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How To Tackle This

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Stressfull, Mar 7, 2018.

  1. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    Dear ilites,
    Pls bear with me as this is going to be a long post.

    So we r living in a foriegn land. Inlaws and parents in India. We r married for 13 years. Initial lots of struggles in my married life. But for past 4 years we r at peace. It took us nearly 7 years to form a great bonding between us. Intially i suffered alot due to husband job nature. He was very short tempered.

    Adding inlaws struggles i used to stay with them for first four years of my married life while my hus used tobbe in foreign land beacause of his job. Later i moved in with him as we got family pass. My inlaws use to abuse me especially my fil. But now im at peace as my hus took a stand for me.

    Now we r living peacefully though my inlaws visit us regularly for every six months. My parents came once. From that time my mil has changed a lot and i can sense that she was unsecure or if it is plain jealousy on me. I dont know.

    Last time when they came here she started a big fight talking all bad things about my parents and me that we have changed there son and something. After sometime i gave it back as i coudnt withstand to hear bad things about my parents. She was shocked later we both became calm. She had long face for nearly 1 week. I didnt bother much but doing my duties as dil just formal conversation. Later they went back to India.

    Now coming to main problem my parents went to my inlaws house last week as there was some function in city where my inlaws live. During casual conversation my fil told to my father itseems that he was coming to my house again in a monthtime as he was missing his grandkids. For that my father told why you are coming and going everytime as you a had a chance you can stay there for more time. Its just a casual conversation as my pils dosent stah here at my house for more than 2months. Its like 2 months in India and 2 months at our home.

    Today i just casually called my mil. She started crying and bashing me what rights and guts do your father have to talk to us like this. She again picking silly fights and warning me that it wont be good if ever my fathet talk to them like this. Its their sons house and sons money so they can enjoy in which ever way they want. Yes it is right. It will not be an issue for me if she stopped at this as she may be genuinely heart.

    But no she is talking like my father wantedly came to their house and making this issue. She is saying we rgood pils thats why your parents came to ur house and stayed shamelessly in daughters house. You all got horns as my son is treating you like queen thats why you all behaving ilke this. Better you be in limits otherwise you willface severecosequences. Immediately cut of the call. Knowingly or unknowingly my father made this statement. Im feeling sry about that but how to tackle this. Im unable to control my tears again all past issues their behaviour everything is coming into my mind.
     
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Platinum IL'ite

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    One cannot forget the old behaviour of ILS no matter how much they change at later stage. They don't take their dil as their daughter. She just remain some relation in law. They will never change and if they are so insecure and jealous means you are in strong position. Your h took a stand for you and also you are living separate. Just tell your parents not to visit them until its unavoidable and necessary. You also don't react on this. If you will not react then only they will become more insecure and will try to improve on their behaviour. Any of your reaction will make them react in more worse manner. Just discuss everything with your h as clearly as you can so that if they ever try to create misunderstanding in his mind he should be aware of the real story.
     
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  3. Vandhuamma

    Vandhuamma Silver IL'ite

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    Dear You dont have to feel bad about what your father said. It was his opinion period. And for staying in daughters house / sons house you never treated them otherwise right, then why they should an issue.
    I wish I have a magic wand to change this attitude of the society. When boys parents are live with sons why not girls parents?????
     
  4. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It's just her insecurity speaking . Parents have right to stay in son or daughter house . Does your mil not consider her husband's house as her own ?

    In earlier times , a son lived in his father's house and hence the sons parents have a choice to entertain the DILs parents for long periods or not since the guys parents would bear the burden of expenses . But now when couples are staying separately , then the couple can invite whichever set of parents they want when they want .
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2018
  5. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    In theory it works fine, but there are cases when a girls family staying becomes an issue because of a past grudge.

    For instance, lets say when boys parents live, some issues arise and DIL makes it known that she cannot live like that

    Then if few years later, DIL's parents live with the daughter for a few months, it becomes an issue to boys parents, because of the initial stage when DIL did not stay with PIL's
     
  6. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Horns ? No she needs glasses. It’s a tiara that her son has given his queen.
    I say let her calm down. With a threat like that I wouldn’t call her. Give her the silent treatment. You have nothing to say sorry about . So wipe those tears and enjoy with your king.
    Next time though make sure that your parents don’t stay with your IL’s , ever.
     
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  7. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Calm down and dont react to it. Completely ignore if she say anything again. Give her some time to calm down too. Usual silly drama nothing else .
    I dont think your father has any bad intention to say that your FIL can stay with you guys. If they have a problem, it is their issue. You dont have to take its responsibility . Also, its your home, so you can decide who can stay with you. Your parents also are missing their grand kids. If she say bad about your parents, tell her directly that you dont like it or completely ignore it or change topic or walk away-choose what works for you. You can tell her if she has any problem with your parents she can talk to your father and you dont want to hear it.

    So wipe of your tears, be happy and spent time with your own family & forget about MIL for a while.
     
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  8. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    May i know on which assumptions you came to this conclusions. So i too have many past grudges with pils so should it be an issue for me or should forget and move on. Pls answer my query.

    And fyi i stayed nearly 4 yrs of initial marriage yrs with them without my hus living with us as he was in foriegn land because of his job. Read the post fully and pls dont generalise.
     
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  9. Stressfull

    Stressfull Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you dear iltes for your soothing and comfortable words.

    I dont know why but my pils never want see me happy. As known to me we never lacked them anything. We bought a house for them and gave luxury furniture nobody will believe its my hus hard earned money as my fil never worked really and its a really long story.

    But i never complained. My sils each and every demand was met with our money. Still they are not satisfied. What can a son do more than that.

    Each month there are creating some or the other issue how much can i tolerate. They want my parents bend before them which is not happening and i will never allow it to happen every time she will make indirect comments why cant you bring money from your parents.

    I think thats her main issue my parents are still gifting me what tey can afford for festivals but i cannot demad them. When my fathef retired he gave some amount and he said this is what i can give we r giving this for our happiness. Still she is not satisfied.

    Wish i had some magic wand to disappear from this planet. Its very stressfull to deal with family politics everytime. Sry for major rant.
     
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  10. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Why your mil exoecting money from your dad ???It's nothing but dowry . Your father does not need to give anything for festivals .If your in-laws demand any money from your father ask them what they have given to their son. If your husband can live normally without expecting anything from parents and instead giving them house etc then why the wife can't do the same with her parents ? You need not give a house to your parents but atleast you need not take any gifts for festivals . That's the least right ?

    Why different rule for man and woman ? Why man always give to parents and sisters freely but woman only take from parents not give anything not even a few days to her parents as guest to visit her house. Your SIL is another selfish person .. doesn't she know her parents financial condition that they themselves are dependent on son, then why she is demanding from parents ? Your SIL setting wrong example of how women should demand money from parents . You both have done enough for your husband's FOO , you have every right to do that much for your parents to invite as guest to your home . Be strong and proud, don't feel guilty believe in yourself .
     
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