

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by sonu_627, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    somebody is noticing u !!!!

    A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.


    As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
    Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales
    person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.


    With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
    Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back
    and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,

    "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to **** yourself when you hear the price.
    <!-- / message --><!-- sig --> __________________:lol:
     
  2. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Wal-Mart Diagnosis

    One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe said to Mike behind him,
    "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replied.
    "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
    sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
    it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.. a lot cheaper than a
    doctor."

    So Joe put a urine sample in a
    small jar and took it to Wal-Mart. He
    deposited ten dollars, and the computer lit up and asked for the urine
    sample. He poured the sample into the slot and waited.

    Ten seconds later, the computer printed out the following message: You
    have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It
    will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

    That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
    began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home,
    he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
    his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure,
    and hurried to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

    He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
    results. The computer lit up, and ten seconds later printed
    the
    following:
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant, twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
    better.
    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

    :mrgreen:
    :rotfl
     
  3. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    A doozie

    In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS. The President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.

    On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus. He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

    Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten storey building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

    As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

    Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

    Ordinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.

    The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

    In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple.

    They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down.

    When one intends to kill a subject "A" but kills subject "B' by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject "B"

    When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and both said that they thought the gun was unloaded.

    The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an un-loaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her.

    Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidently loaded.

    The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting.

    It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the ponpensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother.

    Since the loader of the gun, was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

    The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

    Now comes the exquisit twist. Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

    He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother's murder on March 23rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.

    The son had actually murdered himself.

    :? :clap
     
  4. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    No offence!!!

    There were two nuns...

    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

    A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

    :mrgreen::lol::-D
     
  5. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Letter to son

    My Dearest Redneck Son,


    I'm writing this real slow, because I know you can't read fast. We don't
    live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper
    that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.



    I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
    that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't
    have to change their address.


    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure
    it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
    pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.


    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
    time for three days, and the second time for four days.



    About that coat you wanted me to send; -- your Uncle Billy-Bob said it
    would be too heavy to send in the mail with the big buttons on, so we
    had to cut them off. You can find them in the pockets.


    Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
    because it took him two hours to get me and your Pa out.



    Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
    yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. It's the dangdest
    thing, but the baby looks just like your oldest brother.


    Uncle Bobby-Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to
    pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated;
    -- he burned for three days.


    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Bubba wasRe
    driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
    friends, Cletus and Buford, were in the back. They drowned because they
    couldn't get the tailgate down.



    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
    has happened.


    Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

    :clap
     
  6. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Shaadi!!

    May be fun ! enjoy or forget !


    Shaadi ke pehle - Maine Pyar Kiya
    Shaadi ke baad - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?

    Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
    Shaadi ke baad - Kuch Nahi Hota Ha

    Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
    Shaadi ke baad - Dil To Pagal Tha

    Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
    Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye

    Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
    Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge

    Shaadi ke pehle - Chandramukhi
    Shaadi ke baad - Jwaalamukhi

    Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
    Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap

    Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
    Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage

    Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
    Shaadi ke baad - Barbadi Ka Reason

    Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
    Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

    Shaadi ke pehle - chal chayya chayya
    Shaadi ke baad - ah aab laut chale

    Shaadi ke pehle - hum aapke dil main rehte hain
    Shaadi ke baad - hum apke ghar main rehte hain

    Shaadi ke pehle - arzoo
    Shaadi ke baad - asoo

    Shaadi ke pehle - soldier
    Shaadi ke baad - major sahib

    Shaadi ke pehle - pyaar hona hi tha
    Shaadi ke baad - meri saath esa kyu hua

    Shaadi ke pehle - jeevan saathi
    Shaadi ke baad - bachcho ke baad, bangaye hathi

    Shaadi ke pehle - deewana
    Shaadi ke baad - anjaam

    Shaadi ke pehle - laila majnoo
    Shaadi ke baad - dono majnoon

    Shaadi ke pehle - taj mahal
    Shaadi ke baad - sadak

    Shaadi ke pehle - tammana
    Shaadi ke baad - tamasha
    <!-- / message --><!-- controls -->

    Its better to read n forget!!!!:wave
     
  7. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Lessons In Logic

    If your father is a poor man,
    it is your fate but,
    if your father-in-law is a poor man,
    it's your stupidity.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I was born intelligent -
    education ruined me.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Practice makes perfect.
    But nobody's perfect
    so why practice?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If it's true that we are here to help others,
    then what exactly are the others here for?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Since light travels faster than sound,
    people appear bright until you hear them speak.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Money is not everything.
    There's MasterCard & Visa.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One should love animals.
    They are so tasty.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Behind every successful man, there is a woman
    And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Every man should marry.
    After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The wise never marry.
    and when they marry they become otherwise.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Success is a relative term.
    It brings so many relatives.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Never put off the work till tomorrow
    what you can put off today.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Your future depends on your dreams"
    So go to sleep.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There should be a better way to start a day
    Than waking up every morning.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Hard work never killed anybody"
    But why take the risk.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Work fascinates me"
    I can look at it for hours.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    God made relatives;
    Thank God we can choose our friends.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The more you learn, the more you know,
    The more you know, the more you forget
    The more you forget, the less you know
    So... why learn.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A bus station is where a bus stops.
    A train station is where a train stops.
    On my desk, I have a work station.
    what more can I say.

    :clap
     
  8. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    630
    Likes Received:
    92
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    Trader Joke

    Trader Joke <hr style="color: rgb(209, 209, 225);" size="1"> <!-- / icon and title --> <!-- message --> A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
    He reduced his altitude and saw a man below.
    "Excuse me, but can you help me?
    I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
    I don't know where I am," he said.

    The man below replied: "You are in a hot air balloon
    hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
    You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
    between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."

    To which the balloonist replied:
    "You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said:
    "I am, but how did you know?"

    The reply came from above: "Everything you told me is
    technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
    information, and the fact is I'm still lost.
    Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

    The man below responded: "You must be a trader."
    To which the balloonist replied: "Yes, I am, but how did you know?"

    To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you
    are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position
    due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have
    no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem.
    The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
    before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
    <!-- / message --><!-- sig --> __________________
     
  9. prathi

    prathi Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    37
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Enjoy this

    SIR: BACHCHO KASAM KHAO KABHI SHRAB, SIGRET NAHI PIOGE, NON VEG NAHI KHAOGE.



    BACHCHE : NAHI KHAENGE SIR.

    SIR : KABHI LADKIYON KO NAHI CHHEDOGE.

    BACHCHE : THEEK HAI SIR.

    SIR : JUA NAHI KHELOGE.

    BACHCHE : OK SIR.

    SIR : DESH KE LIYE JAAN BHI DE DOGE.

    BACHCHE : DE DENGE SIR,AISI JAAN KA AUR KARENGE BHI KYA
     
  10. archukoratty

    archukoratty Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    31
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    A Complaint...

    A Sardarji Was Travelling In The Last Compartment Of A Train.
    At Each Station He Would Get Down To Fetch Water.
    When He Reached Near The Pipe The Train Was To Move And He Came Back To His Compartment Panting.
    At Last He Got Angry And He Decided To Give A Written Complaint To The Station Master As :
    " Sir, Either You Remove The Last Compartment Or You Place In In The Front Or Middle Of The Train."
     

Share This Page