hubby issues -- a total control freak

tashidelek2002 · Feb 21, 2012

Has he ever physically abused you?

Megalife · Feb 21, 2012

Hi Suem
I feel absolute genuineness in your post and sorry for your wasted youth....like following a mirage...only to realise it was an illusion you were living with. How is he with the kid? The same?
He needs help ASAP , a good psychologist or to put it in milder terms a councillor ...his behaviour warrants consultation. Could be some sort of a disturbed childhood/fear of something unknown/phobic behaviour which gets aggravated when surrounded by a crowd.
I do not have any more worthwhile suggestions to make...hopefully some of our good friends in here will throw some light.
Mega

teacher · Feb 21, 2012

OP, your issue has many facets.
Get a job...besides financial independence it will give you opportunities to have a life outside of home. It may help you put some things in perspective.

See a marriage counselor...that may help him to see he needs more intensive help. His behavior is not normal and he needs professional help. It will also teach you to prioritize on the issues which are most important to you and let the others fade. This way you will have tried your best to make this relationship work.

You need to work on the feeling of resentment...right or wrong, because it shouldn't affect your child (or at least minimize the impact). If, after all this, you are not happy then do separate. It will be difficult on the child but you know what? Such controlling behaviors are detrimental to the child's well being as well.

Being a harmless person doesn't satisfy the requirements of being a good husband. Do get professional help...it will help identify where you need to make changes as well.

suemans · Jul 6, 2012

hey friends
i had gone to india to dispose of our flat in india/ well i did read all your suggestions. many of you want to know more
welll , i am currently working but am allowd to wrok only part time and, always reminded that my money isn ot important and that it has to go to the bank , he volujtnarily retired and constantly cribs he has no money for anytihg.
if is say somthing the whole roof will cave in. so i keep muy mouth shut tokeem mmy snaity. he has warned me inorder to qualify for govet assistance ,and to keepm y insurance i have tow rok only partime othe wise i do nto qualify for the health beneftis. my office benfit is very lusy plan , have to pay lots for deductible.
again my tirp to india was anightmare. i met one of my brother , becasue he needed his help , as language proble dealing with the house deals.
the kids had exams andthey wanted me to visit them==== i was told , we have come half way, let them come half day and see you if they care. my sis in lwa totally refused to budge saying it is board exam and no way she can make this happen. so i ended up holed up in the flat in mumabi and not go anywhere. at his beck and call. go to the market to get food and evening walk with him that is it. or doing errands for the tax filing on the sale of the housewhich is nerve wracking and tedious. you alsmost wish you did not buy the house

my son is grown up and has finished his garfduation. he is planning to intern for one year but does not live with us as he is far from us. we have to travel 6 hours to get to seehim
i put up with all this forhis sake. i did not want to upset anythign for him,
but my hubby is getting worse. soemoe i feel he does not recovgnize that ih ave deeling and if i put a fight, he say s that is the limit he can go. too bad for me .. all the time
as far as he is concerned i need not know anything, since he know s everything in this world sand does thing meticlulously all i nee dto do is to follow orders.
and not qustion him.
t'erhe is no way i can cut acroos his wacky brains to let him know he is ome with the proble, he refuses all assistance and blames me for eveythign, i an the ranting raving lunactic. \
i n situations like this i feel i am so conered that i get agitated uncontrallty to be free of thshi man's clutches and beleive me i must have commited grave sin to be a prisoner in my own home
there is no way out , no matter what, ui cannot even broach the subjet.
you will all ask what hapapents. firstly he will shout a nd shut me up saying discusio not waratned. it is too risky and he has said eveyting to say.
otehr wiase he will say , ok but put shackels of all kinds and that will force me to sty a put either way i lose
i amange to come to work.b ut at his insisnten i had to talk to the managers and have them keep me for only fw hours
i dont thing anyone can comperehend the graveness of the situation
i finally manged to tell m y family--- my brothers and sisters. my sister ramly told me, i have put with allt his crap for such a long i shoud stick it out. a woman has no place alone in india or anywhere when once she is married . seh cannot bruden the family.
my brother is evading, he causally told me if it happens that it is worse i can always go back tohim. i feel he thinks i am just saying this, and things willw ork out , but does not want to face the truth, but he did say i can come and sty with him anythime
now i am thinking if i go there , i need to find me self a job. to be independant. fight ing here with lawyers will only postpone my stay and make it worse. i am totaly confused
his family is there, one of sis inlwa says she is afraid to come and speak as it is our matter
my mil is no more adn seh cannot even communicate with this guy. it was always very formal\
i feefl i am losing my mind. i just dont have the courage to say anythign if iopen my mothe i jsut say thinsgall that was bother ing me , he will immediately sound it off like i am halucinatin, and imaginging things.
he will put his case so w3ell that no one wnats to beleoive anytihg is wrong
becasue he has one rule for them and others and the single rule for me aloine.
i am sorry to bother you guys. but hopefully i needd divine intervention to be free from here

deepaakrishnan · Jul 6, 2012

dear suemans,

since you have taken so much crap, how bout giving it back for a change?

if you like something and want to buy it, tell you husband, you dont like it and its horrible, he will end up buying it coz you dont like it

if any discussion about your money comes up, tell him what he tells you, that the money you bring is not important and should go to the bank. always use his words against him, he knows everything isnt it, then why bother to give any advice? dont interfere in anything, let him handle it, if he asks you, use the words he uses against you and say you dont know anything and that he is the best person to handle things.

may i ask you what your son thinks about his father's behaviour?

as far as going back to india or staying with your brother is concerned, i would say, forget it. you already know your not welcome.

instead stay here and give back in the same coin and enjoy the moment for some time. trust me give him a dose of his own medicine and he will be alright. learn to put things very well just the way he puts it, after all you owe that much to him, after all the training you have had listening to him for all these years. dont put up a fight.

In fact, he asks you, he wants your opinion, and then tells you, you know nothing and picks up a fight to show how smart he is. so next time, he asks you, praise him to the sky and tell him he knows best. let him have a fall or two and get back to his senses.

do everything he did to you but very very nicely with all the sweet talking, check the phone bills and ask him whom he has called up,dont allow him to eat out, if he buys clothes dont allow to buy more that 1 shirt, even when you cook the specific meals he eats, cut down on the no of dishes, and when he asks you tell him - "we cant afford to waste money and now that you are not earning, definitely not"

try to establish yourself now. since you are the main earner and so you will call the shots.

Foundlove · Jul 6, 2012

Dear OP,
Your son has graduated and is in Medical School. So is there any reason that you are still taking this $!@# from him?
I agree with others. Its time for you to start growing up and letting him know that you are not going to take it anymore. What will he do? Will he hit you? Has he done that before?
You need to develop a spine ASAP.