How To Say 'no' Politely?

anivijay · Jun 12, 2017

Hello Friends,
I am in a terrible situation. Please help me find a solution.

A long story..

This family moved to our city 4 months back. The guy was working in my husband's team. They have a daughter who started going to same school where my kids are going. I was happy because finally we had a family nearby. We invited them for dinner 2 times and met them at a party once. Me and the lady spoke to each other and I felt , ok finally I have a companion.

We went for vacation and came back after 3 weeks. When I went to pick up kids, I saw this guy and he said, his wife has gone back to India as her father was ill. I offered that I would pick up his daughter and he could pick up from my house. He told even he was planning to ask for that. I said OK. I thought this is the arrangement for 1 or 2 weeks. Another thing is my husband got a transfer to different city now and he is visiting us only on week ends. So, me and kids are staying alone.

Now the problem is, it's been 9 weeks now. There is no sign of that lady coming back. Her father passed away a month back. If I ask the kid , when your mother is coming, she is telling she would come only after she settled down her nanny, may be in december . She told my daughter, that her mother is planning to do some studies and come back only after she completes. If I ask that guy, he has been telling "I dont know when she is coming. I have to ask today".

In these last 9 weeks, there was 1 week term holiday and everyday he dropped her at our house in morning and picked up only in night. He didn't even ask me whether It's ok for me or not. And there is summer holidays coming in another 4 weeks and I think he is planning to do the same. He is acting like it's my duty to take care of the kid.

Somedays he is coming at 6.30,some times 7 and sometimes even at 9 to pick her up. It's like I am living according to his schedule. Say I am planning to go to grocery shopping at 6, he would come at 8 so I couldn't go.

As my husband is not at home, I feel extremely uncomfortable this guy coming at odd times. With that kid, I feel I have no privacy with my kids. We would love to go to library or park or shopping But I could not manage 3 kids and because of this kid, we could not go anywhere.I mean, it's ok for 1 week or 2 weeks . We could adjust. 9 weeks is just too much and no sign for this to end.

How can I say no, without hurting so much? There is a afterschool club available in school. It's not like there is no alternative. There are other families living around. why only us? I feel like they are taking us for granted. When I was working , I never send my kids to any friend's houses. We used to pay and send them to holiday club or day care centers. And I am trying for job now, and once I get it, we cant go out in evenings. Now we can and I don't want to miss that because of this kid.

Once I told him , my kids have some class at 6 and ask him to come at 5.30. This guy didnt trun around until 6.15. I really don't know what he is thinking.

Please suggest me something to end this.

Thanks
Anitha

BhumiBabe · Jun 12, 2017

Next time, this guy comes around, let him know that you have some commitments, and won't be able to take care of this child (give specific days). Suggest some daycares or people that he might be able to contact for childcare. Now, if he can take the hint, and figures out his childcare situation, then you don't have to do anything more. Now, if that DOESN'T work... you have to let him know that you've started a afterschool care service, and let him know that you are charging for taking care of his child. Now see if he takes advantage of your care again.

silento · Jun 12, 2017

This seems so unfair to you, its appalling how people take niceties for granted . Have you talked to your husband about this? What is his take? Can your husband talk to this guy over the weekend and set things straight? Or you can join your husband and talk to the guy ? Ask directly It has been 9 weeks already and what is his long term plan for childcare?

Few suggestions that you can try:

1) Say firmly and politely, that your kids have classes at 5:00 everyday and you have to leave at 4:30/4:45. What should you do with his kid?

2) say that your family plans on taking 3 weeks vacation (date undecided) and so it would be better if he can start looking for daycare arrangements for that time.

3) You and kids plan to visit your husbands city and stay there for few weeks (date undecided) . So he will have to start looking for daycare arangements.

4) You need to study in the evening for your interviews and need some quiet time to prepare.

ashneys · Jun 12, 2017

Your words points that he has indeed taken you easy and for granted. He does not respect your time or your help. Your kind gesture has been turned into a chore n a burden now.

Reading your words, he is not going to take the "polite" hint if you convey indirectly. Or he will choose to just ignore it bcoz recognising it means inconvenience for him.

Him dropping the kid during holidays and picking up any time he wants even after you telling to pick at a particular time, shows he doesn't respect your space or time. He's jus thinking, how is one more going to be of inconvenience to you, she can manage.

You either have to directly say you can't do it anymore. Be blunt. Taking care of another's kid is no joke.

Or Send him a msg saying, that taking care of his daughter for sooo long has given you the confidence to run a day care service. And that you are going to trial run It and his daughter is the first child. Send him a charge card, make sure it's higher than your neighbourhood rate (if he asks, say it's premium rate for the attention), convey pick up charges, hourly rates, night fee (after 5 pm), holiday charges, meal charges, cleaning charges and add whatever may apply, but break each item and put a price tag. Also say it's pay first, so the next day he comes to drop/ pick his kid, he should pay in cash or you won't be able to accommodate the next day.

People this shameless to everything else, will always understand the language when it comes to money.

yellowmango · Jun 12, 2017

OP why are you worried about not hurting such shameless people?
Why are you being such a sucker here?

Do you have the guys phone number. Call him up and tell him it has been 9 weeks and you are no longer available to baby sit.Please make some other arrangement.

Are you so stupid op....taking responsibility of a kid with such pare ts. Tommorow God forbid if something happens to the kid,they will at your throat blaming you.

Does your husband have no objection to this?
You have two of your own kids to take care of and you are being unfair to them.

Pick up the phone and tell him ...or message him that this is the last day and he should find someone else.

If you still are uncomfortable...just tell him your husband is not comfortable with this arrangement and he should find some other arrangement.

Vedhavalli · Jun 12, 2017

Omg....it's too much.
He is taking advantage of your kindness.
Tell him clear cut it's been 9 weeks.
What has he thought about kid arrangements.
Tell him as suggested by others
Unplanned vacation and day care.
I know how much it irritates and spoil your daily routines.
Please talk to him asap. It's going beyond the limits.
After schools and day cares are best for him. Tell him clearly.

sokanasanah · Jun 12, 2017

Anitha, just tell him the truth. Something like the following: "Could you make some other arrangements for your daughter's after-school care? Taking care of one's own child is one thing, but being responsible for someone else's child weighs rather heavily on my mind, especially now that my husband is away so much! She's a sweet little thing, but I feel a great pressure. I can't handle the responsibility."

Or ask your husband to do it. He can communicate by e-mail since he is out of town, and play the protective man of the house.

This is exactly what I would feel. I freaked out even when I was taking adult phoren friends (well-traveled ones, mind you!) on a tour of India, so I can relate. Someone else's child is a great responsibility, not to be taken lightly.

Don't explain too much - explanations invite 'solutions' and 'alternatives' and discussions about how this could really be made to work. Simply say that it weighs heavily on your mind.

Elsa · Jun 12, 2017

Please do not worry too much about how he is going to take it if you tell him that you cannot take care of his kids anymore. To start with, Tell him that you have an appointment the next day, or that you have enrolled yourself into some classes or courses etc and you might be away for a few hours during the holidays and that you have planned something similar for your kids as well. Tell him that he should make alternate arrangements for his kids.

On a different note, have you or him talked about who would be responsible if something happens to his kids accidentally?

Lithika · Jun 13, 2017

anivijay said: ↑

Hello Friends,
I am in a terrible situation. Please help me find a solution.

A long story..

This family moved to our city 4 months back. The guy was working in my husband's team. They have a daughter who started going to same school where my kids are going. I was happy because finally we had a family nearby. We invited them for dinner 2 times and met them at a party once. Me and the lady spoke to each other and I felt , ok finally I have a companion.

We went for vacation and came back after 3 weeks. When I went to pick up kids, I saw this guy and he said, his wife has gone back to India as her father was ill. I offered that I would pick up his daughter and he could pick up from my house. He told even he was planning to ask for that. I said OK. I thought this is the arrangement for 1 or 2 weeks. Another thing is my husband got a transfer to different city now and he is visiting us only on week ends. So, me and kids are staying alone.

Now the problem is, it's been 9 weeks now. There is no sign of that lady coming back. Her father passed away a month back. If I ask the kid , when your mother is coming, she is telling she would come only after she settled down her nanny, may be in december . She told my daughter, that her mother is planning to do some studies and come back only after she completes. If I ask that guy, he has been telling "I dont know when she is coming. I have to ask today".

In these last 9 weeks, there was 1 week term holiday and everyday he dropped her at our house in morning and picked up only in night. He didn't even ask me whether It's ok for me or not. And there is summer holidays coming in another 4 weeks and I think he is planning to do the same. He is acting like it's my duty to take care of the kid.

Somedays he is coming at 6.30,some times 7 and sometimes even at 9 to pick her up. It's like I am living according to his schedule. Say I am planning to go to grocery shopping at 6, he would come at 8 so I couldn't go.

As my husband is not at home, I feel extremely uncomfortable this guy coming at odd times. With that kid, I feel I have no privacy with my kids. We would love to go to library or park or shopping But I could not manage 3 kids and because of this kid, we could not go anywhere.I mean, it's ok for 1 week or 2 weeks . We could adjust. 9 weeks is just too much and no sign for this to end.

How can I say no, without hurting so much? There is a afterschool club available in school. It's not like there is no alternative. There are other families living around. why only us? I feel like they are taking us for granted. When I was working , I never send my kids to any friend's houses. We used to pay and send them to holiday club or day care centers. And I am trying for job now, and once I get it, we cant go out in evenings. Now we can and I don't want to miss that because of this kid.

Once I told him , my kids have some class at 6 and ask him to come at 5.30. This guy didnt trun around until 6.15. I really don't know what he is thinking.

Please suggest me something to end this.

Thanks
Anitha
Click to expand...

Hi

You are doing a great help and ppl should knw to respect it... you don't even want to hurt that person but he is trying to use your patience n time....

Whenever he comes to pick the kid just say that you are having other commitments tmw and even then if he comes to drop his kid just say it face to face that he can leave his kid in day care...These type of ppl has to be treated lk this...Be bold to say "NO"depending on the ppl and situation

anivijay · Jun 13, 2017

Friends,

Thanks for all your suggestions. This is what happend today.

I asked the kid again today when her mother is coming. She replied clearly that mom got commitments and will come only after december. This guy came around 6.45pm. I told him, my kids have swimming lessons for tomorrow and day after tomorrow and this will happen every week. He asked her kid, do you want to join swimming as well. I had to stop him saying that they would be at different levels. Then He said ok I will pick her up from school. I said, I feel bad I couldn't tell him in advance. He said, that's fine. my office is flexible I could come early when ever you go out. (If office is flexible, why are you not coming at 5 or 5.30 to pick up ur daughter?

I told, I heard your wife is coming only in december. He replied, no no, if she comes in december, I have to put my papers and go back. I said, you could even check in afterschool club at school. He said he was worried whether it would be good or not. I said it is very good. even my kids went there when I was working. My kids also said, it is good. they have tv, play area and other stuff. That girl seemed bit upset.

I think I gave the clear hint. If they don't get it, I would ask husband to talk to him when he comes next week.

Thanks for your suggestions.