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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Aarushi

    Aarushi Finest Post Winner

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    Sweetie, you are amazing. Truly. To have the capacity to do self reflection at an agonizing time like this and to be able to pin point to what might have led you to this, I am extremely impressed. It was years before I could say to myself that it was my low self esteem that led me to say yes to a man I was not in love with it. You have been in my thoughts so much and as I read your posts I feel that you are growing stronger and more self aware. You are on your way to becoming a butterfly girl!!!❤️❤️❤️

    Yellowmango has given some great advise. I would just like to add to it. Love is not just an emotion, it is an action. From what you are describing, your husband has serious mental and emotional issues to deal with. He is ultra controlling, possessive, verbally and physically abusive, and even puts the blame of low sperm count on you.

    But all of that is on HIM. Not a single iota, particle, drop belongs to you. You are not responsible for his abusive behavior (regardless of what him and his mother might be trying to convince you off).

    Have you shared with your family that he hits you and abuses you? If not, then please do so.

    You know why your husband doesn’t want you to meet your friends or keep in touch with folks you like? It’s because he wants to cut off your support network. He wants you totally dependent on him.

    I also get the feeling that he thinks of women (And you) as a possession. To be controlled and told what to do and when. The idea that you have a mind and heart of your own who is a human being just like him seems to be an alien concept to him.

    I would suggest that you think some more- about why you say he loves you and you love him. The more you reflect the more you will realize that he just wants an audience of one (you) to his life. His actions do not seem to convey that he has a high regard or love for you. Too often we delude ourselves to what we can live with.

    You are part of the divine and a child of this universe. You deserve to be loved and respected and you deserve no less.

    May the force be with you my child. You are loved by your family and friends and s lot of strangers. Never forget this. ((((Hugs)))) ❤️❤️❤️
     
    Thyagarajan, joylokhi, Afresh and 4 others like this.
  2. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    I have told my Mom that I am living here just for the sake of society and i am not at all feeling happy in this house. But I have not told her about my husband's physical abuse. My sister was not ready for this alliance and I am afraid she will make a mountain of a mole-hill. She will not listen to me that they dont have toi interfere as of now, i am trying to handle it on my own. Thats why I am not telling the deep detail to my parents.

    Thats in vain, I tried your advice yesterday, I was not feeling well and he was busy on watching wwe videos on his phone , I just told him that I want him to spend time with me and his behavior is keeping us apart. He just stormed out of the room saying that I irritate him all the time with my **** talks.

    I will be more than happy to move back to my parents.

    I am in too much pressure of getting pregnant too. I just have 3 months because I have undergone rubella vaccination and I have to wait 3 months before starting planning a baby. I dont know how to delay that because if I ask my husband to wait , he abuse me of saying that my mother had rightly told me that this girl is not suitable for you and our family.

    I dont know I have so many problems , you people have wonderful solutions but I think i am not courageous enough to apply them :(
     
    Afresh likes this.
  3. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear aditi
    Don't say u r not courageous. Believe me when people get into tough situations then only they know what courage is. It comes automatically.
    I was in your shoes 7 years back. Still my hubby has that controlling nature, but it has decreased. It didn't happened automatically. I had to fight for it. Dear hear we can only give online advices. Only you have to fight your battle.
    I was so fed up in my first year of marriage that one fine day came to my parents home for ever. Told them everything and they supported my decision. My divorce papers were also ready. This gave my hubby a big shock. From then onwards he has mended his ways. Still he is dominating. But it's bearable.

    Sweetie this depends on your hubby. If he really wants you the divorce thing May frighten him. But if he is not bothered it will be better to leave such a scum bag. Your life will be more smooth without him. It's very difficult living with a controlling partner.

    You have to be courageous. It's your battle you have to fight it. First convey everything with your parents and sis. They are your support system. Be firm with your hubby. Dont bend always. See how he reacts. If ever he gets physical go back to urparents place. You don't have a child that's the biggest boon. And do hell with society.
    Remember when god closes one door he definitely opens another. Have faith. Be strong. U r in my prayers.
     
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  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    It doesn't matter what his mother told him. Please please please "DO NOT GET PREGNANT". You need to take some time of and be with your family. Do not involve your sister in it as she may not be of much help to you. It is very very important that you seriously think what is the next step and how to move away from him? Please do not get pregant. Take birth control pills and keep that at your work or hide it somewhere in the house where he won't find it.
     
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  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh. Physical abuse should never be tolerated
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    This is very serious
    If he continues the physical abuse, just divorce him.Never have a kid with him
    My friend had the same problem like you she thought he will change. Now she has a kid 5 years old. He is abusing her daily.
    No she's repenting that she didn't leave him in the early years of marriage. She thought she could change him. Now she's scared to leave him because she has a kid and her parents are very old.
     
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  7. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    He won't change. It is very hard to take action once you have a kid.
     
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  8. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Dear Aditi ,

    If you pause and look around you will notice that every person is fighting his/her own battle. May not be same as yours but maybe of much lesser or higher degree than yours . But there are problems with all.
    Think of your mom, she may have faced some troubles, your sister who was teasing you may have faced /facing some trouble .
    Every human being is given small /big/one problem/many problems at all stages of life. It's not to trouble us and feel miserable but to learn something from such situation. Trust me your problems with MIL will not even matter to you in the next couple of years. When I got married faced a lot of issues with my in laws. I was on the verge of going to depression . In a span of 1 year 3 times I was in the hospital bed because of bulimia. All this changed once I changed my attitude towards the problems. I didn't escape, instead stood and fought for what a DIL deserves. Now I stay in harmony with my in laws caring for each other because we have communicated with each other and continue to do every day. We don't agree all the time. Sometimes conflicts comes but at the end of it I have stood for myself and done what I have thought is right.
    You know your problems ,you are facing them. The suggestions here may or may not work for you. Apply your thoughts and instincts and fight for yourself. It maybe finding a way to stay in this marriage and making things work or moving away from marriage. You know it better but whatever it is you have to face it.
    If you are unable to fight on all the problems at a time ,take one at a time . Go and stay with parents. If that doesn't work make your husband understand what you are going through . If that doesn't work find ways to deal your MIL . In any case keep fighting and figuring out ways to keep yourself happy. When I say compromise with MIL it's not by fighting or going against her. Try to understand what she needs and why is she behaving a certain way towards you. What can you change in you to make yourself happy . First start believing that your problems are small and you can tackle it. If you think there are many problems then you can't fight them. You said right your dad thought you to be independent, apply those lessons now and fight for yourself. Figure out a way to make things work in your favour which gives peace of mind to you. You may not have been a fighter till now as you said but that can change and now is the time to change that attitude and stand up for yourself.
    This too shall pass sooner than you think. Good luck and I'm hoping your next update is about how to found ways to stand up and fight for yourself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2019
    Thyagarajan, Afresh, msm and 3 others like this.
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @adisum,

    Time out. You have too many moving parts in your married life.

    1) Your husband is exposed to a stormy relationship between his parents.

    2) Your husband physically abuses you as well.

    3) Your in-laws are not having good relationship with you.

    4) You are being pressurised to start a family against your will especially your relationship with your husband is not cordial enough.

    5) Your husband needs further treatment to materialize starting a family.

    6) You feel you rushed into this marriage as you were afraid you mighy have missed getting married had you missed thst chance. This may make you seek a lot of attention from him.

    7) Your decision on this marrital relationship is somewhat influenced by what would be the judgment of your sister. This fear may work considerably in your mind on your day to day interaction.

    IMHO, you need to work on your end of the problems before you can attempt the first five issues at your husbands end. You need to take time out of this wedlock before you make any informed and well thought out decision.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  10. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    do you live in india??
    even in india ,you can call police if he beats you
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.

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