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Humour

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by sonu_627, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Never always trust what u see!!!!

    Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia were travelling in a train.
    The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
    Suddenly a kissing sound and then a slap was heard !

    The train comes out of the tunnel.

    The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.

    Bush bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

    All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

    Sonia was thinking: These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya.
    Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

    Aishwarya was thinking: Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

    Bush was thinking: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya.
    She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

    Guess what Manmohan was thinking????

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    Manmohan was thinking: If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again. :clap

    PS: No offence meant.
     
  2. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Agressive anger..........Just do not try this!!!!!!!!!

    Two friends mohan and sohan are in a drinking session.. and it is midnight 12

    Suddenly Mohan asks.. " Sohan, do you know how many type of angers are there.. ? "
    Sohan replies.. " What do you mean how many types.. Anger is anger.. there are no types.. "

    Mohan says " Well want to bet.. I can show you.. there are three types.. One is just ANgry.. another is Very Angry.. and another is Agressive anger.. "

    Sohan says " You are on.. you show me that and this party is on me.. otherwise you will have to pay "

    Mohan says " OK Done, get me the telephone directory.. Hmm.. lets choose one of the number from here.. here it is.. Raghunath Rao... 23387673... mark the time.. 12:15 am.. ok here we go.. " and he switches on the speaker phone.

    Mohan then dials the number and as the phone is picked he says " Hello.. is kishore there.. "

    The voice on the other end is sleepy and asks " what ? who ? " Mohan again repeats " Is Kishore there.. "

    Voice now sounds irritated.. " There is no kishore here.. what time you people call.. do u know what time it is ? "

    Mohan says " sorry to distrub.. i think it is a wrong number.. " and disconnects.. he says " saw that.. that is one type of anger.. "

    sohan says " ok 1.. done "

    now Mohan says " we wait now... for a hour... "

    soon the time passes.. and it is 1 am in the night..

    Mohan again dials the same number and as the phone is picked he says.. " Hello... is kishore there.. ?"

    The voice at the other end now is saying angrily.. " are you an idiot.. you called the same number.. is this when you call people.. Idiot.. " and slams the phone down..

    Now Mohan says to Sohan.. " See that is the second type.. Very Angry.. now give me one more hour and then I will show you the third one "

    Sohan is now thinking it might be possible..

    Now it is 2 am and Mohan calls the same number.. " Hello.. Hi I am kishore.. Did any calls come for me.. "

    Sohan starts to laugh.. and the voice at other end is screaming..and mohan keeps the phone... saying.. " That is agressive anger.. "
     
  3. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Humour- Very brave husband

    I am the master of this house.
    Every body respects and obeys me.
    I take all the decisions in this house on all matters.
    I manage the finances of this house.
    My children are very afraid of me.
    My wife obeys me without even a whimper.
    My male friends and relatives are very jealous of me.
    I am a role model for the young males in our area.
    I am not hen-pecked.



    LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST - I HAVE MY WIFE'S PERMISSION TO SAY ALL THESE.
     
  4. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Weddings

    Weddings

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
    to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

    "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
    happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
    it simple.

    The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
    is the groom wearing black?"
     
  5. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Emergency!!!

    The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file. After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath. The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

    The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!
     
  6. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Smart move

    Three market makers and three investors were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the investors bought 3 tickets but the market makers only bought one. The investors were glad that the stupid market makers were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three market makers went to the toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the market makers saved 2/3 of the ticket price. The next day, the investors decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket. The market makers did not buy any tickets at all! When the investors saw the conductor, they went straight for the toilet, and when they heard the knocking they handed in their one ticket. They did not get it back. The market makers took it and went to the other toilet!
     
  7. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Survey

    Survey


    Last month, the U.N. worldwide conducted a survey. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

    The survey was a HUGE failure.

    In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.

    In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

    In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

    In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

    In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

    In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

    And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of world" meant.
     
  8. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

    Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

    Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

    Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

    He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!".

    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi' Jesus... I'm fockin' focked" he says.

    He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

    He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

    He says "Fock it" and crawls into bed.

    The next morning, his wife Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?".

    "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub".
     
  9. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Intelligent people

    George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
    Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips
    you can give to me?"

    Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
    with intelligent people."

    Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
    intelligent?"

    The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
    answer an intelligence riddle."

    The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
    here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
    have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
    it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

    "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

    Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
    Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
    child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
    one."

    Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
    him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
    Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you
    answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
    your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

    Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

    Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

    Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
    some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

    Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
    face,
    "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
     
  10. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Happy new Year 2006

    Two friends Ramesh and Suresh attended a written test conducted by a company to fill a vacancy.

    The test contained ten questions. Both got, 9 out of 10, the highest among the aspirants.

    The company selected Ramesh. Suesh met the company executive and questioned the decision. The company executive said "As both of you got the same marks, we have selected based on the wrong answer."

    The question wrongly answered was "Do you know your neighbour?"
    Ramesh answewred, "I don't know."
    Suresh answered, "I TOO don't know."

    Happy new Year 2006:clap
     

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