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hubby issues -- a total control freak

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by suemans, Feb 18, 2012.

  1. suemans

    suemans Junior IL'ite

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    hello ladies

    i am kind of new to this forum. I was waiting to vent my problem soemwhere
    it is been years and i only now realized i am being an indiot. i also feel i am lfighting a losing battle with this guy

    I got married and came to USA jumped into a family of 5 . My hubby was the fourth in line. he always used to get annoyed when there is a crowd. or if someoone is invited outiside the 5 of them. nO FIL but MIL was there

    all of them would keep saying this guy is unique but not harmful. he is just a pearsonality . i am biggest fool. but i bought that line andkept hoping for him to change. it is like chasing a rainbow.
    my hubby has specialll affinity towards his brohter's family and the brohter since he was instrumental in getting all of them here in those days

    anyways we ended up buying a house close to the brother since this guy would have to travel a lot in those days.
    when the brother had a aparty or guests come, this guy (no DH only H ) wioould find some excuse and take me away

    it went for sometime and i kept hoping he would change. i wanted to wrk, he listend to his Sister and mIL and bragged how much moey he is miaking and his wife does not need to work
    all week menu would be planned by and hima nd it has to doen that way. even the furniture is his choice. if say something he will purpsoely kill it
    sayinghundreds of excuses

    so in our house no one comes, he says he does not nedd any friends ( his presonality so bad, he ends up fighting or arguing with anyone ) so i figuered he is not likely ti have any friends at all

    he keeps sying he bought house for investiment , not to make it a museam.
    so everything has to be plain , we can only few clothes. he does not like too much clothes
    only eat certain meals. because he does not like to go out and eat, as their utensils are bad and non veg. and it is costly, it is cheaper to eat at home
    if anyone invites us, he will first say we cannot go, due to may reasons.
    it is too far, the weather is bad, too much traffic and we cannot afford gigts wihch he does not belive in giivbing or taking
    if someon forces me , then i have to go but he will not let me spend any more money than 20 buckson gifts.
    of late it is becomig wrose , he says no gifts at all they are all adults and no need fo r anything , eveyrone can buy their own

    i put up with all this garbage and realized till one friend came over and told me that he is control freatk
    funny thing is ,= the same situation with his neice or anyone else , he will fight for them and their rights.
    i lost my paretns immeditaly after my marriage, ( his quote well people die al the time. we cannot jump from here and run , it is not posisble and we have to pay price staying in america

    if we gp to india, it is his choice , we have to stay in his place and do cooking and all my siblings adn realtive have to come and see me. i cannot go and see them to theirhouse. again the roads are bad, trains are crowded any excuseand they all buy this becasue he is a sweetalker,
    they feel he is so practical and intellgent . and put up with this
    altely i wento india and he chcecked my abgage in an dout as i cannot take anything for them since everyting is aviable in india
    and they can afford it
    also i ahve to wear the shirt and pant and sweater that he picks , becasue he doesn ot want to take any risk at the airprt.
    this si not normal
    when he went to india he took one suit case and went in alimo, but when i go i have to take thettrain and so i hve to carry onely one suitcase and can bororo w my sister or sil innlaw clothes to wear there
    my nice sarees are all sititng here but i odont get any chance to wear them
    when i insist , ( he yellls tha ti am jinxing our trip by fighting with him and i hagve to follow hs orders other wise he cancel the trip.

    i am at a loss what to do and walked out almost 3 times only to be stopped for my sons's sake ,
    please give som suggestion or any agency i can approach to get help
    he ckes my phone billl and qustions who the numbers belong to

    i am tired of writing also tihe stoy goes on and on

    i kick my self for being a fool. i dont have parents to fall back upon so iw as uputting with this , but now i feel i just dont have the enery and feel i have been cheated abig time

    do get back to me sorry to bother all of you


    suem
     
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  2. sriram85

    sriram85 New IL'ite

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    hi suem,

    Here is the advice... get a job ! It isnt really a time for lame excuses that he wouldn't let you...right? So get started on that thing...There are opportunities everywhere...Get smart and apply..while applying like make sure you clear the history of your computer (you dont want your hubby to spy on what you do !) .

    Once you get a job and think you can support your children, I am sure you can take the right decision.

    Without Job, everything seems impossible.. right from how you are going to feed urself n ur children and even your confidence.... Once you get the job, persuade your hubby that you want to apply for job and go to work.... if he doesnt agree... take a decision !!!
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    so how did you choose to post in forums like this?? sorry to ask but just want to be on safe side....doesnt he check your internet or computer activitiy? remember that he can go to browsing history or cookies and check what sites you visited...so even if we post any suggestions am scared he would be already informed about your future plans ...so pls be careful.


    Yes getting a job helps a lot..but if a man treats his wife like a child and doesnt let her make decisions I wonder how will he let you go to work. it would be another war if you have to go to work. have you ever tried to insist and put down your foot and say this is what I want and I will do exactly that because I dont think you are right and as a adult I know a thing or two..did you ever say this to him?? if yes what was his reaction...pls post that so that it would help to understand whehter you tried anything beffore and how did that work out. am guessing all decisions related to parenting and what has tobe bought/done related to the kid is also his decision is that so?? what if the kid insists he/she wants something what does your husband do?
     
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Completely second that. When all is said and done.. .....financial independence is the key!
    He can control you because he knows u have no choice...!
     
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  5. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    Suemans,

    That was quite something. Am sorry you have to put up with all that. How long have you guys been married?
    Am sorry to know about your parents too. But how is your relationship with your MIL and his brothers and family?

    Have you ever expressed these feeling to them? Its high time someone intervenes. They may think he is special, but he is a grown man and he should know better. And they too should know better than to expect you to put up with this.

    I agree with Sriram85 about you getting a job. Look for one first, anything to help you gain some financial freedom. But how is your husband with you and your son otherwise? Does he treat you right?
     
  6. tanoshii

    tanoshii Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with SV. Will he let you go for a job?

    Have you ever tried talking to your MIL or co-sisters about convincing him to let you go for a job?? If he does listen to them, this may make a difference too. Talk to them saying its for your own good and for your child's. Even if they can't help any other way, this would be a good first step.
     
  7. sriram85

    sriram85 New IL'ite

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    @above all,

    That guy wont for sure let her even apply for a job (as far i understand the story!) So here is what she can do..

    -Start Applying for jobs.
    -Get a job or Confidence to get a job.
    -Dont get caught in the act.
    -Then start dealing with hubby's problem.

    ONLY THEN she might have some confidence to deal with him and take care of herself and the kids financially in case of a dire situation. (Hopefully this guy understands her wife !)
     
  8. bukbuk

    bukbuk Silver IL'ite

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    I think his siblings understood him very well. Unique personality but harmless. Most of your problems seem to be becoz he's not giving you financial freedom. As everyone suggested, get a job. You haven't explained why you not working. Did he object? Are you not qualified enough?

    Your husband may not be a great guy but that shouldn't stop you from having a good marriage. Few things I noted: you don't like him liking his brother's family, do you? He's grateful for his brother for all the favors. Understand that and respect that relation. You must show your h that you can love his bro's family too. Don't keep seeking sympathy from your h often for your parents death. If you tell him every night after a fight that you had your parents been alive, you'd go back to them, he's obviously going to say what you quoted above. Too much of self pity doesn't help anyone. You have a son. You do have a few nice things but are focussing only on the negative.people have worse lives. Some have abusive husband. Some have no children. Some have abusive mils, you just have a miser husband, which is a lot better than others. It doesn't matter if you were a fool or not before, but if you don't change your attitude now, you are surely being one now.
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Apparently these are minor problems because you are too docile and obedient.
    1Develop a spine , get a job or improve your job prospects .
    2 Stop being a doormat.
    3 Choose your clothes , ask him the budget when out shopping, the more you listen and obey the more he will suppress you.
    4 In India you can travel to meet your family, take some small gifts like candy, perfumes to distribute. Its not necessary to travel as a couple all the time. Say you are going for x number of days to your family with kids. If he wishes he can come along or sit at home.
    5 Marriage does not mean becoming a clone.
    6 Appreciate what you have got and change your attitude, he will start respecting you.
    7 Dont resent his family , try to have cordial relations with them.
    Please read this in the right spirit, we cannot change others but can change ourselves.
     
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  10. blessbabydust

    blessbabydust IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi kudos to the sue.... few advice to you:-
    1. As everyone says go financially strong get a job to support urself .
    2. As you are a mom please think about second option i have seen injustice of childhood because of parents divorce case .
    3. Patience is the medicine for you .. he is not abusive or other stuff .. he is too money calculative may be because of his nature .but once you earn you got to spend what you want so .
    4. Please follow this and chant everyday before you sleep but think about your husband :-
    iam sorry,please forgive me, i love you , thank you .... dont create negative thoughts for your husband this will create a big crack and definetly affects your sons childhood ....
     

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