How To React To A Friendly Neighbour

paru123 · May 1, 2017

Hi all,
Need your suggestions to my problem. I stay abroad with hardly any relatives in my country. Dh is a very strange stone hearted person who never communicates with me properly. Only if he needs my help, he would talk. Have a 2.5 year old daughter with whom also he talks nicely if his mood is good. Otherwise he just ignores our presence in the house. He has odd working timings so we do not complain much. Anyway s that is not the problem here.

Dh behaves entirely different with his colleagues and friends. He is very good to them, helps them with money or presence when required. He never introduces us to them. Basically he lives like a batchelor with no responsibilities. He gives me money to run the household and placed no restrictions on the amount spent unless its a big unwanted expense which I usually don't do. He is not a very rich man and has a limited salary.

Recently one of his friend family moved to our building, and in the same floor based on his recommendation as they were hunting for a flat for quite some time. Now this friend and dh are very good friends. His wife is also a good lady, they don't have kids. When they were new, dh helped them in taking them out to buy furniture and other stuff that they required. They don't have car, so dh took the initiative in taking them out. His wife used to call me also as she was bored to sit with the guys. I enjoyed all those moments bcos dh would never take us out. We got a chance to roam bcos of them.

Now we ladies became good friends. And I used to take her out to all the nearby areas for shopping as she did not know the area well. I also enjoyed it as basically I too longed to go out like that. Before these couple came to stay in our building, me n my dd used to go to parks in the evenings almost all the days. So it was a change for us.

My dh and her dh work timings don't match. So if my dh is at home, her dh is at work. They have shift duties and the off days keep changing every week. She has lots of relatives here who orgnise many parties and get together on weekends. Most of the functions are kept considering her husband's off days so that even he can participate. So basically they are always engaged on all days except for 2 days in a week when her husband would be having day duty and she would be free the entire afternoon. Its on these days that she calls me for outing that too in the evening. Those days my dh would have off but he would not take us out anywhere.

My problem is I always accompany her when she is alone. As such when her Hus has off , they go out walking or meeting friends unlike my husband. But I feel very lonely and left out when my dh has day shifts. If at all I call her out on other days she would be busy as she cooks just before the meal time. She can't make time for me, only when her dh is not there she would call me out. It looks like I am always available for her but no one is there for me when I am alone.

She knows my schedules and my dh nature very well. So I cant make excuses to not go with her. I enjoy thoroughly when I accompany her but the next time when I am alone with dd at house it gives me a Big low feeling. I feel like I am being used. She would be visiting relatives or functions during those days.

Never had this problem before, as me and dd would be in park evening time. So the feeling of being lonely never occurred. But now after accompanying her when she is lonely, the feeling of how unlucky I am, runs through my mind always.

She knows me in and out now, so can't lie as also she stays next door. Also I feel that if I reject her invite to go out, she will be very badly hurt as she is a sensitive person.

How to deal with this. Should I stop going out with her so that my feelings remain same all days.

May seem like a silly issue, but this has been haunting me for some time now. I can't expect any change in my husband. So any advises related to my dh is irrelevant.

DDream · May 1, 2017

OP,
if you are emotionally so much connected to the new neighbor it is not a good sign. It is not better to depend on like this. Good that you realised it else you won't be posting here.

You have to learn from her. Her life is her priority. She do whatever she wants to do and if time is there she go out with you . Same way you should stick to your schedule. For example if you and kid goes to park every day do that. If she request you to go out during that don't go.. you go with her only when you are done with your normal chores.. just say your kid like to go to park if not she complain as she cant play or don't sleep early some excuse..

You said she will call you when her dh is not there. Same way you go only when your dh is not with you. when your dh is there don't go. Don't feel that no one is there with you when you are alone, your kid is there enjoy it or find some hobbies or activities you enjoy..

You need to give importance to your life/ pricacy, if you have free time enjoy that time with your new friend. Or if she available you can ask her to come with you and kid to the park. Did you ever try that. That way you will have both. Stick to your daily schedule unless emergency occurs.

Never ever link your happiness to anyone whether it is your dh or new neighbor or some one else. You should be happy with yourself and your happiness is in your hands.
Be happy and positive..

Elsa · May 1, 2017

OP, I would suggest you not to make someone else other than you. the reason for your sadness or happiness.Not your friends, neighbors and not even your husband.

If you cannot drive a car yet, take driving classes (if your husband doesn't want to teach you or if you would like to leave your kid with your husband when you are taking driving classes). That way, you don't have to depend on your husband or a neighbor to go out. Once your kid starts going to daycare, you could enroll yourself into some classes or activities, like gym, volunteering etc.

I do not see anything wrong with your neighbor. She knows her priorities well. If anything, I see that your husband is not doing what he is supposed to be doing. It's his responsibility to see to it that you do not get bored. Moreover, you already know that your neighbor and her husband like to spend time with each other. And remember they do not even have a baby. They might be trying to have a baby or they simply like spending time with each other. Also, do not let her use you when she needs you and then leave you when she has enough company (i.e. Spending time with family doesn't sound wrong to me though). If you do not want to go out with her, or visit her when she invites you, let her know. You could use your kid as an excuse. You could tell her that your kid wants to play in the park with the other kids or tell her that you would like to take her out for a walk so that she/he could get some exercise. Just like she is using her husband or some relative as a excuse (or may be she genuinely prefers family over friends), you could use your kid as a excuse for not entertaining her requests.

sindmani · May 1, 2017

Op. I understand your feelings. Can you work on with your husband like involving him in family outingsof only you three etc. Please do that. All the best.

Sunshine04 · May 1, 2017

My husband was like this before.
Don't depend on her too much.
Do maintain her friendship though

Vedhavalli · May 1, 2017

Hi friend,
I know how it feels... She is actually using you, to pass her boredom when her friends,family / DH not around.
You stick to your routine, daily take your daughter to park, other day library.
Slowly retard from her. She is not friendly... Neighbors aren't Friends some may be but not her type.
Tell you have to do dishes, cook full meals, iron dress..Teach DD something...
Some can't lie on face...You are the other one. So now a days I started replying by text

ashneys · May 1, 2017

Hi, I understand y u r feeling all dat mixed emotions.

First, ur neighbor is not bein a user. I have lived in many different places, n I can tell u dats how most ppl behave wen they r socially active n hav their priorities in order. She's a normal wife whos first priority is her hubby, den her family, den her friends. N dat is d rite order.

U can't b expecting her to take u along every time she goes to her family functions or friends getogethers.

It's nice of her dat she's trying to spend time with u wenever she is able to. U shud enjoy dat time.

U r feeling all dis bcoz u r comparing n wondering y u r goin thru this wer in she's enjoyin.

Two things u can try here..

First, try to change ur hubby's behaviour abt dis n start a slow change n go out n invite ppl home.

Second, u take charge n start becoming active socially. Meet new ppl, join new classes, find online forums for ur area, moms groups, try to meet atleast 2 new ppl in a week. Say hi, n generally talk.
My friend who was in d same situation as u, after 5 yrs of marriage, she got sick of d loneliness n went out on her own, met her neighbors, joined a sport n started forming friends on her own. N now she's sooo busy n happy.

Clearly u r craving for a social life dats y u r feeling down n low wen u r at home alone. So avoiding ur friend n goin bak to d routine is gona make u miserable. Understand dat ur daughter also needs d social life, it's important for ur kid as well as u. So stop blaming anyone or anythng n u make d change n make ur life happy.

deepthyanoop · May 1, 2017

paru123 said: ↑

Hi all,
Need your suggestions to my problem. I stay abroad with hardly any relatives in my country. Dh is a very strange stone hearted person who never communicates with me properly. Only if he needs my help, he would talk. Have a 2.5 year old daughter with whom also he talks nicely if his mood is good. Otherwise he just ignores our presence in the house. He has odd working timings so we do not complain much. Anyway s that is not the problem here.

Dh behaves entirely different with his colleagues and friends. He is very good to them, helps them with money or presence when required. He never introduces us to them. Basically he lives like a batchelor with no responsibilities. He gives me money to run the household and placed no restrictions on the amount spent unless its a big unwanted expense which I usually don't do. He is not a very rich man and has a limited salary.

Recently one of his friend family moved to our building, and in the same floor based on his recommendation as they were hunting for a flat for quite some time. Now this friend and dh are very good friends. His wife is also a good lady, they don't have kids. When they were new, dh helped them in taking them out to buy furniture and other stuff that they required. They don't have car, so dh took the initiative in taking them out. His wife used to call me also as she was bored to sit with the guys. I enjoyed all those moments bcos dh would never take us out. We got a chance to roam bcos of them.

Now we ladies became good friends. And I used to take her out to all the nearby areas for shopping as she did not know the area well. I also enjoyed it as basically I too longed to go out like that. Before these couple came to stay in our building, me n my dd used to go to parks in the evenings almost all the days. So it was a change for us.

My dh and her dh work timings don't match. So if my dh is at home, her dh is at work. They have shift duties and the off days keep changing every week. She has lots of relatives here who orgnise many parties and get together on weekends. Most of the functions are kept considering her husband's off days so that even he can participate. So basically they are always engaged on all days except for 2 days in a week when her husband would be having day duty and she would be free the entire afternoon. Its on these days that she calls me for outing that too in the evening. Those days my dh would have off but he would not take us out anywhere.

My problem is I always accompany her when she is alone. As such when her Hus has off , they go out walking or meeting friends unlike my husband. But I feel very lonely and left out when my dh has day shifts. If at all I call her out on other days she would be busy as she cooks just before the meal time. She can't make time for me, only when her dh is not there she would call me out. It looks like I am always available for her but no one is there for me when I am alone.

She knows my schedules and my dh nature very well. So I cant make excuses to not go with her. I enjoy thoroughly when I accompany her but the next time when I am alone with dd at house it gives me a Big low feeling. I feel like I am being used. She would be visiting relatives or functions during those days.

Never had this problem before, as me and dd would be in park evening time. So the feeling of being lonely never occurred. But now after accompanying her when she is lonely, the feeling of how unlucky I am, runs through my mind always.

She knows me in and out now, so can't lie as also she stays next door. Also I feel that if I reject her invite to go out, she will be very badly hurt as she is a sensitive person.

How to deal with this. Should I stop going out with her so that my feelings remain same all days.

May seem like a silly issue, but this has been haunting me for some time now. I can't expect any change in my husband. So any advises related to my dh is irrelevant.
Click to expand...

With the description you gave about your neighbour, I don't feel she is using you. You are also enjoying the time with her,right??The problem here is she is always not available whenever you feel lonely...... If this hurts you soo much you also act busy sometimes.. say any excuses like busy with the kid or pending cleaning work.

But honestly I feel she seems like a good friend. By your post,she is not using you for any of her work and not acting like she is entitled to your services. She is seeking your company whenever she is free...Anyway this is my opinion.. You are the best judge of your situation...

yellowmango · May 1, 2017

Op...if you enjoy her company,then just have fun when you can.
Don't have an ego issue here. Happiness is like Laxmi....let it come in your life whenever there is a chance.

Your friend is a happy balanced person with right priorities.
Such friends are hard to come by.Enjoy her friendship.

Don't compare your life with others ...it only brings dissatisfaction.Moreover grass is always greener on the other side.
Your life is different.You try to find your happiness around your life.

paru123 · May 1, 2017

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

Ddream,
Yes I took her out once to the nearby park. She expressed displeasure the next time I called her. She said she didn't like it. She is going through infertility treatment so I thought may be the sight of kids and babies are irritating her. Hence I never bothered again to invite her to park.

She is not at all a bad person. Its my inability to refuse her invites to go walking that bothers me. Once bcos of my toddlersntantrums i was not in a mood to go out. She was very much bored that day and next day her husband texting my dh as whether the ladies had a fight that they didnt go out. His wife looks depressed so he just wanted to know. I realised that day the feelings of boredem is the same with her too when dh has day shift. But she never thinks that way. Obviously may be bcos I have a toddler, she thinks I would not be bored. However, the existence of an uncop-operative husband for me negates that.

Anyways I am going to prioritise my life(like her) and then if time exists think about removing her boredem.