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How To Tackle This Situation

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shubhrata, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. shubhrata

    shubhrata Senior IL'ite

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    I am mother of 2 kids, working full time. My Mil is from different city but with us to take care of kids . My fil also here. Although my mil is from different city (she has a own house there) and my DH is in this current city due to his job. she is with us right day 1 from our marriage . My friends also used to tease me 'is you mil a free gift to your marriage that come life long with you.' When newly wed,I had a lot of dreams to stay alone with my DH , to spend more time with him but when we had chances to be alone, he will start missing his mom and would call her to come and stay with us. :BangHead:. That was my past story
    Coming to the present,She knows each and everything(or rather wants to know )that is happening in our life . I am not complaining, she takes good care of my kids : feeding , bringing them from school , making them to sleep when I am in office. But the issue is I feel I lack my privacy , its like I feel like to be all alone with 2 kids and DH.

    She keeps on talking talking , talking old stories that happened in her life, about here great great grandfather , grandmother, some XYZ whom I dont ever know them, boasting (I did this, I did that , I am great BLAH BLAH) She spends the whole day just by watching tv serials and I will not interfere when she is watching, but when I get some free time to watch tv ,she will start talking about something at the same time and keep continously chit chatting not allowing me to watch . I would be like ' better not watch tv' and will leave the place saying I am work inside. She keeps poking her nose on everything. When I cook she gives instructions as though I am new to cooking for ex : chop the onions nicely (which I do it regularly) , make the rotis thin , wash the vegetables well :BangHead: . I really dont know what she thinks , she simply wants to show her upper hand . When I take hair bath in the morning she will ask me as soon as I enter kitchen. why did you take head bath , I really feel like killing her at that moment.
    She expects me to follow what and all she does which I hate to the core. She keeps watching me indirectly what I do.
    In my own house I am not having any privacy . I love to watch tv or movies on phone lying on sofa in the hall . But cant as most of the times she will be on it ( not most of the time ....all the time) night only she goes to her room to sleep.

    My mil will leave to the home town in weekends as I will be in off. so whenever I get holidays she will leave and return when I have office. And those days I will be like cloud nine. Having my own world with my family. But that time also she expects me to call her and talk about our happenings when she is not here with us. If I call her in the evening, she will ask me ' ennama you didnt call me since morning, were you that much busy' . and then she starts, how she boarded her bus, who was sitting next to her, what she had at night and when she reached, what she did after that , who came to her home, what did she cook and when she slept....uff..and now my turn she asks me what did I cook, what did you pack for DH , kids, what did FIL where we went , what did we shop and so many things... this irritates to me core . I dont know how to tackle this situation. Even when the kids are not well and she also knows about it , that time also she expects me to call and say about their health. She will not call me in curiosity how her grand children are doing.Sometimes wantedly I will not call her and then later in evening she will call and ask how are they , why you didnt call and inform me.
    When we go out for shopping or some other places and if it gets late , when I return home she will not talk to me and later she will ask you didnt call and inform that we are late.
    She has the habit of asking my elder son what happened in the house (when we have any fight between me and H) while bathing him when she was not in town. :facepalm:
    I cannot say any harsh words upfront and I feel it may hurt her and she may stop talking to us and not come here to take care of my kids.

    I cannot leave my children at my parents place currently as my in laws and H not in talking terms for past 3 years. that is another big story.

    Kindly advise what should I do. I am just keeping quiet and digesting all this just for the sake of kids as she is taking a very good care of them. I cannot leave my job as we need to pay EMIS's . I wish DH or me get an onsite opportunity this year so that we can lead 'only US' life.
    Sorry for the long vent.
     
    subblaxmi likes this.
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  2. MonikaSG

    MonikaSG Gold IL'ite

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    I am a housewife and living with very similar mil as you have. Your story is very much same as me. Just telling you my experience as I too don't have any instant solution. I had fight with her many times. Every time when we used to fight our hate for each other grows to next level. Still living all time together needs some communication. By that we always try to become normal slowly then again comes time for another fight. She started hating me. I too. My h had very bad feeling for me as for him his mother is god. Then I slowly realised I can live happily with my h only if I maintain a good relationship with mil. So I slowly started thinking positive about her. It was not an easy task and every time I used to end up with fight. After many fights I realised that fights never come up with solution it actually come with more frustration. So I started ignoring her. Used to go out for a walk or sit inside my room when feel angry. Then I started sharing her my discomfort politely to make her understand that I need comfort not the fight. Then I took further steps. Started accepting her words to some extent then read Ramayana for her went out to park with her did yoga with her. She is actually a very nice and mature lady little irritating too. Now the condition after struggle of 5 years is we can talk to each other show our superiority but don't fight leave the place if get angry and maintaining peace with whatever is required.
     
  3. fourthaugust

    fourthaugust Gold IL'ite

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    Hmmm...your mother in law is a typical mil. Nothing abnormal about her. 90% of her traits match with my mil. The only difference is my mil does not stay with us to care for our kids. She prefers to move around , live her life to the fullest and comes for two week in every couple of months. Even if she comes, she is hardly any help. She des not help much in the household chores and keeps on bitching about me in my neighbourhood spoiling my reputation etc. I could go on and on. So in a way your mil at least helps you with kids and its only because of her your career is on the track . I on the other hand have taken a break from my career to raise my boys. So I take it all what you mentioned on the regular basis without any help from her side. Though the only thing is that I do get regular breaks fro her and lead a pretty good life with my hubby and kids without any interferences from her.
    The only thing that used to upset me was the privacy. I am ok if I don't get to watch television on The sofa because i anyway watch movies online along with my hubby. So when his parents are not around, we watch them on tv otherwise in our bedroom once the kids are fast asleep.
    In order to get some private time, I made certain rules and my hubby needs to stick to them. First rule is always come to bedroom as early as possible . So maximum by ten o clock he needs to be in the bedroom instead of watching TV outside. Ao sometimes he comes earlier too. My in laws go to sleep by nine o clock.
    Another rule a 40minites walk without kids in the evening. I leave my kids with in laws while we take a walk. Weekends we play badminton, TT etc again kids with in laws
    So that way we get plenty of time together.
    Also during days when in laws are around I go to gym, exercise , do yoga etc. So I try to make maximum out of their visits.
    So it is kind of a win win situation for me.
    Regarding her talks, its impossible to avoid them. But try not to speak much just occasional hmmm... Should do. You don't really need to put your brain into what she says.
    And make some rules. It helps. Hope i helped.
     
    nju, Dishaa, Sandycandy and 1 other person like this.
  4. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Your mil sounds like a typical mil to me, in fact a better version as she's really helpful around the house especially with the kids. Taking care of the children is no easy task.
    You are able to work on your career, money peacefully thanks to her.
    You don't have to worry about your children or their safety or about your house every second because you know she will care for it with all her heart as she feels it's her own unlike a hired help.
    And there are many mil's who won't even lift a finger and demands a royal treatment.

    And what are you expecting? Her to stay in your house, help out with the kids and keep her mouth shut or not bother about anything ? Shouldn't talk to you ? Should be in her room ? If our moms lives with us, they may do the same thing too, the only difference is we probably won't bother or tell them to be quiet.

    She is also in need of company, that's why she's talking so much to you. And according to her she's a part of your immediate family, that's why she's expecting a call every day whenever she's outa town n wants to know "everything" as she basically doesn't wana miss out on anything.

    And your husband is gona be unhappy being away from her too.

    I can understand your frustration and the need to be alone. And I can understand her view on all of this too. She's not an evil person with all these characteristics n neither are you.

    Few options you can look at:
    Keep her really busy. She needs her own set of friends around your house. And her own schedule.
    I live in a residential society, I see older ladies / gents having their own yoga classes, religious stuff, Pooja's, every day evening chat time, they go out, get invited to each other's house, holi trips, many things like this. They are so busy n enjoy their life.
    N when they interact with others, they get distracted with other people's stories as well.
    Even my own mil is so busy with her own social life than mine.
    This will give you some space and distraction.

    You can zone out when she's on a talking spree. Find ways to escape. Divert/ distract. Cut a looong call n say battery ran out. Or miss it and say you didn't see it or you slept, something. Find silly ways to get out of it. Don't take her every word seriously, esp when you have to live with her.

    Set up a tv in your room. Put a sofa if you have extra space.

    If you can afford, take a bigger house with 2 floors or an apartment right opposite to each other or even the next floor. Many of our friends do this who lives with a set of parents (could be the gals or guy's parents). We had tried this too, so it really works.
    It's like we are right next to each other but still enjoy our privacy.

    Don't let this frustration build, jus find ways to manage this situation.
    A few rules to spend time alone with husband like night walking, shopping, bed time, yoga, date nights, make sure you keep doing something together.
    Same applies to your children too.
    And do the same with your in laws too.
    So that none feels ignored and at the same time you feel happy about these times you get with them.

    Also take a vacation if it helps.
     
    sumalynux, sindmani, Dishaa and 3 others like this.
  5. KavithaUS

    KavithaUS Silver IL'ite

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    Your MIL is taking complete care of 2 kids while you are at work..this is huge favor. The fact you have weekends to yourself is added bonus for your privacy. You are demanding a cake and eating it too.

    She needs to know what's going on in her son's life. Based on your OP I dont think your MIL is abusing or manipulative of the information she gathers from you or your kids.

    Also senior people needs to talk to adult on continuous basis. Their conversation sometimes makes no sense, but they need someone to be able to talk. In your case after a whole day of mending your children and house keeping in a different city than her hometown..she definitely needs to talk to adults to maintain her sanity.
     
    sumalynux, Sunburst, aspha and 2 others like this.
  6. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    So true ashyney is telling.. ur mil is helping u out.. should see how my mil acts then u would understand the difference.. I would do all the work even her sis and all relatives come n yet for no reason she would not talk..
     
    Dishaa likes this.
  7. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Op,

    From your post I get the feeling what my Dh is facing (My dad stays with us). I am just sharing how he is managing.

    1. Television - Presently we have another tv in our bed room prior to that Dh used to watch online tv shows.
    2. Chatting time - We utilize our breakfast, lunch and dinner time for chatting not a strict timetable but we follow, week ends are different.
    3. Work allocation - My dad is inspects the maid work, plant watering, check the maintenance bills and others expenses, etc.... so he feels involved with us.
    4. Pampering time - Dh has gifted some books, now practicing to operate smart phone, laptop, kindle (we gifted to our both parents), listen to music, enrolled for a senior citizens club go for yoga sessions (very economical but time consuming) so he doesn't get bored staying alone.
    5. Yes we do get bored out when our elders keeps on saying same things again and again, that part we are adjusting, even when we were kids we questioned our parents and they were patient.
    6. Privacy - When we want to spend any alone time we prefer to be in our room and we close the door of our room or go out for movie, shopping, dinner where they are not involved.
     
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  8. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    One way you are lucky she is helping you with kids.

    My mil doesn't care for her own son and grandchild (it hurts sometime) but expect to call and message everyday with all the updates. Financially support and take care of her. On top of that taunt and compare for everything.

    Learn to ignore. Plan more family vacations with h and kids. So you get to spend some quality time.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,she takes good care of your children,gets them from school ,feeds them so that you can your husband can go to work without a worry.

    She leaves you alone during weekends.
    Most people would die for this arrangement . Most people would worship the ground she walks on.

    Concentrate on solving your issues and not mil( she is a blessing ).

    1) privacy and tv

    You get two days of privacy and full control of tv. Make full use of it.
    For the rest of the week....make your bedroom an inviting place. If you have space....put a nice comfortable sofa/ loveseat there. If space is a problem...just put a rug on the floor and some nice big cushions and get yourself a nice relaxing corner. Get yourself a second tv or make your laptop/ tablet your entertainment centre.Put a curtain on your door and enjoy your privacy.

    2) Her constant talking.....agree that can be irritating but talkative people like to talk...or else they feel sad and stifled. You need to divide her talking time between the entire family. Tell your husband ,children ,fil to spend time with her.

    When she expects a call during weekend..call her when husband and kids are around. Say your greetings and they tell her ,her son and grandkids will tell her the rest. Hand over the phone and do your own thing.

    3) interference in kitchen.... Tell her ' maa ,you take care of kids all day,you must be tired. I will take care ,you go and rest/ watch tv. If she insists..tell her she has told you many times,now let you practice it . Do it with a smile and send her out of the kitchen.

    If she gives instructions from outside also...just put some songs loudly on your mobile in the kitchen and keep working.

    Op,you have it all. You get to work knowing your children are safe and well taken care of . You get your home back to you during weekends.
    Enjoy it. Your cloud has a huge silver lining to it...appreciate it and appreciate her.

    No one can have it all .Your situation may not seem perfect ,but it is as close to perfect as it can get.
    A lot of women choose to give up on their career because they want to take care of their kids and to make sure they are safe.
     
  10. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @shubhrata, each person has their own notion of an ideal living arrangement. What is yours?

    Once you are clear about what you want, it will be easier to achieve it.
     
    Rihana likes this.

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