How's your relationship with your Mother-in-Law?

Dear Rohini

How true you are...I can replace you and your mil with me and my mil here completely..I've also felt the same way many times with my mil.

 

Unpleasant relationship is true in many cases!

Hi Rohini / Sunita,

Relationship with MIL is unpleasant in many ladies case. May be our girls when they grow up will see more pleasant & understanding MILs like Chitvish. I only would like to say Chitvish's favorite statement..."this too shall pass", so don't worry and try to tolerate and come out of it.

I have had my MIL behave so indifferently at times just because I am her daughter-(in-law)! It's always made me think 'would she do it to her daughter?'. I have been through this indifferent behavior when I was pregnant too. She will try to force all left over foods on me, keep commenting on the quantity I eat, try to adjust & give some food available rather than making something needed for a pregnant woman.

But sometimes she will become extra caring and say you should have this and that during pregnancy, that will make me wonder, what's happening???

It's always a puzzling relationship and can never be concluded whether good or bad!

Sheeba

 

Hi Guys,
An interesting thread. I had a love marriage and when I went into their family I told my husband that it didn't matter to me how they treated me as I have no expectations. I was more worried of how they will accept their son who married out of his choice. I live in the US. So it was almost 2 years before I could spend more than 2 weeks with them. I needn't have worried about my husband. He was very much accepted by his parents and I was so happy and relieved. During my first visit I was so awed by my MIL who was so accepting of me. Ofcourse she irritated me a lot. But I thought she is from a previous generation with very conservative views so I just let them pass. The very first thing she told me when my parents left me in their house was "This is now your house. Even if you have to go to your house you can go only if your parents invite you !". What the ..... ! I was like "who are you to say that." within myself, but smiled and said ok. That is how it has been all these years. I like burn inside when she says certain things. Never show it out. She is very cunning and will always appear to be very pleasant and understanding outside. But slowly I recognized that, and now I too have learnt to play her game.

But my husband is the main culprit here. He will become so nervous and edgy when we are in his house. He will not speak to me in front of his parents, will keep misunderstanding everything I say as insulting his family etc. I have never complained to him about his mother. He drives me wild. I feel my MIL is better than my hubby. Atleast some women here have understanding hubbies who wither support them or keep off.

My advice to women facing this problem would be ignore your MILs when they irritate you. If they are pleasant you reciprocate it. If they try to irritate you just ignore them. That will take the power off them. The fact that they cannot provoke you whatever they do will shoot them down. Fighting back will only make the problem worse. Comment to your husband if you have to in a matter of fact way so that he knows what is going on and you are displeased. I think most husbands become very defensive when we complain about their parents. MILs use it to their advantage. The best defense that we have is to ignore their bad behavior so that they don't have any arms to fight with in the first place. I can understand how frustrating it will be to be like that. Because when I do the same when in India I feel like I always have a very high BP and my nerves are about to explode. For women living with their MILs, I just salute you.

I also salute you Mrs. Chitvish. You are very understanding. My MIL herself used to say that she suffered from her MIL who inturn suffered in the hands of her MIL. She said that in her native place every woman when she becomes a MIL makes it a point to avenge for her suffering my being a very 'strong' MIL! Since they suffered, it wouldn't be fair if their DILs didn't suffer or they couldn't vent out their frustrations onto someone else. Ithu eppadi irukku! I wouldn't say that my MIL is that bad, but what she does is more psycological and very cunning. Have to be on my tip toes to watch our for traps.

 

Hello Dils!

Every body is talking about mother in laws but I want to tell about a daughter in law. I have seen ladies are discussing about mils during gatherings. Pls listen what does a friend of mine telling about her mil.

She (mil) is taking care of her too much. She is always ordering to eat; giving milk and egg to make her fat (she is already fat!). She gets new cloths and flowers for the dils whenever there are functions like marriages! She is giving too much food for her grand children and helping them to take bath. And there are many more advantages to say…

After all, this Dil breathes long…………. Ho it’s suffocating. She is listening every thing…what to do…..

Hey, ladies, this is human nature! Let your Mils keep a distance from you, I not only suggest this in mil’s case but with every body, it will keep your relations strong!

Hope no dils are coming to kill me…. (A secret, experience makes WOMEN perfect!)

 

Hai everyone,

A very interesting discussion indeed. And as always, Chitivish had guided us future mother inlaws on how to be a good one. Indian mothers are lways afraid that their sons will change after marriage. In love marriage, it is more there. Once the family accepts the marriage, the son is too grateful and so tries to please the family by being aloof to his wife and more caring to the family. It is very difficult to change such people. Only we should tolerate them. Atleast we should learn from them how not to be a bad mil. For that we should develop a somewhat detached relationship with our sons, don't be too attached to them even when they become adults. Remember that they have to right to live their life. And realise that once a son gets married, his wife is also an important part of his life and accept her as you would accept your son in law. That way, we can live peacefully with our dils.
With warm wishes,
varloo

 

Nor reasonable or logical

Hi amritha,

My relation with my MIL and her behavior as follows:

When I can not reach my husband on the cell in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1:country-region><st1lace>India</st1lace></st1:country-region> I ring his house only when I can not reach him. In every sense (I try to avoid ringing his house, for one reason because of the abuse and abruptness I receive from a lady who is also a women my mother – In – law.

In my experience (over two years) my mother – in- law picks the phone and I polity ask if my husband is there. She polity answers, next I tell her who I am she abruptly tells me ‘ I TOLD YOU HE IS NOT HERE’ or slams the phone and takes the wires out so I cant reach him.

 

:wave hi dear,

dont worry this happens in every house it is only the way how u shape up the realtionship with them so try being good with them may b they will understand u.

luv,
charu

 

My MIL

Next to GOD comes my parents before marriage. But right from the day of my marriage my Mother-In-Law came on the same pane of my parents. If she is not that much loving and understanding and took things in the right sense, today I would not have married to my husband of 9 years. It all started by the brother of my father. He created some havoc, and tried to rub the wrong side of my inlaws family right the day before the marriage. My MIL was there took care of the situation and informed my parents that they are trying to create havoc.(The relationship bet my father and his brother is absolutely strained and me and my brother have never felt him a close relative of us).

Such a lovely women she is she taught me everything of the family tradition and about everyone's interest and likes and dislikes(his sons and daughter and her other DILs and Son-in-Law). She was my mother after marriage. I saw my mother there in her. She took immense care, she will tie my hair, we both share we read as both are avid readers and the things keep going.

But you know what I miss my MIL a lot bec she is no longer alive. She passed away when I was carrying my daughter 5 months.

Of course we too have arguments and she too had shouted at me for my wrong doings, but the words my husband told me, IF YOU DO SOMETHING WHICH YOUR MOTHER DOESNOT APPROVE AND IF SHE SHOUTS AT YOU WILL YOU NOT TAKE IT IN THE RIGHT SENSE? SO NOW SHE IS YOUR MOTHER AND NOT YOUR MIL SO TAKE HER WORDS ALSO IN THE SAME SENSE.

Till her death she was a dear friend and I REALLY MISS HER A LOT.

But I am simply worried about my relationship with FIL. I will talk about it later as I want to linger in my MIL's memories now.

 

Re: my dear friends

Please! The only reason why men are able to sit back and enjoy such scenes is not because "woman is against woman" but because the man is not living in his wife's house with HER parents and brothers and sisters!!!!

Otherwise it would be the FIL and SIL serials on TV instead of Saas-Bahu Ekta Kapoor dramas.

The bottom line is that the joint family system is not good for a young, married couple. They need space to grow in love and sex. That is why MILs are so frustrated, they never got any good love or sex from their husbands and now they are jealous of DIL.

If each couple was busy loving each other, everyone would be sexually satisfied and there would be no fights.

If you want to live close then live next door, not in the same house as your husband's family, that is death for love and sex.

 

the motive of woman entring into a family is to make the bond at inlaws place more stronger and not break it.initila love with husband is ure fun and exitement but the inlaws give it an control at their place either by giving us more pain or by disturbing the bond of our relation with husband.we shud try to make the bond so strong tht whtever may come ,it is absolutely woman folk who have to keep the bond stronger while securing our love...............please dont hit me...this is true...