How to say ‘NO’ because You have a bigger "YES" inside You

Today a situation caused me to reflect back on my relationships, my friendships, from my past. I started to see more clearly how some people had often borrowed money that never got paid back. How they got more comfortable with asking and more comfortable with calling it “can I have” instead of “can I borrow”, but why blame them, I kept letting it slide and not speaking up. In actuality we should not have to ask for what is owed to us, but the sad fact is sometimes we have to, if we ever want to have it back again. It isn’t just money either. Sometimes it‘s my time or feelings that are taken for granted.

It was in my previous article “Empowering women to aspire fearlessly - Part II” that I had mentioned, it is we who teach people how to treat us. We don’t exactly teach someone to rob or assault us. But in many cases, it’s true. Those people, who kept getting more and more comfortable with taking advantage of me, were being taught by my actions or (my supposedly) inactions, that they could treat me that way and that I would still allow it. Maybe they even thought I was stupid that I didn’t see what they were doing. I did see it. But, I just kept waiting and hoping they would change. Maybe I was afraid that calling them on their actions would make them walk out of my life. But now as I reflect…. so what? What loss, would that have, really been to me? None! Anyone who is in your life simply for what they can gain from you, they ought to choose the highway.

So this person who brought this all back to me today…. was someone who has taken and taken from me and given very little in return. This person avoided me like plague when I was in an emergency. I forgave her but I realized that in the face of any hardships, she won’t be there for me. In light of that, it took her some nerve to ask me for something at a time when she knew I was finding life tough myself. Now I belong to the old school, and believe in giving of you even when you’re hurting or going through changes and strife. Saying ‘NO’ for women is associated with not being collaborative, not wanting to help and support, not being there for them, not considering what others want as important. There is also a fear that it may be seen as being abrupt, aggressive, offensive, selfish, self-centered, too forthright and maybe even rejecting. In other words, saying ‘NO’ is not being "nice". It goes against the grain of everything we have been "brought up" to believe, that is, the way a woman should be.

Many of us as women feel guilt around saying ‘NO’ to people. Often we agree to things that leave us in a bad mood or feeling upset because we really didn’t want to give this thing of ourselves. Women who can't/don't say ‘NO’ can become irritable, intolerant, abrupt and demonstrate little patience. They are pouring out so much of themselves for others that they are running on empty themselves. However, they also become everything they don't want to be. They become overwhelmed with all the responsibilities they have accepted. They can become quite stressed. When we focus on that ability (or inability) it doesn't do us justice, as women. It raises the question that if we can't even say ‘NO’, how could we make the hard decisions that women need to make to lead and manage an organisation or a family.

Sounds familiar?

I remember talking to a friend who was trying to be everything for her colleagues that it sounded like she was being treated like a doormat. ‘NO’, she said, "not a doormat. I'm wall to wall carpet".

But I also believe I am worth something and I believe that I have to look out for myself too. So when I politely declined this person’s request, I was proud of myself for once, that I said ‘No’.

I feel I grew a little because saying ‘NO’ was ok and I didn’t feel the need to say I was sorry for looking after myself.

It feels a lot better not to be someone’s doormat than to save their feelings at the cost of my own.

Sometimes the people who are doing the asking don’t even realize it bothers us. Other times they sense it, but because we place their needs above our own, so do they! So if someone isn’t respecting you or your feelings or your time, stop and look at what message you are sending them. Honor yourself and the people who matter will honor you as well.

If we, as women, can come to understand that we need to say ‘NO’ to some things, so that we have time and energy for the most important things in our lives, then we can feel quite empowered saying ‘NO’.

Saying ‘NO’ is not just about being assertive, it is about discovering what is most important in your life, what you value, what you want to give your time and energy to.

Then you say "YES" to what is truly important to you, what you are passionate about and committed to, what will make you feel empowered - either as a mother, wife, leader, manager, business woman or CEO.