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How would you like your sil to be ..?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by nskssp, Dec 16, 2011.

  1. nskssp

    nskssp New IL'ite

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    Background - Having lost our father at a very young age, me and my brother (elder by a year) are very close as we've held hands through thick and thin together. I got married almost 6 years back and went out of country, supported my brother and now crossed the life tests. Both of us are doing well in life. It still brings tears to my eyes when I think of the storm we stood thru together. My brother got married after this and its almost 4 years now. We came back to India once for all this year. I love my brother a lot and now my sil also as she makes him happy and slowly but steadily I have started seeing them as one entity (please note that this is nothing against her, but it has been hard as sometimes I have been in situations were I've been made to feel like I no longer should get his attention. I ignore it as passing phases and see nothing into it).

    Why does she make me feel as an outsider? I want to try and reach to her, i love her too and care for her too.. so confused and upset dat she sometimes obviously tries to cut me off when it pleases her.

    I dont offer advice, I dont interfere in anything at all! I have in no way got in between her and her husband at any point. Never ever have I discussed any of this with my brother or my mother in anyway.

    She is younger than me and they are yet to have a baby. I tell myself she is very possessive of my brother as she has her own insecurities and my brother is her only pillar till she crosses this stage.

    Im young too and sometimes it hurts very badly when someone tries to cutoff me from my brother's life. I've been with him for 24 long years and probably some of the worst in our lifetimes. Am happy for him today and would like to see him do better and stay beside him, but as a sister. I acknowledge the fact that he is married and his own family is his priority now and do not in anyway want to compete with that setup.

    Question - To those whose husband's have a sister, what would you love to see in your brother's sister? What would make you see that she is not your competition and think of her as your own sister too? Why do you act like husband is 100% yours and should not think much of his family? Im also a married into a family and dont understand what changes when there is a sister in the family.

    Please note am not trying to find fault with her here, so please dont say that. Im looking for your opinions on what would help me and my sil cross bridges and get closer. It would kill me mentally, to stay in such measured distance from my brother. We are financially independent also, so no money issues also.

    I know only time and my persistent reach out to her will solve this, but it is really hard emotionally.

    PS:
    If your husband has a sister too, please do not think of her as competition. You are a wife and she is a sister, the roles cannot be changed and everyone clearly knows who stands where even if they dont admit it in front of you. Imagine your daughter and son in the latter years and see if you can relate to your husband and his sister being close. Just my two cents, ignore if you dont like it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2011
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  2. Anoo1234

    Anoo1234 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi nskssp,

    hmm , the only suggestion I can give you is forget the fact that you want to get closer to her. The more you try to be closer , the more she will feel in secure. So just be in touch with your brother and hi- hello with her when needed .you have to start living your life now .I know it will take time but this is the only solution. sil comes from another family and I also made a mistake of trying to get closer but they can not . This is life. These are relations.

    I recently gathered myself from same type of situation........believe me.
     
  3. rissy

    rissy Silver IL'ite

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    I don't know. My ex didn't had sister so don't know what it with SILs. I wish he had one. The fellow and his cranky brother didn't even know how to talk with girls. My PILs were very bad that I can't explain how much bad they did with me, I wish if they had daughter atleast probably they might have understood the feelings of girls. But if I would marry again, I would prefer a man with sister, younger one, I mean from newer generation so atleast I hope they understand me. I am seeing many posts about sils here, but I don't know what to write them as I never had to face such problem. And in real life also I heard many ladies complainting about MIL but from no one heard about sils. So don't know. But in old movies I see role of evil sils, but I can't imagine if this new generation girls under 30 can do it. If any competition exist btw sils then I guess mainly its power struggle or insecurity as they are probably of same age. Like sister feel left out and thinks her brother taken away and now the domain which she ruled whole life, in that the new girl is ruling etc and she try to create problem for sil and sil in turn reciprocate back by trying to cutoff sil from her own brother's life. While in other case many women might be coming with pre-concieved notions about sils and mils and so from starting she keeps distance from sil, that could be your case too since as u said u are already not interfering, no money issues, being nice to her but still she acts like that. Or maybe she is just like that or her nature is like that or she might be jealous or insecure of u for some reason. Who knows?

    Here I can't advice you what ladies want from sils but I can advice you based on your story or experience, so you have to tell me in bit detail. What exactly she is doing with you and whats your brother's role in it. Whats happening exactly. Tell some incidents or details and I may tell u how u can deal with it.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2011
  4. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Some women inherently feel insecure when they walk into a marriage where the brother and sister are very close. They feel threatened and feel that shutting off the 'sister' from their lives will somehow get them closer to the husband. I feel esp sorry that you have to go through this since u have also lost ur parents and ur brother is the only support system.
    Yes it would have been wonderful if she had reciprocated but she didn't and unfortunately there is nothing much you can do to change ur SIL..she will continue to resent the close relationship u and ur brother share. All I can suggest..be warm and cordial to ur SIL but don't expect much from her. Continue to nurture the relationship with ur brother but be careful about what u talk to him..try not to say anything negative about ur SIL/interfere in their decisions. Be a friend/shoulder to cry on/sounding board for ur brother as u have been.The rest is in ur brothers court .Hopefully he wont let her dictate how he needs to be towards you.Good luck!

    And yes to ur question..how would I want my SIL to be ? DH doesn't have a sister..but if he did ..I would very much have wished she were like you.
     
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  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Adding more to what JAG said.....I have been on both sides (have a brother and also have husbands sisters)....one thing I can say is....Everyone is an adult here...they are what they are...you cannot change them. if you push/insist your love n attention on them, things will go more unmanagable....

    Love/affection has to be reciprocated....when you see there is no reciprocation dont expect but just do what you can and move on!! be content that you can do what you can and rest is upto them. point here is to be there for them when they WANT you and NEED you....period.

    Sad part is....its not just the new wife who is insecure, sometimes over involvement of husbands sisters also makes matters worse...it is liike if they are elder to you, they keep suggesting n involving n interfering or calling n checking up almost every day...it just gets annoying...as if when will they cut their cord??? being a sibling is a diff. thing and trying to linger around all the time is a diff thing.

    We are in 2020..and I see most of the sisters and newly wed girls...they are not really that insecure...most of them know what they want from their life n marriage....however they also expect some space n privacy and not overdose love/anger on them...I sure would be scared if someone is all lovey dovey to me...reason is...when this turns worse I would be hurt more and cant digest and will go to bed everynight crying (another headache to husband isnt it??) and on the other side...inlaws and husbands siblings think , we are not letting them mingle or taking their son/brother away....no..thats not hte case....I am brought up in a diff. way and I need time to trust n gel with people and give me that time. I dont like too much of anything and Haste makes waste...

    Take it slow....and eventually you will get there. (whatever it may be I appreciate if you do not tell your brother /parent about this ..finally you do not want to create rifts b/w your brother and SIL right??)
     
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  6. payasa

    payasa Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey nskssp,
    I have a sil who is a year older than my husband. She is very sweet and nice to me, she is my wellwisher, gives good advise, shares jokes, and talks, etc. I respect her, and not at all jealous of her. My hubby and his sis have always been very close, they love and respect each other for different things, and also know about each other's shortcomings. They have also undergone some tough time when they were young (but different circumstances than yours).

    After sil's marriage, my hubby started treating her as a part of another family, yet they were close and shared a lot of things with each other. DH always went to his sis for getting opinion and advise, but after our marriage not so much. He tells me everything, but only certain things to his sis. It is not because their bond is weak now. DH himself feels that certain things (like our future plans, financial plans, etc) are better if they are just between husband and wife. He now doesn't discuss these things with SIL, and doesn't ask her for opinions or advise for most of the things. If SIL wants to talk about her and her husband's plans (women like to talk), or relatives stories, or such things, DH stops her and jokingly tells her to go to her husband, or changes the topic. The talk is more casual.

    According to my husband, brother and sister - although are of same blood, will belong to different families after marriage. I can never understand this because I don't have brother.

    The only time when I don't like my SIL is when she talks to DH about her tensions and worries (not serious problems in life, just the petty things - like problems with her colleagues or MIL). I feel that DH and I have enough worries for ourselves, and don't want to listen to her's as well. We will be there for her in difficult times, but she should handle the routine up's and down's herself and should go to her husband for most of the things.

    My SIL exceeds my expectations, only thing which I want her to do is talk less about the petty problems. I don't mind if she shares these things with me, but don't like her to vent it out to DH.

    Hope you can sort things out with your bro and SIL :)
     
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  7. Anoo1234

    Anoo1234 Bronze IL'ite

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    wow all have written in a nice way their opinion , am I too blunt and bold in my fb............
     
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear nskssp,
    Please grow up, your brother is a married adult and should not be treated like a baby brother. Most siblings share a lot of life while growing up but one has to move on.
    Both of you are now married and have to stop looking back.
    He has a new life like you do and has less to share with you. Even you are living with your DH , obviously you will be closer to your DH like your bro is with his wife.
    If you wish to have cordial relationship with your brother it will be wise to stop seeing your SIL as an interloper or an outsider in your family.
    Please stop looking back and excluding her from your talks about your hard childhood. Its over and done, enjoy the new phase instead of talking about olden times.
    Make your SIL your friend , she can become your strongest ally , respect the new boundaries.
     
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  9. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear nskssp,
    From what you have posted, I don't see anything that you are doing wrong. The reason for your SIL's behaviour could be that she is avoiding prospective problems from your side or may be she is having problems with your mother and see you as her ally.

    There is a stereotype in the society about SILs( nanad), which is established and corroborated by stories, TV, movies etc. Some women when they get married have this preconceived notion that all SILs are trouble makers and they try to avoid them as much as possible. My MIL taught my SIL before she got married not to share anything with her SIL, keep everything under lock and key,not to trust the SIL etc. May be your SIL also had some such training.

    Another reason could be that she is having problems with your mother and consider you as your mother's ally. Does your mother live with them? May be your mother talks too much about you, praises you too much and that is making her annoyed.

    If you want to improve your relationship with your SIL, some of my suggestions would be side with your SIL in an argument, especially when it is between your mother and her and may be you can invite your mother to live with you for sometime, so that your brother and SIL can live like a couple for sometime. Your SIL might appreciate that.

    Could you please also tell us, what exactly do you expect from your brother and SIL, so that you can get more suggestion.
     
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  10. kiranavvari

    kiranavvari Gold IL'ite

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    I will quote only my story. No offence meant to anyone.

    My DH has two sisters, both are younger to him. I don't have any problem with the first one. Absolutely nothing, she is neither too good friend to me, nor someone about whom I should be worried so much. Just a casual relationship to say hi/hello as she is my DH's sister.

    But the youngest one, I don't really understand what is her problem. When I entered the house, I tried to be very very cordial with everyone. But she is like comments on everything that I do. The way I sit, the way I dress up etc etc. All these things might look silly and simple things for them. They might think that I should consider them as joke. But what I feel is if they comment once or twice, I can take it as joke, but if they do on everything, I can no more consider it as joke. I used to call her weekly once, and sometimes in between the week, when DH talks, I used to talk. She never used to call us, it was we who used to call her regularly. And, I really didn't see any problem from my perspective till 10 months of my marriage. One day when we (me and DH both )called my MIL, then she told us that my SIL cried a lot saying her brother forgot her, and changed a lot only after marriage. The before day was SIL's marriage anniversary it seems, and my DH forgot to wish her. As a new member in the family, I didn't know about it, and nobody anytime told me of it. My DH told he forgot. I felt very bad after hearing this, why should she say that he got changed totally after marriage only, when we are calling her regularly, and we had bought everything that she asked. If she expects us to call her daily, then I would definitely say no, as we too have our own constraints both with respect to time and finance as well. Once I enter into the family, my needs also would be considers, which means there is a cut in something else. After all, money and time remain constant, but only demand got changed.

    Everything can't be same when a change (change here is a member of family got married to a new person) occurred in the family.


    My brother is going to get married soon, so I can't talk on what kind of treatment I am going to get from my brother's wife, but I definitely don't have any expectations. I strongly believe in Respect/Love given is taken. If I am not getting any respect, that means I would have hurt the other person in some other way; not necessarily it is done willingly.
     

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