Huge Dilemma!?

Kukudukuu · Mar 3, 2017

Dear ILs,
My sister has been married for 10 months now. Her husband stays in a different city and she is still staying with my parents. They meet every once in a while, either of them making a trip to the other place. BIL did not want her to get a transfer or relocate after she resigned. He, on the other hand, doesn't seriously look for a job in a different city. Does not make up his mind for anything. Everything is in a state of coma. My parents felt that maybe he is finding it difficult to look for a job so they told him if you plan to study further we will sponsor for your education and take care of you both till you complete your course. He is however not seriously looking forward to study. He wants to resign his current job, which is not at all stable, and come and stay at my parents place and enjoy an easy readymade life and spend on my sister's salary. He and his parents are trying to take the sponsorship for granted. Though my parents have only daughters, they have brought us up to be self-sufficient and have self-respect. These people do not seem to have anything projected before the wedding. They are looking for every possible opportunity to extract something or the other in the name of tradition and the same tradition disappears when they have to give something. So far, my sister has not revealed her salary to them, not even her husband. When she told I will resign my job and come and stay with you, he only told her not to resign, come what may. How will we run the household if you resign. They seem to be more interested in the money she can bring than her. Even after working for over 6 years, his bank balance is running in negative figures. Infact, out of his salary, his parents give him some 10k to pay his rent, food and fuel. Wonder how he can manage with that!
Now the dilemma is that, should this relationship be continued ?

Kukudukuu · Mar 3, 2017

This has got posted in a wrong forum. How can I change it ?

sindmani · May 5, 2017

I think this is the right forum as u r talking about your sister. I think open talk with your sister, her husband and elders if needed can resolve this problem. It is not good for a newly married couple to be in different places . what is your sister's stand on this situation. It is her life. Divorce can be a last option. I have seen families where a husband spends lot, don't save much. But we can give some gyan to them about savings and future.

sindmani · May 5, 2017

Hope things turn out better. All the best.

Sunshine04 · May 5, 2017

Ask ur sister not to leave her job.

Umanga · May 5, 2017

Kukudukuu said: ↑

Dear ILs,
My sister has been married for 10 months now. Her husband stays in a different city and she is still staying with my parents. They meet every once in a while, either of them making a trip to the other place. BIL did not want her to get a transfer or relocate after she resigned. He, on the other hand, doesn't seriously look for a job in a different city. Does not make up his mind for anything. Everything is in a state of coma. My parents felt that maybe he is finding it difficult to look for a job so they told him if you plan to study further we will sponsor for your education and take care of you both till you complete your course. He is however not seriously looking forward to study. He wants to resign his current job, which is not at all stable, and come and stay at my parents place and enjoy an easy readymade life and spend on my sister's salary. He and his parents are trying to take the sponsorship for granted. Though my parents have only daughters, they have brought us up to be self-sufficient and have self-respect. These people do not seem to have anything projected before the wedding. They are looking for every possible opportunity to extract something or the other in the name of tradition and the same tradition disappears when they have to give something. So far, my sister has not revealed her salary to them, not even her husband. When she told I will resign my job and come and stay with you, he only told her not to resign, come what may. How will we run the household if you resign. They seem to be more interested in the money she can bring than her. Even after working for over 6 years, his bank balance is running in negative figures. Infact, out of his salary, his parents give him some 10k to pay his rent, food and fuel. Wonder how he can manage with that!
Now the dilemma is that, should this relationship be continued ?
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Money appears to be the main issue here. You want your sister's husband to work and earn money (entirely understandable) and he wants your sister to work and earn money. I assume you are normal, middle-class people without hordes of cash and will find it difficult to support a ghar jamai and the children he sires. Since he doesn't like working and wants to relax and enjoy life you should divorce him immediately. My only question is, did you not do due diligence on his background, work ethic, nature and earning potential before marrying off your sister to him?

ashneys · May 5, 2017

As irritating as d situation is, I don't think a divorce is d way out right now. He's already been irresponsible n hav come across some new money (ur sis n family) n he wants to enjoy it. Reading ur post, Him n his family comes more under d lazy, greedy ppl category, More than d bad ones.

I hav seen similar situations with some friends n relatives n sharing a few options..

Ur sis can offer to manage his finances so he doesn't run in minus n figure out wat he's doin wrong.
Ask ur sis to never quit her job
Don't reveal her pay
Don't give any money to him including studies. He already has d habit of spending his parents money, it will b so easy for him to move onto ur sis n family n spend der money.
Portray dat ur parents doesn't hav anything extra. So u can always say no.
Make sure she doesn't become liable to any of his debts n she's very clear abt it from day one. Bcoz guys like dis may take debts n expect ur sis or ur family to pay it off.
If he wants to eat in ur sis's money. Ask her to say, we will take a small house separately with basic necessities n he wud hav to run d home. Jus like in any household wen one partner works outside, d other takes care of d home. Respectfully, Der r house husbands in our country too.
She has to be super clear dat hes not gona get to sit in d in laws house wer he expects to be treated like some king. Either he works outside or inside.
If he comes with business option, ask him to apply for a loan n do. Make sure u r not liable.
Ask ur sis to Make a big deal of d wrong things initially itself or else he may get worse if she's quiet thinking she's ok with it.

N regarding d in laws, dey r jus trying to extract as much as possible using d name of tradition. Stop doin sayin u will do only if they do too. N dat too of d same value dat dey r doin. Tradition is both ways. Or else it's gona continue forever without any limitations.

Kukudukuu · May 6, 2017

Thank you for your valuable time and responses dear ladies... So, for now, the situation is that: both of them have found a job in a different city and they will be staying there in a different home... And hence, new responsibilities! My sister will not be quitting her job nor will she reveal how much she earn and what she does with her savings.. she plans to save for their future or for their kid, when they plan to have one.. he will be sharing for major house expenses and sister will be a nominal contributer...
Now the funny part is, her mil calls her every other day and keeps asking her what household items is your mom planning to buy... Lol... To which she politely responds each time, I told my mom not to buy anything for us..