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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    You make the effort because it is in your best interest. You use all that you have listed to your advantage. For now, let your parents handle the insults she dished out to them. "Not talking to you", "don't bother if you are there are not" -- these can be turned around to be of good use to you while you also "work on the relationship" as your husband wants you to. You can define what "work on relationship" means. It is like a parent tells a child to "clean the room" without defining exactly what a clean room means. The smart child will come up with his definition, make it a reasonable one, and show that he made sufficient effort without breaking a sweat.
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    No you are not wrong .
    But that is not the way your husband thinks .

    Like others have said....
    Stay respectfully polite to mil.
    Avoid her when husband is not around.
    When husband is around, do basic interaction making sure he notices.
    If he expects you to do more...remind him you have tried but one needs two hands to clap . Taali ek haath se nahi bajti ...keep telling him you have put your hand out many times. Then change the topic.

    If your husband ever comes to your side of thinking in future,then you can broach the topic of seperate living arrangement .....even if it is in the same house.
    Till then you will have to become smart.

    Another effort you have to make is to not get too effected by his getting upset. He is not God .
    Does he get effected by you getting upset.
    Don't give him the power to hurt you emotionally.
    Let him shout ,you be calm and think some mad person is shouting .
    Try to get mentally and emotionally stronger.
    His ability to hurt you emotionally is a weapon he uses. Slowly take that weapon away from him.

    Soon you will know if he has any love for you .
    That will help you take your future decisions . Till then don't plan a baby.

    Stay strong
    Best wishes.
     
  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Sometimes it is not about right or wrong.
    If your efforts to turn this situation into a manageable relationship, it would make it easier for you to bridge your relationship with your husband. Isn't it worth a try? This may also foster a more peaceful environment for all. Peace allows for other changes to take place.

    My nephew told his wife before marriage, my mother will always live with us and your relationship with her is your responsibility. He told her, "Remember, you are from different generation than her, she is stubborn and also you grew up in a different environment". It was testy the 1st year, and his mom would always complain and not speak to her DIL. She in turn ignored her MIL.
    My nephew's wife is a very smart girl and found a way to connect with her MIL. She started out with simple things like telling her when she was leaving the house, asking her if she wanted anything when she went shopping, when she came home just let her know that she was home and asked her how she was? She didn't expect any response, not even an acknowledgement. After a while not surprisingly, MIL's complaint to her son stopped. Now they have a more happier and healthier relationship. She didn't take the stand "why me?"; instead, she constantly reminded her MIL her presence and ignoring was not an option. In a way, she stood her ground that she is also here to stay. In 4 to 6 months time span things began to change. They have a healthier and happier relationship.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2019
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  4. Emarald

    Emarald Silver IL'ite

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    Ok

    If u meditate regularly u will not get affected with any negativity. Pls learn and practice regularly
     
  5. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    When it comes to your parents, it is a sensitive issue and very hurtful. Hard to be objective; getting involved is perhaps the worst thing to do. Your parents are grown ups and they can handle it. If you can't leave, then you need to focus on handling your situation. As Rhiana pointed out - whatever it takes.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I would differ on the issue of her disrespecting your parents.

    If you leave it to your parents to deal with,it just means they are being asked to take **** from her quietly without taking a stand for themselves....because that is what the society expects from them. They have given their daughter and they are expected to suffer in silence for the ' happiness and safety of their daughter'.

    You should let your husband know that your limit will end if this happens again. Let him know you will not stay quiet and hell will be raised. If he wants to prevent an all out war at home, he better make arrangements to reign in his monster mother.
    No need for drama...just let him know in a cold and calm voice during a calm period,not during a tension filled time.

    I have never heard of abuse of dil's parents stop on its own . If they take it, this abnoxious woman will keep giving it to them.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2019
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  7. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    She did it again @yellowmango and I did the same as you told. I had already told my husband the last time it happened. Yesterday she was having a fight with her son and she started scolding me, I was quiet until it was on me only and she abused my parents out of nowhere and without any reason and I dont know if i did right or wring. I yelled at her for this act. I told her very firmly that she has no right to abuse my parents when they are not even saying anything to her.
     
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  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    This sets up for drama. No need for drama?
    Grown parents can defend themselves however they choose to. It is their choice. Instead of exacerbating the situation, energy can be better spent to find out what triggers this?
     
  9. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Did that help you?
     
  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Aditi,

    A very simple logic in life is not to abuse someone who is not physically present to defend themselves. But if you MIL had those principles, she won't be doing such unscrupulous acts of scolding your parents. But please remember that it is more to trigger you and say something so that you can get into bad books with her son. Don't let that happen.

    When she is alone, tell her what opinion you and your parents have about her and if she repeats that to her son, tell him that it is no different that what your MIL thinks about your parents.

    Viswa
     
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