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How To Tackle This Situation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shubhrata, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Some people are so negative, that they chose to see only the negative points in each situations.

    Would you feel happy if your MIL chose to stay in her native, so that you will have to leave your kids in some day care (not sure how safe and how perfect the day care centers in your area, but definitely it is different from your MIL's love and affection for the kids)
    Besides, leaving kids at day care means more work in the AM. Including packing their cloths, foods etc
    Having no other support at home means, again more work. Because you are suppose to do everything, including cooking and cleaning.
    And after work hrs can be terrible, because there would be no one to look after the kids who have also just returned from the day care.
    You would be wondering what to do, whether to resume the household chores, or spend time with kids who are also longing for parental love/care.
    Down the line, your kid can become sick. Your day care can provide only basic service, and not necessarily that loving touch to the suffering child.
    Your mind would be elsewhere at work, wondering what is happening with your kid.

    On the other hand, your H will feel miserable for missing his mom - Here, he and his mom loves to be together, and willing to be together. But they are separated because of you. So, it will have an impact in your relationship.

    As a working woman, you will have to handle all these issues on a daily basis.

    If so, would you still bother about "having privacy" with your family?

    Besides, having privacy can be an easy thing if you could plan and execute certain things carefully.
    You can utilize your weekends for a beach visit, or a park visit.
    You can go for family movie
    You can go for some long trip - even a trip to a colleagues wedding in a diff city (means, staying in a hotel, spending 2 full days for the even as a family) would be a great private event.
    you can go to swimming pool as family
    You can also enjoy the time when your PILs go outside.

    It is all in the head
     
  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

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    Op I understand ur feelings, but this is not really such a big problem as u think..just u need to chill n take it easy..
    I agree with replies given by @SGBV and @yellowmango.
    U r blessed to get a good MIL who leaves behind her aged husband to look after ur two kids n support u in job..
    U have two choices, either quit ur job and be a housewife and look after the kids in your own, in which case your MIL can stay in her native as her help is not needed and u can have total privacy..else, come to terms with your situation and adjust with MIL so u can move ahead in career and pay the EMIs..after all financial independence is important..
    Not all MILs are ready to do extra work like looking after kids or managing household when DIL is working..
    She looks after the kids responsibly, and you are able to work peacefully in office, without worrying about them..
    Doesn't look like she ill treats you, just that her presence irritates you.
    She is not there with u during weekend which is bonus point in ur favour, u can enjoy total freedom that time..eat, sleep and watch TV and go wherever u want with ur hubby.
    Anyways on weekdays both will be busy with work no..
    Work hard on weekdays, party harder on weekends and holidays..
    As people become older, they feel lonelier and feel the need to talk to someone..that's the reason she keeps talking about something or the other when u try to watch TV..
    Maybe u can spend a little time actually listening before excusing ur self?
    All old people like to talk about their family stories and their generation stuff, nothing unique about your MIL.
    And u can catch up with all ur TV shows and movies online also..
    U can watch on laptop with earphones, pretending u have office work..that's a convenient and polite way if u need to watch TV show in private..
    Whats the big deal about making a couple of phone calls when she goes out of town?
    Do call her and tell her how much the kids miss her..u need the help till ur kids grow up..regarding cutting vegetables n all, u can distract her with some thing that she likes, lie her TV programme or playing Bhajans or some book so she can be busy..u can just tell her. "Don't worry mummyji I carry out your instructions everytime, pls don't worry about kitchen, u can watch ur TV prog".,
    She wants to know why u take head bath ? Simple. U need to keep your scalp clean to avoid dandruff..if she has an overactive imagination, that's her prob.:)

    U want to go abroad just to escape from MIL?really
    If the kids go to daycare, they may fall sick often..and with a nanny u won't be sure how the kids will be treated..
    U know expensive daycare is? India and abroad?
    U know how expensive it is to hire a nanny? Here and abroad..that too with expenses of two kids ..it will cut into a big chunk of your earnings.
    Maybe u will be unable to work there and then resent sitting at home..
    Grass is greener on the other side.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
    sindmani likes this.
  3. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Lets see.
    *Two young kids
    *U work full time and have no intentions of quitting since it affords u a lifestyle u have gotten used to.
    *Ur parents aren't in a position to help you with child care.
    *U want to save money by using ur PIL to take care of two young kids during work week.
    *MIL is staying with u away from her own house and heads home during the weekend to give u some space.
    *Ur biggest complaint is she is knows too much about ur life?
    What u want is a full time housekeeper + nanny who will do her job and keep her mouth shut.
    U cannot expect a parent or PIL to fill in that role. Those positions don't come cheap. They also come with a lot of risk esp in India. What u have OP is luxury. A MIL who is stepping in to play the role of a housekeeper so u can pay ur EMI. Yes it comes with a price as with anything else in life. I would say grow up. Dont resent her for a choice u made.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
    Srama, sindmani, Amica and 8 others like this.
  4. happydheivanai

    happydheivanai Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,


    If u ask me I would say she is supporting u like anything.duing ur off she understand and leave u and go for your privacy...if some one is tak8ng care of ur children’s like this u should b thankful for them right...I can understand ur privacy is little bit affected but if u leave ur kids in play school or with made the stress and insecurity will b more than this .what is the wrong in informing her when u r late at least she will not wait for you know at this old age.dont think I’m supporting ur in laws blindly but now a days in laws was not supportive at all.they except us to do all the work and after that also they will blame us and they will not b happy for anything v do.

    Just try to fix up ur mother problem and if u want to take rest go there and stay for 1 or 2 days or plan for some small trip ..or convince ur husband and tell office work and put leave and roam together these are the alternative ways to enjoy ur self..u can buy one more tv and can keep in ur bedroom .

    This is the best way to resolve the situation that what I feel
     
  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Not even the Queen is able to escape this! :lol:
     
  6. Naari

    Naari Platinum IL'ite

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    sindmani likes this.
  7. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    True.
     
  8. Anjana124

    Anjana124 Senior IL'ite

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    We, women, in general, are married to the whole husband's family! That is how it goes. The interdependencies can never be ruled out. It is just with time and our efforts that things will settle down.

    Most of us feel bad when things don't happen our way. But most of the times we seem to expect how things should be done.. rather than analyse and see how this can be handled.

    As you say mils try to have an upper hand in all the matters, as they feel it is their family and things must go their way.

    Prepare a wishlist and see how each task in the list can be done.

    Please understand that a calm and quieter mind works better.

    List down atleast one positive quality that your mil did to you each day. See if this helps
     
  9. Rakshini

    Rakshini Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,as everybody said please understand that as a mother our kids are important than our own privacy.
    Your kids are in safe hands,she s taking care both kids alone.you can come late if you have meeting etc bcos she s there to take care (of course she might call and disturb).so many don't have that privilege
    I can understand about privacy part,but think if she s with you whole life (atleast she has house in hometown and goes there for weekend). many are adjusting with in-laws mainly for kids sake.
    We cannot have everything (full-time job,well behaved mother in law who take care of our kids and our privacy).we women have to adjust to some extent bcos your the one who is benefited.
    Just think if she doesn't come to help you with your kids,then day care s the only option,so try to understand the reality.
    We are not judging you,just trying to express our opinions.
    I would suggest you some ideas to make yourself busy.if you are interested u can go to gym,parlour,take kids to play in park,read books to kids,enrol any class if you like
    Meditation is very good option.if you are reading a base may not disturb you,that way u can enjoy your privacy
    Be happy,forget and forgive her just bcos she takes care of your kids
    Good luck
     
  10. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    hei. sorry for such remark. it is just hilarious when i compared your situation and mine. :roflmao:

    my mil does not talk at all. BUT will do not do any house work, no cooking, no cleaning. Won't even bother to tell the kids to eat or drink milk after they come from school. Only
    time she will do anything is when they are sick. OTherwise we have a extra room for her , my kids call it the MADRAS TEA SHOP . why because SUN TV runs all day in full volume.

    We can share contact numbers and plan an MIL exchange program
     

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