How To Tell My Mother In Law That I'm The Boss?

smartwife · Oct 4, 2017

My mil visited our place about 9 days ago. So far she has invited her daughter (my sil) to our home 4 times. And never once did she even let me know that she has invited them, let alone ask me if she can. And then, once my sister in law comes home, she invites her to sleep over night and she just doesn't inform me at all!!! It just irritates me over the end. I'm always clueless until my sil arrives at my doorstep.

Now, my sister in law is decent and maintains her boundaries when she's at my home. I generally like her, but I hate the fact that my mil takes her own decisions in my home and doesn't even bother to inform me.

My husband also agrees that she is trying to gain power over us, but he is hesitant to confront them because they have come to our home after almost a year and he is afraid to hurt them.

So far, I tried to show her my anger indirectly. I didn't bother to make any special arrangements for her or anything. I carried on with my work as usual. I didn't offer my bedroom to let her sleep (I usually do that because she has a 5 year old daughter. I let her sleep with her kid on the bed and I used to sleep on the floor whenever she was here. But this time, I didn't bother. I too have a 7 month old and he needs to be comfortable.)

Our home is a small 2 bedroom apartment and it usually can't accommodate too many people. I would have gladly invited her at least once because it is cool to spend time with the whole family. But I hate that my mil takes her own decisions here.

How to show them who's the boss here??

P.S. Direct confrontation wont be the ideal solution here because she makes a huge cry over it. It gets messy.

YoGirl · Oct 4, 2017

Op,
Is ur sil visit messing up your regualr schedule in any way? Like cooking for all, taking off from work, etc?
Even i would feel awful when there are guests at home without informing me. But, you can cut some slack here as ur mil visited after long time and she invited ur sil(and not some distant relative), and most importantly ..ur sil stays in her boundaries. What else do you want? Wouldnt you like if ur mom invited u to ur bro's house often to spend time with you and with bro? May be ur sil stays with inlaws n has some discomfort there.. or may be ur mil can some spend time with sil at ur place peacefully without having to worry abt daily chores. I dont know ur full story,so sorry if i assumed some things.
I think u r in a sensitive place and anything u try do like show anger on ur mil now will backfire and eventually hurt relationship with mil,sil and then H. If ur mil is overdoing it, then you should put ur foot down and stop this nonsense.

smartwife · Oct 4, 2017

YoGirl said: ↑

Op,
Is ur sil visit messing up your regualr schedule in any way? Like cooking for all, taking off from work, etc?
Even i would feel awful when there are guests at home without informing me. But, you can cut some slack here as ur mil visited after long time and she invited ur sil(and not some distant relative), and most importantly ..ur sil stays in her boundaries. What else do you want? Wouldnt you like if ur mom invited u to ur bro's house often to spend time with you and with bro? May be ur sil stays with inlaws n has some discomfort there.. or may be ur mil can some spend time with sil at ur place peacefully without having to worry abt daily chores. I dont know ur full story,so sorry if i assumed some things.
I think u r in a sensitive place and anything u try do like show anger on ur mil now will backfire and eventually hurt relationship with mil,sil and then H. If ur mil is overdoing it, then you should put ur foot down and stop this nonsense.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your advice @YoGirl. My sil doesn't mess up my regular schedule or anything. She is fine. Her family life is smooth as far as I know. I'm ok with everything. But I wish my mother in law has the sense to let me know that she has invited them for lunch/dinner. That's the only thing that bothers me

DDream · Oct 4, 2017

OP, take it easy. Confronting ,arguing , showing anger indirectly will not help you. Next time when you open the door for SIL, wish her as usual with a smile and tell her directly that ..' sorry I dint know that you are coming here' (or similar). Then carry on with your usual stuff. If your MIL didn't inform you, dont make any special dishes, share what you have and adjust with what you have. In between tell infront of MIL '... I wish I know that you are coming.. if so I could have made ... and .... . Use sweet words /tactics as much as you can, but don't do anything if you are not informed. You need to create an impression of your helplessness. Just treat her as an unexpected guest. It is not her fault that MIL dint inform you.

If they are not giving you additional job or mess up your life, let them enjoy their time. May be they like to spend some time together. If you like, be part of it. Be happy and cheerful. If not carry on with your usual schedule.

happydheivanai · Oct 5, 2017

smartwife said: ↑

My mil visited our place about 9 days ago. So far she has invited her daughter (my sil) to our home 4 times. And never once did she even let me know that she has invited them, let alone ask me if she can. And then, once my sister in law comes home, she invites her to sleep over night and she just doesn't inform me at all!!! It just irritates me over the end. I'm always clueless until my sil arrives at my doorstep.

Now, my sister in law is decent and maintains her boundaries when she's at my home. I generally like her, but I hate the fact that my mil takes her own decisions in my home and doesn't even bother to inform me.

My husband also agrees that she is trying to gain power over us, but he is hesitant to confront them because they have come to our home after almost a year and he is afraid to hurt them.

So far, I tried to show her my anger indirectly. I didn't bother to make any special arrangements for her or anything. I carried on with my work as usual. I didn't offer my bedroom to let her sleep (I usually do that because she has a 5 year old daughter. I let her sleep with her kid on the bed and I used to sleep on the floor whenever she was here. But this time, I didn't bother. I too have a 7 month old and he needs to be comfortable.)

Our home is a small 2 bedroom apartment and it usually can't accommodate too many people. I would have gladly invited her at least once because it is cool to spend time with the whole family. But I hate that my mil takes her own decisions here.

How to show them who's the boss here??

P.S. Direct confrontation wont be the ideal solution here because she makes a huge cry over it. It gets messy.
Click to expand...

I don’t think it’s a big deal.sometimes elders do this just adjust ...ur sil is good rite so adjust and go...if u argue for ur mil activity ur sil relationship will spoil..ur daily work is not getting spoiled.u don’t want to work more then what ...

Just enjoy ur time with sil ....family bonding is important.

Sunburst · Oct 5, 2017

Your house , your rules ! A boss is always a boss . She doesn't need to tell anyone that . If it's a one off thing ignore it . If it's an ongoing issue , you better put the employees in their place . If something is bothering you and I am sure all these unexpected visit will interfere with your kid's schedule too then you need to speak up for yourself . Don't expect your hubby to do that . You don't have to fight or be rude to your MIL but at least have an open conversation . I just don't get it why women hesitate to speak up? If you fear the repucurssions without even expressing your feelings , how will you ever solve your problems ? Maybe your MIL is not even aware that her inviting your sil is bothering you so much . Good fences make good neighbors so please set your boundaries and clearly express your feelings . Work on a strategy yourself on how to keep people at bay . It's not that hard .

ashneys · Oct 5, 2017

Is your mil just visiting for a while - then you can probably ignore as it won't last.

or is she gona stay with you guys forever - then you need to do something.

I share the same feeling as DDream , don't do anything extra or change anything and just continue with your day to day stuff. But if you are informed, make something nice for her. Show the clear difference. your Sil seems sensible, she will understand.

iamsrihere · Oct 5, 2017

I think you should take this as an indirect blessing to you..Only if your MIL informs you,you have the responsibility of preparing something nice for her ..In this case even if you dont do anything no one including your husband can actually blame you..So just stay calm and carry on with your routine as others have said..

2 most important points from your posts:Your MIL doesn't stay with you and your SIL is a decent individual.. So dont blow up things unnecessarily..

Rosey2018 · Apr 18, 2018

Have your family come and do the same thing and inform her that they’re here. I wonder how she’d feel...

Sangeeta85 · Apr 18, 2018

I feel it’s ok for ur sil come n visit since her mom is there but ur mil has to inform u too..what u did was right not giving her your room..but don’t be a reason for a daughter not meet mom ..u said ur sil is good keep that relation ..
just tell your mil if sil is coming let me know so u can cook or bring something too or else she might think u are not happy by her visit..just give it here and there..
if this is the only issue she is bossing so just leave it .