Humour

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by sonu_627, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    German Lesson

    The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
    English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
    English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year
    phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
    will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

    The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
    konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
    troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
    fotograf 20% shorter.

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
    expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
    always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
    languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
    with "z" and "w" with "v".

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
    kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
    understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
    ze forst plas.
     
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  2. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I've never had such a hearty laugh!

    Dear Sonu,
    That was a wonderful post. I never laughed like that in the recent past. First the change started innocently (or shud I say innosently) and then it took positive sharp turns and by the end English had become German, well (or wel) virtually.
    Thanks a ton for the very nice post.
    Jokes apart I think we do not have anything in our power to violate a language. May be we can add a word or two to the vocabulary but changing the spelling and the structure invariably tantamounts to the rape of the language.
    In the example you have give we'll have neither English nor German but a gruesome piece of awkward dialect which no one will deign to learn.
    Thanks once again
    varalotti
     
  3. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    One Liners.....

    One Liners.....



    Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while
    driving.
    ================================================== ========
    Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

    ================================================== ========
    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
    other is husband !

    ================================================== ========
    I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they
    wanted cash

    ================================================== ========
    A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased
    new school uniforms.

    ================================================== ========
    Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot
    live without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

    ================================================== ========
    You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it

    ================================================== ========
    Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

    ================================================== ========
    Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

    ================================================== ========
    Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

    ================================================== ========
    Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take
    it anyway.

    ================================================== ========
    My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with
    me.

    ================================================== ========
    Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

    ================================================== ========
    Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

    ================================================== ========
    A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with
    the same person.

    ================================================== ========
    You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing
    them.

    ================================================== ========
    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
    ends up with the same boss.

    ================================================== ========
    Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address
    books.

    ================================================== ========
    Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for
    you.

    ================================================== ========
    Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because
    they have to say something

    ================================================== ========
    They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets
    to speak
    <!-- / message --><!-- controls -->
     
  4. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Amassing English Language !

    Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

    Let's face it
    English is a stupid language.
    There is no egg in the eggplant
    No ham in the hamburger
    And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
    English muffins were not invented in England
    French fries were not invented in France.

    We sometimes take English for granted
    But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
    Quicksand takes you down slowly
    Boxing rings are square
    And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
    If the plural of tooth is teeth
    Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
    If the teacher taught,
    Why didn't the preacher praught.

    If a vegetarian eats vegetables
    What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
    Why do people recite at a play
    Yet play at a recital?
    Park on driveways and
    Drive on parkways

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
    Of a language where a house can burn up as
    It burns down
    And in which you fill in a form
    By filling it out
    And a bell is only heard once it goes!

    English was invented by people, not computers
    And it reflects the creativity of the human race
    (Which of course isn't a race at all)

    That is why
    When the stars are out they are visible
    But when the lights are out they are invisible
    And why it is that when I wind up my watch
    It starts
    But when I wind up this observation,
    It ends.
    <!-- / message --><!-- controls -->
     
  5. Jaya

    Jaya New IL'ite

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    good one

    Dear Sonu,

    Both my husband and I had a very nice time filled with laughter reading your posts and we both liked the german lessons most. I have forwarded it to my friends also. Keep posting more such things!!

    Regards
     
  6. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    thanks dear

    Hello Jaya,

    My pleasure Jaya!

    Sonu
     
  7. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Treat of life!!!!

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

    Smart man + smart woman = romance

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    ______________________________

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit

    Smart boss + dumb employee = production

    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    _____________________________

    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

    _____________________________

    GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    _____________________________

    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a

    little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to

    understand her at all.

    ______________________________

    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot

    more willing to die.

    ______________________________

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    _____________________________

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

    _____________________________

    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
    cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing
    the same thing to them at funerals.
     
  8. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    A Kid's View On Marriage

    A KID'S VIEW ON MARRIAGE

    What Exactly Is Marriage?
    "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

    "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old


    How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
    "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

    "My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old


    Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
    "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old


    How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
    "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

    "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old


    What Do Most People Do on a Date?
    "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

    "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old


    When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
    "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

    "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old


    The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
    "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

    "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

    "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old
     
  9. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    Think twice!!!!

    Think twice before you tell a lie to your mother !

    A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner, who lives with a girl flatmate
    Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
    how pretty Kumar's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a
    relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
    to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his flatmate than met the
    eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must
    be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just flatmates."

    About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "I was quite hesitant for
    the last one week, whether to tell you or not, but finally i decided that i
    should share with you. Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've NOT been
    unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"


    Kumar said, "Well, I don't think so, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

    So he sat down and wrote :

    Dear Mother,
    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house,
    I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains
    that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
    Love,
    Kumar

    Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

    Dear Son,
    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that
    you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
    in her OWN room, she would have found the chutney jar on the first day itself under her pillow...
    Love,
    Mom.

    Lesson of the day:
    Don't tell a lie to your mother, they have their own ways of fishing out the truth...
     
  10. sonu_627

    sonu_627 Silver IL'ite

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    write clearly!!!!!

    A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant - especially in her language - was planning a week's vacation in Florida. So she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

    After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So, she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

    Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.

    So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

    "Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late."

    "The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C."

    "I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather."

    <!-- / message --><!-- controls --> "If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
     

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