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How To Surmount This Problem?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    I am very astonished at the title of my thread... I was a bubbly and positive person a year ago. But its just an year into my married life and i am being tortured (mentally) and humiliated by my mother-in-law always and my husband at times.

    My mother-in-law don't talk to me at all... Now that's not my problem but my husband puts pressure on me to talk to her when she never responds to me. It has been a year i am trying to make a normal relation with her but she is such an arrogant and self obsessed person that she thinks she is only one on this earth who has brought up a child with difficulties and she has made everything we are using in the house. From a needle to the whole house, she thinks everything belongs to her only and no one else has done any efforts or hard work to earn the same.

    She disrespected my parents, I didn't say anything, she disrespected me, i kept quiet... but now she is torturing me everyday mentally. I am feeling very helpless and the only way i can see for this to end is to end my own life. I cant go back to my parents. I love my husband I cant live without him but i cant live with his mom even.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2019
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  2. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

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    Don’t be mad and it’s not good to think like this.
    All has such things in some extend in life and I know it makes so helpless when no one cares.
    I will say try to find out different way from this , you may fail once twice but you will get it.
    Life is more precious than those bad things.
     
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  3. aahuti

    aahuti Senior IL'ite

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    Hang on!Be strong.
    You'll be well.
     
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  4. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, you need to relax!
    I was once sailing in the same boat but had major issues as well due to which i got divorced.
    Other than the MIL's torture, is there anything else that is bothering you?
    Have you spoken to your DH about the MIL?
    OP, life is only once, don't even think about suicide.
    You need to learn about coping mechanisms to deal with her.
     
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  5. Purple2017

    Purple2017 Silver IL'ite

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    I can suggest you go to your parent's house for about 15 days citing some pretext. Once you live alone without your mother-in-law for sometime, you will feel relaxed and get new energy and good thoughts on how to face the situation. Never think of suicide or death under any circumstances. Life is so precious.
     
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  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:As a father I was shocked and bewildered to read the caption in the “new posts” announcement and it produced instant tears.
    2. Do not be hasty and come to any rash conclusion to end yourself. You are in this forum since March 2015 with enviable trophy points and therefore I am sure more feedbacks with ideas how to tide your immediate confusion over irritating MIL. YOUR PROFILE ONELINER demonstrates perhaps your profound love for your spouse and as @Purple2017 in her FB suggested above take into confidence your DH and have open discussion jointly with MIL. I trust this would help to resolve your dilemma over life.
    3. Please remember Not to say or utter anything negative about your Mil and you must try to seek positives about her and convey it as beautifully as you can. Look for moments to praise her methods ideas.
    how to deal with obstinate Mother In law - Google Search

    4. There are so many ways to come out of your negative emotion . You are not the only person affected by obstinate possessive MIL. There are thousands and thousands of persons like you had the urge but eventually they fought over and managed to handle negative emotion andemerbed triumphant. You have the will to try and succeed.
    5. I trust you had gone through the posts and threads in this forum as to how others have managed their diffident stubborn obstinate MILs and spouses. I wish you to go through them once again besidesweb pages copied above for your immediate perusal.
    Regards.
    God Bless us All Always.
     
  7. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @adisum,

    Do you know what's life?
    Zindagi ek sangharsh hain. zindagi bhagwan ki daen hain.

    Your life isn't your own; your parents, (your spouse) and the society you live in have a stake in it. You are a product of their collective effort and you owe them something good in return.

    For some small interpersonal friction, will you give up everything and take your life too? Aren't you educated enough to face and resolve the differences, win her and your husband over? Come on, dear, you have to realise your own strength and fight for your rights and survival.

    Your goal is to regain your confidence and work at normalising your relationship with her. You leave your ego aside and look at her as an egoistic, unintelligent old woman; she desperately needs validation and acknowledgement for all her sacrifices in raising her son. Perhaps she was never appreciated by the people who mattered to her in life, give her the credit. What will you lose in appreciating and thanking her for the husband you have got! See how she would melt if you openly appreciate her hard work, skill and the good parenting she has done! Dear, use your education and word power to your advantage.

    While I do acknowledge that her ill-treatment towards your parents is unpardonable, change your paradigm and see her as a weak woman; in her weak moment, she has uttered those hurtful things. The moment you make yourself stronger, you will feel sympathy and not rage towards her. Persuade her the way you would persuade your own mother. Let her know that you genuinely respect and care for her. Give her time to let go of her bloated ego and accept you. Relationships are not built overnight; they need a lot of love, work and attention.

    Focus on strengthening yourself in your eyes; develop confidence and resilience to face the situation. How can you leave the battlefield without using all your strengths and resources?

    Deep breathe, relax and collect yourself. If need be, take a small break from your routine. Learn to look at the bigger picture in life.

    There are many interesting articles and responses in IL, read them to inspire yourself.
    See if the following articles are of any help to you:

    Choose Your Fights Wisely
    Mental Health: Coping With Lows.
     
  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    First and foremost, you need to go to your parents house spend sometime there. Does your MIL lives with you? What about your FIL? Was your MIL like this from day one or it developed over time? Do you work? or Have you considered taking up a job? The resolution to any problem is to have open communication. This is a serious situation and you need to talk about how you feel with both your DH AND MIL. Together find a way to build a relationship; perhaps all three of you should go to a counselor. Being bitter towards your MIL is not going to help. Try to understand what she has gone through in life and find out what does she expect out of you?
    You will be surprised an honest conversation and you acknowledging her situation will pave the way for a relationship.
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2019
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  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    My Dear Adisum,

    I was deeply pained by your conclusion. I would like you to think about the following:

    1) You love your husband dearly and if you cease to exist, he would be devastated and regret not protecting you for the rest of his life. By ending your life, you are virtually converting your husband into a nervous wreck for the rest of his life.

    2) Please understand your MIL's indifference stems from the feeling that someone else has entered her son's life to share his love when it was an exclusive territory of her all these years. It is pure and simple possessiveness and nothing else. Over a period of time, when you have your own children, she would learn to reconcile to the reality. Give her some time.

    3) All of that indifference attitude from others are not affecting you but it is your internal reaction to what they do is what is hurting you. Divert your mind to something very positive and productive. Think about everything positive you have done in your life until you got married. How can you erase all of it by a single decision to end life?

    4) Fine. You can't go back to your parents. If you end your life, how devastated your parents will be knowing what you are thinking now? Besides feeling terrible about what you are planning to do, they would blame themselves for life for not knowing what went wrong in your life by being proactive. Do you like to give that feeling to your parents for life?

    5) I understand your husband and MIL are your world now. What would happen tomorrow if you decide to start a family? How happy you would be to see that bundle of joy every single day when he or she grows up? Why can't you visualize those wonderful feelings now to overcome this ordeal you are encountering now?

    6) Your life is wired for a reason and what right you have to end it abruptly without finding the reason for your life? You do have inherent happiness built into your system and all you need to do is to invoke that inherent happiness? Only thing that can stop you from feeling it is your own mind.

    7) You don't have to be a doormat to anyone but you can be normal being comfortable ina place you live as your right and your MIL as cohabitant. Think that no one owns anything and when we all leave everything is going to be left here. Why should you bother about someone claiming everything belong to her? How long she could claim it?

    8) Be very close to your husband and discuss only very important issues that you encounter (bothering you very much) when you are alone with him that too when he is in a great mood to spend time with you like shopping, movie, etc. Always, never present that as your problem that he needs to resolve. Ask him for his advice as a husband how to handle this situation. That will bring him very close to you.

    9) Explain to your husband how much you understand he loves his mother the same way you love your parents. Tell him that you would like to love his mother the same way you love your parents. That will make him think well to build a good relationship with your parents and make him find out what is blocking your relationship with his mother.

    10) When you get overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide, think about the positives time you spent as a child and visualize how happy your life will be to spend time with your children just like how your parents spent time with you.

    Get well soon. If required, don't hesitate to take medical advice. My prayers are with you. Your writing this here itself is a good sign that you would like to recover from this feeling.

    Note: I have written all these things thinking what I would have said if you were my daughter.

    Viswa
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2019
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello:I trust your notes and notes of others in their feedback here would make her contemplative and reverse her conclusion. My eyes welled up and I wrote my FB in tears as if a dad writing to daughter.
    Regards.
    God bless
     

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