Hi friends, I have been pondering over the past few days on some of the problems mentioned by IL'ites in other threads and how best to extricate themselves out of such situations. Some of it has been heart breaking and some thought provoking. Here are some random thoughts that have been in my mind this past week. I am penning them down so as to hear from others on this as well. Change has to come from within so when folks ask - how can I change this other person so that he/she can stop tormenting me, my thought is that you cannot really change that other person unless they want to change themselves. But here is the thing, even though I cannot change another person, but I can speak up and communicate my feelings to the other person. And then think over what steps I can take to enforce the consequences of that behavior happening again. But having said that, I also realize and understand, how hard it is for people (including me) to speak up EFFECTIVELY. We either become sad, hurt, angry and get caught up in dynamics which we cannot control and then lose the handle on communication. But if we do not communicate- how else will the other person know what is the right or wrong way to treat us. Often enough we hesitate taking any steps or talking about anything that makes us uncomfortable - because we have grown up with a notion that EVERYONE around us has to like us for us to be happy. But is that really true? Does not speaking up, not cause more side effects in our body and mind? In our priority list of people in our lives- where do we place ourselves? When a person ridicules or demeans or belittles us, and we bottle it up, what is the root cause of not speaking up? Do we ever ponder over why it is hard for us to raise our voices? I was reading an article this morning and found this nugget - "People who can’t speak up, or they’re being disrespected, or they can’t make decisions, or they can’t tell their boss ‘no this doesn’t work’, it comes from childhood. How we are trained in childhood, the culture of the ecosystem that we are raised in, and how we are treated when we try to speak up for ourselves, or when we even think we want to speak up for ourselves. Everything about that is within you now, unless you’ve done the work to revise it, and heal it, and change it. Being able to speak up effectively for yourself is entwined with our self-worth, self-confidence, esteem, bravery, boundaries, what you learned as a child and in your family, what you experienced when you did speak up, and much more." Upon reflection, this seems to be so true from my personal perspective, my own childhood - where I was asked to step aside, give up, be quiet, take harassment (remember the sexual harassment prevalent on the streets, buses, everywhere) quietly - with the underlying theme that this is what "good girls" do. Implying that any one who speaks up, goes against the general view or tries to tell people this is acceptable/unacceptable, is assertive - is doing a "bad" thing. No wonder it was so hard to defend myself and find my own voice when I needed it. When you are groomed as a woman to become a people pleaser and adjust, somewhere the voice of reason and fairness goes to sleep. And it is a devastating cycle. A person who could not speak up to defend herself- passes that same advice to her own daughter. I don't blame her, she is passing on what she knows and the only thing that helped her survive. But is survival the same thing as living? And that I think is where our personal growth as human beings matters. There comes a point where you have to stand up for yourself and think independently. Not what your friends, family, society pressures you to do- but what does the real you think critically of a particular situation. What is your individual opinion? I think as we self reflect, we can gain more insight on our own behavior and how or why we might unconsciously be enabling these toxic dynamics. Any thoughts are most welcome. With much love, Aarushi
Well said, @Aarushi. Nobody can challenge your practical first-hand experience. The crossover from the ingrained values to the newly acquired values (llke self-worth, self-esteem and self-care) is the toughest phase, I guess. Presence of children, fear of the society's barbs and lack of finances become the impediments in the next round.
Fantastic writeup and perspective. Our childhood experiences are the basement of our personality. It is applicable to everyone. So naturally it varies from person to person then the conflict arises. We are acting unnatural sometimes for the sake of the society and the family image etc. As GeetaKashyap rightly said the newly acquired values, our previous generation did not emphasize self respect and self esteem. They used to obey to their parents what they said. But now the kids are thinking on their own and taking own decisions even at very young age.Especially the teenagers give the toughest time. This tranformation will take time to get deep rooted . Especially I like your words unless the other person wants to change, whatever be the efforts the change won`t happen. My 2 cents.
Variations on the advice "Live to Fight Another Day" are collected up in this page: Live To Fight Another Day [if link doesnt work, google "live to fight another day images"]
You are so very right. It is like the pain associated with the transformation of a butterfly from pupa. You will evolve into a higher self but first you have to find yourself, the one you lost behind the opinion and thoughts of others.❤️
A right word or phrase uttered at the right moment with right people in the right place is said to yield enormous dividends later if not then. Just pondering over this statement, one would be able to visualise the beneficiaries. Thanks and Regards.
