1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

How's your relationship with your Mother-in-Law?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by amritha, Aug 13, 2005.

  1. lakshmisuresh12

    lakshmisuresh12 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Hi,

    May be i'm late in replying to this topic......
    I'l tell u all one thing, a mother in law cannot be a mother and a daughter in law cannot be a good friend .....How much ever ur good to them, they will not understand u, how much ever they are good to u, u will not understand them......
    I'l tell u what happened with me......
    My mother in law was very good iin the begining...We used to play together, go out for walking, watch T.V together......My hubby used to allways shout at us that we both are one and no one supports him.......
    But, i don't know what happened to her suddenly,...she started querells b/w me and my hubby.......
    If she finds my hubby just talking to me even for more than 1/2 hour, she'l start shouting at him for some or the other reason.......
    Slowly, she started complaning about me to my hubby........one day, this little querells became big and i just stepped out of the house....I stayed with my parents for a week and then my hubby convinced me and i went back......
    From then, i just treat her talks like a dog's bark and care a damn.....
    My hubby loves me a lot, but he is not trying to understand what his mother is upto........
    She doesn't want me to serve my hubby, she doesn't want to see him with me.....I really don't know what's in her mind.....
    She has a daughter, whom i don't want to call as my sister in law, she is soooo very jealous of me.......My God.....I really wonder y these people act so crazy...I don't understand what they get out of this......
    I keep my cool and control my temper whenever they act stupid, but most of the time i lose my patience.....
    Can someone please please plase help me?
    Regards.
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2005
  2. lakshmisuresh12

    lakshmisuresh12 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    :cry: I'm so sad, no one replied me with the solution.......
     
  3. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,610
    Likes Received:
    82
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Female
    if only I knew!!!!

    [​IMG] Dear Lakshmi

    I think nobody gave a solution to your problem since most of us are also wondering how we can help ourselves with the same problem...

    Don't worry,one good thing is that most of us are sailing in the same boat...that is one consolation.[​IMG]
     
  4. Jaya

    Jaya New IL'ite

    Messages:
    95
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    8
    dear lakshmi,

    even i face similar problem but for me it is not my mil but my father in law. ever since i've got married, i have been harassed by him. i am not allowed to see my parents, not phone them, when they visit home, they are abused. i can tell u after marriage I've not lived even for one day at my parent's house. He always abuses my father. No matter however I try to adjust still I feel i'm living in a hell hole. Even in the house, I don't have any freedom, I have to wear saris compulsorily, I'm not even allowed to cook, he decides what I should wear. As a couple, my husband and I are never able to take any independent decisions. We can never go on any vacations, as wherever we go, even my in laws accompany us. No privacy at all.

    As I'm working, luckily, i am able to phone from my work place and meet my parents somewhere at the market or temple. my husband being the only son, my f-i-l is extremely possessive of him. I am not able to communicate with him properly because he always feels that i'm instigating my husband against them. Though my relation with my husband is good, he is still not able to take any harsh decisions like taking a new home, because he is close with his mother and she is no doubt a good lady. I've had respite for 2 years as I am in US for my husband's project work is here. Now that I will return to India next year, I will face same problems.

    It's not that I don't respect my in-laws. they are as important to me as my parents. But I think when we get married, both the sides should adjust, not only the daughter-in-law. They expect her to know everything and to adjust and compromise everything. But ultimately it leads to frustration. I really don't know what to do. I am facing a really tough time and hope some day it will end.

    Jaya
     
  5. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    33,566
    Likes Received:
    3,756
    Trophy Points:
    490
    Gender:
    Female
    I was a DIL, now am a MIL !

    Dear friends,
    Well, I am a MIL now & let me analyse this relationship from both angles!

    When I was a young bride, I found that my MIL was very old fashioned to the extent that we both were never even allowed to talk to eachother in her presence or go out together – it was mandatory that somebody should accompany us! It used to upset me, no doubt, but I just accepted it because that was the “custom in their house”!. After we shifted out on our own, on my FIL’s insistence ( he was scared that if I continued in a joint family, I will never become responsible, learn cooking & manage within my husband’s salary etc), slowly things started changing. My MIL noticed that I was running the house much better than what she expected of me & her feelings towards me started softening. But all her life, whatever she said (which annoyed or upset me ) I controlled myself very much, without back answering her because her son literally “adored”her & I respected his feelings too much to disturb him & I did’nt want him to tell me “you too?”. I stuck to the theory that it needs two hands to make a noise. Anyway, you will be surprised when I say that, in her death bed she repeatedly mentioned that I should forget all the unpleasantness she gave me & blessed me repeatedly & whole heartedly.

    When my son got married, I had decided that I will never expect my DIL to think of me as her mother etc(I think it is nonsense to expect that from a DIL) since nobody can take the place of biological parents. I was very careful from the beginning & made sure that I will approach even my son only through her for any important decisions so that she will never feel left out. In fact I respect her a lot& I know that as a MIL, I will have some limitations. But strangely she has understood how careful I am & so she is very nice, sweet & friendly with me. But still I never take this relationship for granted & always put my best foot forward for this relationship to be smooth. I have decided that I will compromise from my side to any extent, beause they have a long way to go in life & I want them to have only good memories of me, after me. I feel it needs a lot of compromise to make a relationship work & we should never take anything or anybody for granted.

    May be, you all feel I am a misfit in your young age group! I just thought aloud when I read all your postings.
    Regards,
    Chithra.
     
    4 people like this.
  6. Nishalini

    Nishalini New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    No end

    We can not deny the fact that all the MILs were DILs Once. May be, Tit for tat. I am sure, all the DILs of present DILs (future MILs) are going to post similar messages, here in the same forum after 20 or 25 years. Debate will be continuing for ever. Not only sky is endless.

    - Nisha
     
  7. lakshmisuresh12

    lakshmisuresh12 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    63
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Hi,

    Mrs. Chithra, thankyou so much for your advice and for sharing your own experience with us,........I understand what is going wrong between us (me and my mil), I have tried always to keep her happy, but all the time failed to do so........Now, i just keep quite for whatever she does......First, I used to cry in front of her, but now I know she is taking advantage of that, hence, i'm not getting weak in front of her also.....Now, she doesn't comment on whatever I do....If she does also, I'm just ignoring it, not taking it to the heart....This way, I know I'm not keeping her happy, but atleast I can keep my husband happy......Atleast we are in peace now......She will also know me one day and treat me good.....
    I think this is the only way out of all these problem, just stay cool..........
    Just stay cool, come what may.........
    That is the only solution.......
    Regards
     
  8. MIL-DIL Relationship

    Hi,

    Glad to know Mrs. Chitra is out of the ordinary MILs. If everyone were to be like you, then the world will be an ideal place for any relationship to survive. I am sure your DIL is lucky.

    I am also having my own problems with my MIL. I feel that she is too much involved in her son's life even after his marriage. My husband is an obedient child even now. He doesn't want his mom hurt any time even if it concerns me. She on the other hand, wants to take decisions for him which is fine with my husband. And since I am a part of their family now, she wants to make decisions for me too. This really annoys me as my opinions are crushed. I have always been a person who decides what I really want. But now, I would have to change for her sake. She even feels that my mother doesn't have much rights on me. In other words, she is possesive about her son which is understandable but also her DIL when it comes to her own mother.

    Is it not unfair on the MILs part to treat the DILs in this way? A relationship would last longer only if there has been a mutual understanding between both the parties. If MILs do not give their DILs to voice their opinion and thrust things out of their own experience, do you think DILS will take it? Not the DILs of the modern era.

    MILs can never be compared to the mothers of DILs. If a daughter shouts at her mother or vice-versa, it is easy for them to patch up. This will never happen between a DIL and MIL who are from different backgrouds. I feel that it is the responsibility of a MIL to make her DIL feel welcomed in her new house. She should take the first step in nurturing this relationship. It this happens, the DIL will automatically understand what her responsibilities and duties are towards her new family.

    Others, please let me know your thoughts!

    Regards
     
  9. gayathriraghu

    gayathriraghu New IL'ite

    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    MIL DIL relationship

    I find Meena Prakash more outspoken and practical. It is always better to remain silent than to argue and worsen the situation. My case is also very similar to hers. If I spoke back on any occassion, that used to be the highlight of discussion among family members and people who are living in our street. This is being done by my MIL almost everyday and as my husband always used to advice me , people at that age must understand on their own and correct themselves. We are no authority to do that. If they don't, let them enjoy the fruits of it. One more thing which my husband usually says is that, it is he who has to understand and be supportive. Atleast we will see to it that we should not be like that to our future DILs... [​IMG] God has given a wonderful life and we have to start enjoying every minute of it to the fullest.
     
  10. rohini

    rohini New IL'ite

    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    It's a strange relationship!

    Hi Ladies,

    I have been watching this discussion thread since long from the time it started. Relationship with M-i-L (for that matter both with M-i-l & S-i-l) is definitely a strange one, hard to manage! However careful you be, at some point or the other there is something to complaint (for M-i-l about a D-i-l and obviously vice versa too becomes true!).

    I will tell you something that happens between me & my M-i-l. No doubt, she is an experienced cook for the years together she has been doing. But she needs some help in using today's kitchen equipments like Microwave, Rice cooker, Grinder / Mixie, Non-stick vessels, etc. She herself will ask how to use it and when given the instructions all of a sudden she will snub saying 'as though I don't know this don't keep telling'. Secondly she will ask for a particular recipe as "how you will make?" Once I narrate my method of cooking, she will give back this is not how "we" make (the we here is herself, her sisters, daughters, etc.). It will make me feel as though I'm all alone and my method is absurd. The next time she asks for some other recipe I try to stay away from unnecessary arguments and will tell her "I do it in the common way, nothing special". Still you think she will leave me?? Never, she will repeatedly ask.

    Many times I thought why get into such conversations & arguments? So I backed off cutting down my interactions to very minimal. Still no escape! They ('they' here refers to both my M-i-l and my husband too) make you feel worse saying 'you don't talk freely, never get involved in the relationship, very sensitive, etc.'

    It is hard to digest, but that's how life has become these days!

    Regards,
    Rohini
     

Share This Page