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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    He has seen his parents fighting with each other always. His parents don't have a normal relationship as I have observed in 1 year's time. As I have seen my parents talking to each other normally spending time and all, I have never seen his parents doing normal couple things. My FIL leaves home around 7 in the morning without taking his breakfast while my MIL is sleeping and he came back by 9:30 or 10.00 ( sometimes have his dinner) and go to sleep. No family talks, no table discussions at all. This is exactly the opposite of my life before marriage. May be this is the reason I am finding it difficult to adjust here. But most of the things here are weird. This kind of relationship of parents could be the reason of my husband's odd behavior ???
     
  2. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    Leaving this marriage is really a huge step and i dont see myself as that courageous person. I know I am harming myself in this marriage because 90% of the time I spent at my in-laws place I just cry. I miss my mom so much that I am yearning to be with her. When i go to my mom's house , I just don't want to come back. But then society pressure , parents respect comes into my mind and I say to myself "You have to adjust Aditi". Am I wrong ?
     
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  3. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    We are what we are due to our circumstances. But with awareness we can change our deep seated anxieties, worries and insecurities. A good counsellor will be able to help. Give it a try.
     
  4. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    You fell in love or was this an arranged marriage?
    If you fell in love, what was he like before and what attracted you to him?
     
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  5. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: I write this because, previously I was one among the many concerned with your pandemonium.
    2. I wish you had read the story in fiction here
    Getti Melam - Supraja - An Apple Of My Eye
    Wherein The plight of a sister described right from the day of her wedding....and how she had SURMOUNTED with succour from good samaritans in the form of colleagues and brother.
    You must seek council and or help from your near and dear.
    God Bless.
     
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  6. Paripoorna

    Paripoorna Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    I understand you are going through a very very tough situation.
    My only suggestion woukd be please stand up for yourself. Things will definitely fall in place.
     
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  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Aditi,

    I can feel your pain, having endured a lot of this the first decade of marriage. But mercifully we managed to move out after 8 years. I remember looking at my life from the outside and wondering how this thing that 'happens to others' was happening to me. Life improved after we moved out. But let me tell you, after moving out, I realized that mil was not the only source of problems. Yes, she was a huge part, but there are a lot of issues which were due to the two individuals involved in the relationship and I am sure there are many issues which will never ever get sorted out. That is because we are two individuals with different personalities.

    Once a distance was put between her and me - living our own lives under different roofs - life certainly became more bearable. I got back my life once again and I can see myself as the same person I was before I got married. I dread to think what life would be if I stopped recognizing myself in the mirror (the way it was in those 8 years).

    Support from the husband is extremely important, and I am not sure how you will choose to tackle that issue. You have received a lot of suggestions here and I am sure talking to your own family members will help you get over the worst.

    Wishing you all the best dear and do hope you will get back your life.
     
  8. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Start going to these events on your own. Stop trying to take him along. Yes he’s gona fight initially but better to fight than crying or having suicidal thoughts.

    Ok. For the society pressure, you stay in the marriage. But there’s no society pressure to not fight right.. So fight. There’s a limitation for adjusting, it may end up breaking you very soon n even a cat fights back when cornered.

    One of my closest friend went through a similar situation but she started fighting back once she realised that no matter how much she adjusts or bends he’s just not gona change.. so she started traveling on her own to family n friends events n weddings, etc. He doesn’t go, even now after so many years of marriage but she goes. Initially there used to be full on fights for everything, her dressing, friends, family, similar to your situation.. but she stopped bothering, n started living. The initial time she changed, there were continuous fights of course, but she stopped begging n apologising n said u don’t do, that’s fine, am not gona force you n similarly u don’t force me. They are still together, more than a decade now, he can still turn into a pain now n then but she always keeps him in place or else he will start forcing her to bend again.

    Stop letting him control your every move. Start going to your Moms’s house or any weddings n events on your own.
    If they fight, fight back. They make your life miserable, make theirs miserable. They will slow down eventually or at least reduce the taunts on you.

    So either accept defeat, n keep crying n Imagine a child in this sad situation.

    Or walk away n cut the loss early.

    Or fight , fight n fight till you reach where you want. No one can stop you from fighting except yourself.
     
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  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello::hello:A very apt query at this stage sister.
    I too inquisitive and glad that you had put the query here. Thanks.
    Regards.
    God Bless.
     
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:I can’t agree more with your well analysed suggestion of this moment. OP has to decide and go along choosing the options mentioned at the foot of your FB ibid.
    2. Society is a blind entity when person like OP IN dire circumstances.
    3. Society is there only to share & multiply persons’ happiness or enjoy over a party or dinner thrown at them but they will not or are not participative adequately in a person’s sensitive and distress CALL and in that event they will be far far away from the epicentre.
    4. OP should desist vacillating and decisive right now this moment is the right moment.
    Thanks and Regards.
    God Bless all my sisters and daughters including the globe trotting.
     
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