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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    No person can love someone like this. It's easy to talk
     
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  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    absolutely!
    Isn't MIL alone and lives with her son? There was no mention of FIL. What is FIL's take on this?
     
  3. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    We need to teach ourselves to love ourselves first. The someone, however valuable comes only next. We shouldn't be making ourselves into punching bags and doormats to please the ego of the third someone that the someone we love loves. The someone that someone we love loves will not be there to love us and make us a priority when we need it. So no, we do not love just anyone because someone in our life loves them. We love because the receiver truly deserves and cherishes it, not because of any other arbitrary factor. Our love isn't available to be dished out to just about anyone diminishing its worth. Our love is a rare commodity that comes with our respect, gratitude, dedication, commitment, friendship, loyalty, and trust.
    In fact, this should be a #1 rule in any parents handbook. Teach your children that it's ok to not forcefully love just about anyone for the so-called love of someone we want in our lives.

    We can tolerate people that someone in our life loves but then the tolerated people don't get to walk all over us.
    The difference between people we love and people we tolerate for someone we love is huge. Earning our love is a two-way street. Earning our tolerance can be due to the fact that the person we love, loves this person.
     
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Wise words. Well explained. This was long due.
     
    Laks09, radv and yellowmango like this.
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    It is sad that we come from a culture where we all have to ask the victims to be quiet , ignore and bid time and try to win over the abuser's son .

    Some even think entitled abusers should be changed with love when the real advice should be to call the police and report them and get them out of their lives.

    Hope a day comes when people will no longer think that the son's spouse owes them a service or they somehow get a right into her life.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Wish I could give you a thousand likes for this post.

    I would add one more.
    If the person we love expects us to tolerate bad behavior from people he loves, then he probably does not love us that much .
     
  7. Sweety2016

    Sweety2016 Gold IL'ite

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    What a thoughtful thread this is!!!

    You know people like @yellowmango , @Laks09 , @Rihana , @DDream , @SGBV are the gaurdian angels of relationship forum...hold on tight to their words of wisdom...Look at the versatility of the advices given...it has all the ingredients in it for a very successful personal upliftment!!!

    Please think whether you deserve all this...for god's sake don't apologise for mistakes you have not done...it's now or never..the rules you set now in the first 2 years of marriage, is what will go on throughout your life..is your h a trophy worth this much of energy loss???..start introspecting the purpose of your life...you, your health, your career defines you so concentrate more on it...good luck!!
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    :thumbup:.
    I think the victims are afraid of "victim blaming" than the abuse. May be that's the reason why they stay in that life or keep quiet. They cannot get out easily, as they will be blamed again for being selfish, a bad wife, mother or denying their kids a good future. Divorce is still a taboo in many places. Even second marriages too. But men can easily get out or remarry. If woman is financially independent, she will be able to manage, but many stay in these marriages due to the protection (in love with marriage but not in love with husband) it provide compared to the loneliness, humiliation, fear of unknown etc.. Many want to get out of marriage due to similar issues but stuck there due to the social pressure.

    To stay or leave , one needs immense strength. At least in USA, if someone is afraid and they can call 911. There will be consequences. Some of my Indian friends, during a conversation revealed how they set the boundary correct even before marriage. They said to their spouse if you raise your hand at me , I will call 911 and you are out of my life. It possible if there is a good supportive society.

    But in many places in India, its not easy to get police support and can get humiliated again in police station. This system should change , may be with good education and awareness. But when? ... that is the big question. When a man is raised in such environment, he most likely to do the same to his wife. and the cycle continues.. where to stop that cycle? Why don't all these women who faced abuse don't teach their son its not OK to do that and teach them how to treat their spouse with respect. Its changing, atleast some women know their rights and stand up for them, not all. But its hard path ahead that needs independence, courage, mental strength , an I dont care & never give up attitude.
     
  9. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    So ... wives should love their cheating husbands' mistresses? :p :smilingimp: :lol:
    .
     
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  10. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @adisum, it sounds like your MIL has serious mental health issues. This level of paranoia is not normal. She needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP for her own safety.

    Your FIL is probably right. She needs help.
    .
     
    adisum and KashmirFlower like this.

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