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How To Strengthen My Marriage - Need Support And Advice Please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by zahra123, May 12, 2019.

  1. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

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    Sorry for the long post.
    I fell in love with this wonderful and charming person from my hometown when I was 15 yrs. We had lots of things in common and we loved each other to the moon. For me he was perfect and he was ‘The One’.Its strange though that we never talked to each other in person, but only through phone or may be seeing each other from distance. May be this long distance relationship made us feel that our love is indeed deep and pure. I was planning to take it forward seriously and introduce this matter to my mom when I secure a seat in a decent university.

    However things didn't turn out as I planned, my mom came to know about it from other source however in a very twisted way.

    My mom is separated from my dad for more than 12 years and naturally I have an elder sister who is not married as she is autistic. So naturally, she had high expectations on my future. However we had a good bonding and that's why I did not intenmd to keep this as a secret for too long, but not too early either. Unfortunately me and lover had some financial and status differences. However I did not care about any of these as my love for him was so sincere, but my mom would make a big deal out of it. Moreover another issue that existed was that my grandfather was working in a superior position in a firm where his dad worked as well. So she made a big deal of all these and she said this is never gonna workout and none of my relatives would approve this. Besides it will hurt my Grand Dad and uncles who were helping with my studies and everything, as my father did not care for us at all. They were overprotective about me and wanted to bring the best for me. She would be angry with me all the time and utter abusing words about his family saying how little they are in front of ours. To add fuel to the fire our moms had exchange of bad words on phone scolding each other. So things got really worse and I lost all hope. I was so depressed for many days and somewhere in my heart I knew this is not gonna workout. May be I was too young and weak to think in a positive way to fight for him, as they also convinced me that its not gonna work with family approval.

    I also could not imagine hurting my mother and everyone else who were there with me all my life. Besides, I being an introvert person during that age did not have any belief in myself that I would have the courage to stand up for my love, when everyone is against me - it was too much to handle for me. Soon, I moved to a nearby city for my college, so I decided to talk to my lover that things are not gonna workout. I told him lets wrap this up as this will end up in a tragedy, and I can’t go through such a pain. Moreover I didn’t want to give him hopes and break his heart later again. Honestly we just spoke a few words, but he did not say anything positively. May be he was too sad about it, but I thought he also made up his mind to stop it. Although I wished for some nice words from him, it didnt happen. I was crying deep inside after the call. My friends helped me get over the pain, and things slowly changed.

    I got more involved in the college and friends and somehow I overcome the pain externally, not from within though. During the first year a college mate proposed me which I had rejected as my mind was still attached to him. I avoided eye contact with him and never spoke despite the fact that our classes were close by and we met very often. This continued for 2 years and later our friends interfered and we started talking and became good friends. He still had that affection for me. I too liked him but probably as just a friend. He was a popular guy liked by everyone in the college due to his friendly and witty character. He was okay with my past relationship and I also started thinking may be this is the one God has chosen for me.He had already talked to his mother and sister about me. Soon our mothers had a chat and she was excited about it. She was very much okay with this as we had same education levels and acceptable family reputation and stuff. Our relationship soon became official and accepted by both the families. All this in 3 months time.

    This is the time when my ex-lover sent me an email. Oh my God! I was into tears… He said he is now abroad and has a job he said he has been trying to get in touch me several times. His female friends had tried to call my mom asking my number but she wont give which I later checked with her she said yes. She wouldn’t give my number to anyone who called. He said he has a job now and quite independent and is now able to take his own decision on his own regarding marriage. He said he cant replace me from his heart until death. I don’t know what to do now. I didn’t think I still had the courage to tell this to my mom, who was very happy with my new affair. So I disappointed him again, saying that I am now in a relationship and family has accepted this already.With great pain inside, I asked him to forget me and move on ( I have regretted about this decision for the rest of my life…) 2 years later I finished studies moved to another state for my job. By this time my character has changed a lot and I’m not an introvert anymore. I was very bold may be because I am independent staying alone and on my own in far away place. I started feeling the regret of not standing up for my love. I now want to get in touch with my ex to tell him at least once to say I was never able to forget you and still love him and probably reunite.

    I searched and searched him on social media but there was no clue on his whereabouts. I started getting frustrated as my marriage was about to be fixed with my fiancee, I was literally confused. I now had the guts to fight with my mom and family and had made up my mind to marry my ex at any cost as I realized it was really the true love although I felt guilty of hurting my fiancee. I thought let me fix this now than never. Days after searching I found him!! it was on a different name. relationship status married! worst day of my life. :( I texted him in formal way and said congratulations and he congratulated me back on my wedding that was about to happen. I felt really guilty on how I dealt with it previously as now its too late and no going back. I felt like going back to the past and set everything straight again. Somehow I came to terms with the reality and realized there is no point in grieving. So I got married with my fiance months later.

    I moved abroad where my husband was working, now we are married for 5 years and have two beautiful boys. I truly love my husband , as he is a caring and loving person however memories about ex don’t just seem to go away.And you know what I met my ex in our local get together at this new place and I realized he is working here too. I realized he had left a huge void in my life.

    We met online, and I could not stop myself from saying him how much I loved him and how sorry I was about hurting him over the email and so on although the conversation started off very casually.He listened to me patiently and forgave me for my mistakes as he said it could be just a wrong decision taken due to my immaturity. We texted for 2 months but both decided to put an end to it as we both felt really guilty on hiding this from our spouses. He too has two children and a loving wife. Now the thoughts about him are so intense and I am literally not able to focus on anything. ;( I hope we both get over from this.. as we are simply wasting our quality time thinking and dreaming about something which is never gonna happen.. We sincerely hope we will be at least together in the next life as I don’t like to mess up with our current lives.

    Now I need an advise from you, how can I strengthen my current marriage as thoughts about ex still keep popping up and the heart still aches very badly (even leading to crying sometimes). I sometimes find this very silly, how foolish I am to still think about it when I have a million responsibilities. I can't figure out what the problem is. Has anyone been into such a situation and got over it? I have already tried a lot of things like finding new hobbies, getting invloved with communities but still I am not finding a permanent cure to my heart ache. It just keeps coming every now and then..
     
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  2. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    So simple, think like this -

    For example - What will you do if your husband caught in the similar situation?
    What advice you give to him & what would you expect him to do?
     
  3. dollysonpari

    dollysonpari Silver IL'ite

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    Im really sorry to know that u lost ur true love.. May be only you were true.. At some point Ur Ex was ready to move on in life and got married to someone else. I understand ur family situation which is really hard for you to fight for ur love which is not ur mistake. Your ex was not ready to wait for long .. Better you stop talking with him. U r really lucky enough that ur husband loves u truely and now have a beautiful family. JUst dont bring ur ex thoughts in mind which is not worth it. Else look for a right time to move out the city which u live in right now.Ask ur husband to change his job location to some other place if it will work for him as well.
     
    Ramyarc, zahra123 and SinghManisha like this.
  4. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You were not meant to be with your ex. So please do not spoil your marriage coveting something that wasn’t meant to be. Spend more time with your husband and try to look for his positives. Your two boys deserve a mother that loves and appreciates their wonderful father.
     
    yellowmango, samayal, shravs3 and 2 others like this.
  5. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow... the OP's long story (still not over) reminded me of several movie plots. But this one ain't over yet.
    Girls suffer this a lot more than boys. However, here is one palliative, if not a cure:
    • After a couple of babies, we must compare our own body with that we used to have at 15.
    • And assume that our first crush/love/besottee from when we were 15, had suffered the (male-gender) equivalent of the same. Double that, if you know him to be a beer drinker.
    • There are even aging simulation software to help you out. Perhaps even a smart phone app. Use the App on an old photo of the ex, and see for yourself.
    • Whenever thoughts of the ex pops up, compare your own toyboy at home, to the aged-one you'd lost.
    That ought to fix it for you.
     
    Ramyarc, Sunshine04, Sandyr46 and 2 others like this.
  6. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

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    This is not correct. As I mentioned when finally he got my contact details of my university (3rd year of graduation) and email id, he had written to me to say that he is now independent, has a job and ready to take up the matter with both families. I was the one who rejected it :( - citing my family's resistance and lack of courage and gave a hint about the new relationship which my family already approved. I even told him to forget me. I don't see any fault from his side - It was all mine(I literally broke his heart). But I never got peace and 3 years from that point, when I was working and was fully independent, I really had the courage and made up my mind to speak and go against my family or fight until we were one (with family's approval) or else remain single. This is when I decided to contact ex and found out that he was married 4 months ago. So we were really unlucky here regards to the time. After all why would he wait for me when I had told him to forget me - it should have been an initiative from my side anyway if we wanted to reunite.

    Last time I contacted my ex was 2 years back. The conversations happened in a span of 2 months which we had already decided to put an end.

    I fully agree. I never underestimate the current blessings that I have. It really makes my sad why can't I give my 100% to my dh when he is loving me fully. Moving out of the city is not possible.we both are working and kids also studying here. I also don't think it will even help. We never met again after that get-together so that is not the problem. Issue is mainly with the mind and the thoughts.
     
  7. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

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    Thank you SinghManisha. I accepted God's decision already and I know I lost my ex for some reason. Either I was too much rushing in my past to forget him or I didn't try or wait really enough. It also has to do with the maturity at that point and ability to take correct decisions. I really do not want to spoil my marriage at any cost, as if you read the title of this post I am only looking for strengthening it.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.
  8. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

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    Sorry, your suggestions don't apply or work for me. I didn't like him for his looks as you think. I loved him with all my heart, although I failed to convert into actions at some points. He still is a good and decent person whom i used to know. Never did he cross his line when we engaged in our conversations. He has always treated me with respect although I had broke his heart. I still love him truly and I don't think I can ever hate him.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
  9. zahra123

    zahra123 New IL'ite

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    I won't give him any advice and leave the decision completely to him. I will accept whatever he wants to do.
     
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like you are feeling guilty about rejecting him so many years back due to which you feel you lost ‘the one’. Regardless of whatever has happened in the past, it’s all done. You can’t change anything now. Right or wrong, you made your decisions depending on your situation, so did he n you both created your own life n families. You have no choice but to own those decisions. No point thinking about what could have been or why did it happen. It’s done.

    In this process I feel it’s emotional unfaithfulness to the spouse. If my spouse was still crying over his ex despite us having a happy / regular marriage, it may make me doubt my marriage n that something is missing / lost or may even question my worth in the marriage. N going by your words, I don’t think your dh deserves that.

    Your ex was the first one to get married. Generally guys wait even when gals say no, I know guys who only got married after their ex as they still hoped n waited. Why hurry, if he loved you that much, he could have atleast waited till you got married first, he moved on right after you said to forget about it.
    While your dh didn’t move on even after you rejected him during the first year n had stronger feelings to wait for you n speak to his family n get engaged, settle n get married. Your ex has clearly moved on n is focused on happy with his own family. Your family deserves to be happy too.

    Now, you both have decided to move on but you can’t get him out of your head.

    First of all, don’t try to forget about him or the relationship. Cherish it. It was your first love. Turn those tears to a smile when you think about it. So it’s still in your head but not in the wrong way,

    I can’t help but feel that something is amiss in your marriage which makes you long for your ex so badly. Many has Past relationships, it makes people happy, sad, curious, it’s normal to think about it now n then n have some feelings attached to it. But I don’t think it’s normal to be obsessed about it, cry over it, risk existing good life, shake partners confidence n love in you, is it really that worth it?

    If you have tried everything n still doesn’t work, maybe try a few counselling sessions. Or dig deep n find what’s amiss in your marriage that makes you long for your ex so badly.
    N decide what is it that you really want in your life.
     
    Sunshine04 and shravs3 like this.

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