1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How To Strengthen My Marriage - Need Support And Advice Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by zahra123, May 12, 2019.

  1. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    249
    Likes Received:
    461
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Your post made me heavy hearted.
    One thing you can do is think of your kids and his kids. They need loving parents and a family unit to feel safe and secure, any mild disturbance in that will impact the kids the most. Keep this as a mantra in your mind daily and forget him.

    Women are emotional and their mind is overactive. So doing meditation and focusing on ur breath for 20 min daily will control ur hyper active mind, working out in gym will bring positive thoughts and all these past thoughts and feelings will go down.

    Plan a nice vacation with ur family and that planning and booking process and researching abt the place with ur dh wil bring u closer to him and u will slowly forget ur ex. Hike with ur family in weekends as being in nature will bring so much clarity to mind. Ur mind is refusing to let go, train ur mind to plan new stuff in weekends with ur hubby so u will see the present and let go past

    Goodluck dear. Atleast u are so lucky to have 2 amazing men in your life, lot of us here are not that lucky.
     
  2. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with this point. He can't bear it if he gets to know about this. And I don't want him to go through that just because of my decisions in my past life. I want to make him and my kids happy in every way possible. But not being able to do that is what makes me stressed out the most - its a cyclic process. I am constantly trying though.


    N decide what is it that you really want in your life.

    My ex is 5 years elder to me whereas my husband is just one year elder. So obvously ex must have had pressure from home to get married when he was coming home for anual leaves. I can completely understand. I still believe ex tried his best to get me. If I hadn't mentioned about the new relationship I am sure he must have waited.

    Thanks for your kind words and replying by being in my shoes. These are really good words of support. I have thought of getting counselling sessions when I was really out of control after we met 2 years back. I could not even hold back my tears even infront of other people. I am much better now, but still not fully normal. I need to put lots of effort as you said, my dh surely doesnt deserve this.
     
  3. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for your amazing words, senorita2019. I certainly don't want my kids to go through any kind of disturbance. Especially myself being a child of parents with a failed marriage - I have really suffered emotionally during my childhood. We have had vacations and trips in the past years, but still my mind is not ready to get back to normal. Any trigger of memories from the past put me back in the difficult situation. Thanks for mentioning this - "Atleast u are so lucky to have 2 amazing men in your life."- It brought smiles on my face.you are right. They both are amazing.
     
    senorita2019 likes this.
  4. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Still needing help dears...! :disrelieved::disrelieved:
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,369
    Likes Received:
    22,033
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op....the one who slipped away is always the best.
    No husband and wife can win from that one because most of him/ her is imagination.

    He is the man you built your dreams with....but remember those are just dreams .

    You haven't heard his snores
    or seen his drool when asleep.
    You have not heard his fart .
    You have not had little bickerings and fights with him over little things.
    You haven't dealt with his morning breath .
    You haven't seen the mean side of him that everyone has.
    You haven't had to deal with his family.
    You haven't seen how he treats you in front of his family.

    Had you seen all that, you would have realised your husband is not such a bad catch after all.

    Op...the grass is greener on the other side.
    Duur ke dhol suhaane hote hain.
    Look at the one you married. He is the one who waited to find you .He is the one who swore to spend his life with you.

    No matter what the reason was for you not having married that guy...this one is the one who married you.

    Let go of that man .
    Take care of your side of the grass...
     
  6. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    96
    Likes Received:
    62
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    @op yellow mango has given you correct advice .. you don’t know your ex completely not even 10% .. you dint live with him even a day in a room .. you know people real character only when you start living with them .. he may be a good lover but you can’t say he could be a good husband .. you have a nice family caring husband n kids what lacks in your marriage ..? Introspective your self .. if it’s just guilty it will get over . But dint roam in the past it takes you no where ..

    You said he treated you with respect after so many year that what any one will do who loves their wife n family .. so respect is diff from love .. so he dint have any love for you not any more accept it .. so you also treat him with respect ..

    How to get over the guit feeling ..?firt of all you don’t have to feel guilty .. Why feeling guilty for him ..? he is having good life family wife and kids .. he dint sacrificed his life he moved on ..

    Do you work ..? Music dance paint gym yoga all can help you .. do you have friends roam around .. keep occupied .. how come you have free time to think all this with two kids .

    Finally social media it can ruin many happy marriages if you don’t use it wisely .. don’t search for un necessary things .. cut of yourself from his contact on social media .. don’t contact even like a friend .. if we don’t have social media what you would do .. ? You will not go or travel to his place to meet him right .. ? So stop contacting him ..

    Saving your marriage is in your hands .. you said you are independent bold .. show it In action get strength lead your life happily dint fall for non existent relationship.. your family and your kids are your strength ..

    Keeping your self controlled and metured not only saves your marriage but also his marriage ..
     
    yellowmango, Sinant and KashmirFlower like this.
  7. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    454
    Likes Received:
    904
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    No matter how many people advice you to forget about this guy , I doubt its as simple as instructing your mind to stop thinking about him. You are deeply infatuated and you have constructed some kind of fantasy about the both of you. I doubt he is pining for you op, sorry for being blunt. My opinion is you should talk about this to your husband. Maybe bringing this out into the open is the only way you will face reality .
     
    zahra123 likes this.
  8. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    597
    Likes Received:
    1,430
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    I think quite the opposite. Why make her husband aware that he is not good enough and she is fantasizing about the ex ?

     
    Amulet and yellowmango like this.
  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    454
    Likes Received:
    904
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    @SinghManisha I think some honesty can help relationships. As the saying goes, I would rather be hurt by the truth than be comforted by a lie . I dont think its helping her marriage in any ways by hiding all of this.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  10. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Shreema, You are 100% right. Its not as simple as others say. I have been telling myself to stop thinking about him and taking efforts for last 3-4 years and it has not helped. And I don't agree its just fantasy- Fantasies don't have such long lives. May be its more of psychological. ?? Once as you suggested I talked about it to my husband when I had a good opportunity, you won't believe how much peace and calmness it brought to me. Of course I can't tell him all about it, but just in a way that losing him was one of the greatest pains that I have endured in my life. But I mad e sure he didnt get much worried about it and stopped when I started feeling its becoming too much.
    I think the greatest disturbance in my mind I am facing is that now I am hiding this from my husband and that I am not 100% open with him. Believe me, having secrets in life makes you a lot disturbed. Morover I can't share this with anyone, let alone husband. In a way I am not having an openness with anyone around me. If I did not mention before, my relationship with mom was also severed after the relationship failure. Although we talk normally, there is lot of distance mentally. There is a limit to our conversations and I don't enjoy it or feel close to her as a mother-daughter conversation should be. So there are a lot of problems to be solved, and in that way I am closest to ex, since we do not have any scerets between ourselves. I think that could be the reason I am longing for his presence.But we haven't had contact in last 2 years. I am now trying to find happiness by engaging in social activities and charity works. Please pray for me.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
    SinghManisha likes this.

Share This Page