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Hubby Wants Me To Keep My Feelings Aside

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shygal123, Jul 13, 2017.

  1. shygal123

    shygal123 New IL'ite

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    My hubby has asked me to be more smart when dealing with things in the house. His mom makes him do whatever she feels like. She never asks for his decisions. Few days ago hubby was going to send some money to his parents in order to do minor maintenance in the house by taking loan. We live in different city than his parents. After knowing hubby has extra money his mom decided to do one ritual for SIL's kid. We are expected to pay the money for that ritual and there was no rush for it. Hubby was thinking to do it next summer when he had enough money. Hubby requested to move the date till next summer but MIL had already made the decision, told everyone and even fixed the date without even asking DH. Then hubby decided he won't send the money for house maintenance right now since he is expected to pay for the ritual anyway and he knew his mother would use that money to spend on his sister's kid ritual rather than fixing house. His mother has a habit of buying unnecessary things and over pampering his sister even if its out of our capacity. Inlaws are not rich so hubby has done every expenses for his sister till now. Hubby called his dad and let him know he won't send the money and he will himself do shoppings for the rituals and make every payment. Then we started getting emotional call every day and night. His mom and dad called us asking for that money saying how they need it to pay some debts. Before when hubby had asked if they had any debts they had told us they did not. MIL had told DH someone who had borrowed money from her had paid her back few days back only. So this means they are not short in cash by any means. When hubby declined to send that money which he had got as loan from frens, I guess my inlaws understood that i made him not give that money to his parents. It was not my decision at all. It was DH who got very hurt how his parents always make decision without caring of his financial state and not listen to what he has to say. So since my MIL thought it was me who was not letting him send the money she had to make sure she gets the money. Day and night she called telling him she needs to pay the debts. I do not like talking to her but she forced me to talk to her once. During the call I told her how much debt we are in right now. We do have huge debts because we have taken loans and done investments. When i told her about the debt she cried with my husband and emotionally blackmailed him. She thought i was lying to her in order to not give her the money. I thought after knowing how much debt we are in they will stop asking for money but no they didnt. And they know about the investments so i do not understand why she was not believing that we were in debt.They want us to pay for the ritual and send them money as well. Finally my hubby told them that he will give them the money in order to get some peace of mind.

    DH told me that I need to be more smart and handle things carefully. He was not happy that i told his mother about the loan we have. He told me that even if she doesnt need any money, she thought i was not letting him give money to her so she had to win this thing and get money out of him. Generally when parents know about their kids financial situation they understand. Hubby was not telling his parents so i thought if i tell them about the condition they will understand but situation turned out to be opposite. They made it very stressful for hubby by calling him at work, and being on the phone not letting him sleep on time being emotionally needy. Its not like hubby hasn't send them enough money every month. According to him if i had acted nice enough in front of them he could have been more tough and told them no. He is a very good son but understands his mothers behavior well. He wants me to at least act nice to them so that he doesnt need to make up for me and deal with his parents as however its right. But its very hard for me to deal with my MIL. I don't even like hearing her voice. I ignore her all the time. Should I give it a try? I know hubby is not trying to make me act nice with his parents in order to please his mother, he is doing this so that he can be stricter to them from his side since i am one of the topic about who she complains to him and cries most of the time.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2017
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  2. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Good son's tend to feel guilty when their wives are not on the best of terms with their parents. Stay out of their financial dealings for now . It puts him in a better bargaining position with his parents, so be it. Where is the SIL 's husband in all this ?
     
    Naari and shygal123 like this.
  3. shygal123

    shygal123 New IL'ite

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    The girl's side is obliged to pay for this particular ritual so theres no part of SIL's husband beside his presence at the function. We will pay for this and get over with it. I was surprised when DH himself told me that his mother wanted to win from me so she asked for money so badly. I let my MIL do whatever she feels like and completely ignore her but this made me realize how childish she is and how hard she can make my life on the way. They might come live with us after a year. I cannot imagine how she will act after i have kids as well. My husband thinks i need to be smart while dealing with her and not let her do whatever she likes. I do not want any stress in my life and don't want to compete with anyone too but after i start living with her in the same house i cannot ignore her. Plz ladies who have a difficult MIL like me plz suggest tricks to have a stressfree life while living with MIL and also not letting her walk over you.
     
  4. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Nobody wants stress in our life. But sometimes it is inevitable. You have a husband so you will have a MIL. So learn to deal with it. and like your husband says - deal with it smartly. Being simple and straight forward may be a virtue, but is not a road to stress free life. So think of it as a game of chess. A few pawns sacrificed is worth winning the game. Let your MIL win in the small things and feel good about it, long term and big ticket items should be in your control.
    Your advantage is your husband understands that his parents are taking advantage of him, and he wants you to be smart in dealing with him. Just have patience and think you are in a strategy game.
     
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  5. Hansa78

    Hansa78 Bronze IL'ite

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    Since your DH knows about his parents intentions and dealing with them, it's better you keep yourself out of these financial matters. As he said just try to maintain a cordial relationship and leave the rest to him as he knows how to handle his parents.

    AKRITII
     
  6. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I think following everything as per your dh's suggestions might actually do you guys more good when it comes to your il's.

    As much as you did stuff for all the right reasons, if your in laws are taking it as a power play, it's not gona help at all. Infact it will be the opposite of help.

    Your dh seems to be very sensible, supportive and knows the trick about handling them, so you just be the kind n good bahu n let him handle it.

    Even when they come to live with you, you be nice n don't say anything that will trigger their power play. If they come up with something, let your dh handle it and you ignore.
     
  7. sweetumrn

    sweetumrn Senior IL'ite

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    I m also in the same situation... I m keep quite and stay away when they talk about money/spend. i always feel its of no use making anyone understand. accept the fact your INLAWS wont change and ur hubby will be forced to take up unnecessary responsibilities.
     

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