How would you like your sil to be ..?

Hi nskssp,
I have SIL on both sides..
Firstly,my brother's wife..
If it makes you feel better,I too have faced similar situation like you and my brother and I are very close and have both suffered a lot.But I enjoy a very good relation with her.She is very sweet and non interfering.They have a kid now who is very close to me.I really liked the way flowerlady has put her point-you have new boundaries now..
When my brother got married,I loved and cared for my SIL a lot.I think this made her relaxed and she too became quite open and friendly(she shed her apprehensions if she had any).. On my side,I have never ever interfered in their lives and decisions.She has left her family for my brother so,I think she deserves his full attention and love.So I slowly gave way to her.Even I was looking forward to have a sil cum friend so,I see it as a very good addition to our family.I dont offer unwanted advice,I dont suffocate them with my care and love,I have never ever gone for a movie with them because I think they need privacy as they are staying with my mom.And I spend on them whenever I go there so,I dont become a burden for them.Yes we go out for dinner and I keep sending small gifts for her.I pamper her when she comes to my place-send her with my bro for sightseeing and shopping and make her feel special.She does the same for me when I visit them so,its a win win situation and I am sure my DH and my brother both feel happy with our relation.Whenever there is any problem between her and my mom and if I feel SIL is right,I take her side.
So,in all these years,she has seen that my intentions are clear and I dont mean to snatch my brother from her or any limelight from her..This has made her really very caring and respectful towars me although we are of same age and I am younger tham my brother..I am too very happy as she is taking good care of my mom and bro..Anyways now I am married and I have my DH in life.I consider his family as my own now..So,no issues..

Now,my DH,s sister---
Sorry to say but she has really created problems in our lives.If there is any issue of contention between my DH and me,its her!!
My DH is younger than her.She has 2 kids and has lost her husband.
Before our marriage,I used to call her and she was very sweet.I too felt happy and I felt like she should stay with us and DH was very happy about it.Now,the real picture was reveled after our marriage.Since she doesnt have her husband,she wants all the attention from us.There is no problem about this too.You know,she tries to create misunderstandings between DH and me,my CO sis and me and MIL and me..She is very demanding,extravagant and manipulative.
Initially,when I was new to the family,she tried to be very sweet but I used to feel so uneasy with her personal questions about me and DH-like what contraceptives we are using,when was the first time he made love to me etc..And she really suffocated me with her lip service love(i.e. not actually doing anything for us but just showing love) Anyone would get duped with her lovely talks.
Then all truths started coming out-the way she used to tell things about me to MIL and co sis and also to my DH.And she actually tries to discuss all personal things with DH too.This makes me feel very sick and bad.
I understand that DH is her younger bro and she doesnt have husband too but this doesnt mean she talks all this to him all this. Her late night calls to DH,discussion from leaking tap to her kids' studies and from her stomach ache to her depression really piss me off.
My DH and I are both working so anyways we dont get much time together so it definitely irritates me to hell.She makes it sure that DH lives in perpetual pain and guilt for her-she makes him realise always that she is suffering and we arent doing much about her
She has to talk to DH twice everyday and know every detail about us-where are we going,what are we buying, etc etc..Whenever she visits us,I take good care of her as I do for my brother's wife but she is thankless.Till date,she has never gifted us with anything.She never calls me,its me who has to call her.Whenever she is with us,she watches TV till 12 in our room without any concern that we have to go to office next day.Plus,she has to watch movie with us and she tries to be a part of every plan of our outings.
This undue interference and overshow of care is very bugging.
We are taking care of her and her kids but apart from the financial strain,her other habits are very irritating.

nskssp,
I wrote this long message to tell you that I have both kinds of SILs in my life.Whereas my brother's wife brings a smile on my face,DH's sister brings only sadness and frown..
One must respect others' freedom.A girl gets married to a boy and then totally leaves her family for him.So,its the boys' family who has to give her love,care and respect.This will help her bond well with them.
I wish my DH's sister could appreciate my concern for her and that whatever we are doing for her is just because we want her and her kids to be happy.I wish she could understand that by bringing tears and fights between my DH and me,she is not gaining anything.And I wish she could ever appreciate that she has a good friend in her brother's wife.
I really like messages of payasa and flowerlady..
Thanx for reading this long thread..
nskssp,I hope it helps you in some way..Just give her some time and she will definitely understand and reciprocate.Dont stop showering your love on her..
No girl wants to snatch her husband from his relatives..But pleas give her due respect and personal space with DH..

 

Dear nskssp,

I am really very lucky to get beautiful hearted SIL as you are. My husband and she has been really very very close to each other for so many years. But truly, I started appreciating her from my heart only when my husband and my MIL stopped comparing me with her all the time! I remember that once I used to avoid my SIL (nanad) despite understanding and knowing that she is good at heart and does not have any intention to hurt me directly. Am not sure if this is your situation today. If it is so, you need to wait for time till she gains a stable relationship with your brother and MIL, maybe. At later stage, she would be able to welcome you for the healthy family bonding. However, this is just the assumption. The best thing, maybe, try to do whatever you can for the relationship (when you do something for her, it should be her need and not your 'personal need' ) and do not expect anything in return.

It is strange, that we always take our father as a pillar to our life and he does always welcome us in our maternal home with the welcoming and accepting manner. When the father is no more, we want to see our elder brother fulfilling that void and unfortunately, for that, we start thinking about pleasing the new members to get our that right. However, if this is somewhat your situation, dear, it is the truth that you cant expect that kind of role replacement from your elder brother at this stage, maybe. LET OTHERS GET READY FOR THE POSITIVE CHANGE. DO FOCUS ON CARING YOURSELF.

Wish you all the best for all your efforts, dear friend

Best wishes,
Anuradha

 

Give some time to your sil .. first few years in marriage , husband and wife as it is will have many problems , in this time wife may not able to able to give 100% focus on in-laws / sil / bil.. unleass wife is strongly bonded to husband its difficult manage other relationships ..instead of giving them time if everyone starts interfering things might go wrong between them.. there is no competition here , a sister already knows brother its wife who is struggling to know..

I and my husband dint know much about each other I was really having a difficult time .. in this case my in-laws/sil's constant complaint towards me only ruined things between us. I lost confidence in everyone ..I felt eveyone were judging me ..

But I got strong , learn to give attention to everyone and started accepting and loving them , now my sil says that I look cute when I smile so I have to be happy always and that makes her happy

 

I agree with monita ma'am naanads are typically cast as villains who try to poison the DH against the wife. Since you are very understanding be yourself, give time to SIL. IF she is of the same wave lenght things will work out. All the best

 

hahahahah...come on......not everyone does that and just one more thought is..sometimes women just talk....talk n talk...thas alll...and when they talk some of them tend to act as if they are the only ones on this earth who are enduring the pressure n worries of marital life and inlaws and responsibilities.....and the MAIN PERSON here is the brother/husband...if he just keeps quiet and doesnt elt it affect him orhis wife, things would go ok...but on the contrary there are men, who fight with their wives, and who point fingers saying this is because of you , you n you....

So who is to be blamed here...the woman??? whose habit is talking!!! or the man...who cant even see how he is letting external stuff which he has no control over...affect him n his married life???he just would want a person who can carry that burden/blame...and he chooses his wife to do that burden carrying thing..(for no fault of hers

 

Your question was what women want in sils, and ladies here wrote their experiences to let u know wht things of their sils bothers them and also provided suggestions based on your post. If you will ask in general then u will get general suggestions only regardless of they are relevant or irrelevant to you. You only wrote the prob wht I quoted above in bold but haven't mentioned what she is doing to make u feel tht way. You don't want to mention specific details or incidents here because you fear of being judged is ok from ur side. But I guess u should write some wht she is doing when u say she is making u feel outsider. For eg: Is she not even saying u hi, ignoring u, not calling u, not inviting u in her functions, telling or doing something tht hurts u, not letting ur brother speak to u etc. If u tell then only here we can figure out whts in her mind and how u need to deal with those situations. Else in general everyone can only suggest u that keep out of her life, don't interfere, etc. That u say u r already doing, then u r not wrong at ur place. Now u need to let know wht she is doing with u that is hurting u and making u feel outsider. Thats y I asked u to mention specific incidents. btw, and sorry if something I told hurt u anyway. Everything will b fine. All the best.

 

hi all,
i m on both sides i hv two SIL one married n other unmarried n myself have a brother unmarried.

as i m married i completely understand what my expectations are from my sil so will surely follow them when my brother gets married.
my elder SIL is elder to my husband also n she treats both of us like kids in 30s. she wants to know every thing what we r doing what we r planning.even the daily rourine also. when do u go to office when come back what happened in office etc etc...n allwaz keep on advising on each n every small thing. i do respect her as she is elder to us but this does not means that we r nuts n we dont know how to deal with the things.to me i believe that advise shud alwaz be given when asked for...n she just tends to keep showing her seniority unneccessarily..
secondly these bro n sis has been brought up in this way that all the responsibilities are to be born by the brother only inspite of this fact that one of the SIL is a docter n the other gov employee n having a gud income thyexpect their bro to get things for them.the second one is just soooooooooo miser that she will wait for her brother to come on visit n then she will asl him to get her things she need...wont even call anytime will just give a miss call n if he is busy will again n again give missed call but wudnt call even once in a yr...
never spends even a penny out of her income in the house ..everything shud be safe in her saving account n the expenses hv to be born by father or brother..
the married one also is noway less living in IL house formore than 2.5 yrs..coz of sm issues but she lives there n allwaz keep on saying that i m here for my parents else i wud hv gone to my IL.allwaz try to dominate n interfere...

i do agree with this fact that the relationship of bro n sis is on one hand and wife n husband on the other.one shud respect both of themn SIL shud themselves know n understand their limits n behave accordingly so there wud be no issues.
atleast i will follow this coz i love my brother n want to love my bhabhi too..rest lets see..

 

Well my DH has a younger sister, who is elder to me by few months...I feel pissed when my sil expects me to talk to her frequently...I have no problem with her talking with my DH as frequently as they wish,but with me a definite NO ! I was not like this before marriage nor was I insecure about my DH being close to his sister..But my SIL has this phobia of chit chatting and updating every silly stuff to her mom(my mil) about me, which would backfire on me via my mil in an indirect way..so i just started hating her and the hatred just kept continuing...I just started cutting all sorts of friendly talks with her...just the occasional hi/bye and calling during festivals....I think its more to do with the mil/sil combination that puts the DIL in a back foot...nothing to do with being close with DH..thats my take atleast !

 

My dh's sis is several years younger to him. Not married yet, she knows all the ways to spoil a happy family. From day one she has been criticizing me - particularly on my dressing sense. I developed a dislike for her bcoz of this. Further she would tell her mother not to tell anything about the family or relatives to me. I would never have realized she was doing this if she had not stopped her mom in front of me! She basically never liked me...so I keep minimal contact with her. She has poisoned my in laws against me and my relations with them are bad. A lot of damage she has done and I will never forgive her.