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How To Manage Such Mother In Law?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mysteriousone, Nov 1, 2017.

  1. mysteriousone

    mysteriousone New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am 23 years old and am newly married, just two months into my marriage. My mother-in-law is a manipulative lady. From my engagement time, she used to call me and ask me as to how I will tackle the realities of life, how prepared I am to face this marriage and other responsibilities. For her, everything needs to be done the way she wants it. I am a working woman and leave for work at 8 in the morning and the time I go to bed is 11-12 in the night. My work takes up most of my time and I come home from work only at 10 in the night. After wedding, she called me everyday and started asking me as to what I cooked, if the maid came, etc. She does not live with us but calls every day to know as to what work I did. She wants me to cook full meals in the morning and take it with me despite her knowing my schedule. Whenever I fall ill and come to my parent's house, she thinks it's because of the household work that I am leaving. Also she comes up with some random excuses to make me stay at home during weekends and tries her level best to keep me away from my parents. She did not let me stay at my parent's place for diwali and made me leave. My mother's scared of her and asked me to leave because she did not want it to become a big problem. This she did not do it but instead made my husband do it. She came up with some random excuse of food lying waste in her house even though she knew that it is custom for newly weds to stay at my parent's place. Also that evening, she did not let us go for dinner with my parents, because she made a lot of rice. When I confronted my husband, he said he did not let me stay at my parent's place for diwali because I go there every weekend. When I fought, he agreed that for diwali the two of us should have stayed till dinner. Once when I fell seriously ill and became aneamic, she called my mother and told her that I keep falling ill because I miss my parents. Also she asked my mother to come to our place and take care of me because it's not feasible for me to go to my parent's house. My sister, grand mother and father are dependent on my mother, yet my mom-in-law refused to understand this. Whenever I come to meet my parents, she calls it not feasible. Also she pesters me to quit my job. She lets her husband, her parents, daughter and my husband to do her dirty work. Recently, I fell ill again and the doctor has advised me complete rest. My husband was present during the medical examination and knows about my condition. The doctor has advised me 6 month's rest and said I can go back to cooking after my health improves. I was very close to getting hospitalized. But mother-in-law refused to believe it. She asked me if I can ask permission in my office to come late so that I can cook and pack something to eat even though my husband wants to arrange a cook. Till date, I had completely ignored her and her tantrums. But when she suggested this, I was so irritated that I told her that I'd be staying at my parent's place for 2 months if nothing works out to take care of my health. For this she gave her standard reply of my choice not being feasible and as to who will take care of her son. I told her that my husband can stay with me at my parent's place till I get better. She did not know what to say and started scolding my husband. My husband is a good guy but when his mother pressurizes him, he does whatever she tells him to do. She manipulates everyone and lies to get me to do whatever she tells. I don't know what she will do to me after I spoke to her like this. Please help me tackle all possible cases as to what she might do. Also I really don't know what she will make my husband do. My mother is worried that she might separate us. She has irritated me a lot and I have contemplated divorce a number of times due to this lady. Personally, I don't have any problems with my husband. But when she makes my husband do what she wants and gets him to insult me, I start hating him and think about divorce. What my husband says initially is his true reply and he is also very reasonable. But after that, he never does what he says because my mother-in-law would interfere and stop him from doing it. I really don't know what to do. Kindly help. Even though she does not live with me, she's made my life miserable. She does not give us the space that newly married couples require and calls me only to give work. When I tell my husband that I'll talk to her later, he refuses to let me go because his mother wanted to talk to me immediately and makes me talk with her even when I am tired
     
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  2. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    you havent mentioned whether you ,MIL and your parents stay in one city ? I think the best solution to your problem is say yes to her every wish /command and do what you feel like doing. Just agree with her and then forget it. Its a very good thing that you are not staying with her under one roof.Imagine how miserable you would be then. Dont cook and say that you did. Always pick up her call and mid way your conversation,make some excuse like someone is ringing the door bell, guests have come etc etc and disconnect the call. take care of your health.Be a little cunning in dealing with this lady.
     
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  3. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Op,

    Take care of your health (health is wealth), have good food and peaceful sleep. My dad & in laws say "Marriage requires a lot of adjustments and love from both husband and wife" Divorce or quarreling or fighting is not the solution....

    Same like you I and my Dh leave home around 7:30 a.m. and return home any time between 9:30 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. travel time is 4 hrs per day Saturday we have half day.

    I am sharing how we follow our daily schedule past 4 years.


    Weekday schedule (Get up at 6:00 a.m. and go to sleep by 12:00 a.m.)

    1. Go for easy to home cooked simple food husband help in chopping veggies, cleaning work (Maid is hired only for Sunday for flooring and sweeping).

    2. Prepare the entire food at night and carry the same next day in office. Keep it simple (boiled veggie and one curry with roti or rice) for boiling use pressure cooker, roti we purchase.

    3. Morning breakfast go for bread or cornflakes, fruits or green tea, boiled eggs (easy to prepare and healthy) done by Dh.

    Weekend schedule (Saturday Get up at 6:30 a.m. and sleep by 11:00 p.m.), Sunday (Get up at 9:00 a.m. and sleep at 11:00 p.m.):

    4. Weekends do house cleaning (laundry, dusting, sweeping, toilet cleaning, bank work, weekly shopping, etc) but since my dad stays with us (prepare some simple lunch) and me and husband prefer for outside food (breakfast and lunch).

    5. Visit or hang out with friends and family (both sides), spend some me time and some time with husband, speak with in laws and sometimes visit them too, whenever they are outside speak with them casually and enquire about their health.

    6. This is our weekly menu chart and month end or start of the month we bring prepare a list for monthly requirements (Pulses, masala, butter, rice, soaps, etc).

    7. When not in good health the other partner does both the duties (we don't bother in laws or parents or relatives for our daily work), and the one who is sick take rest and medicine and food or get hospitalized.

    8. When both of us are not well or at times we work for longer hours we order outside food, sometimes my MIL also prepares her any special prepared food item and we enjoy.

    For your case:

    1. Speak with your MIL daily (in your husbands presence), put the phone on speaker always.

    2. After sometime tell her and your husband you are busy in preparing food that way you can always reduce the time of your conversation.

    3. If she is giving you any work, please pass on that work to your Dh to do.

    4. Don't be rude or disrespect towards her (this will bug up your husband)
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2017
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  4. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    @mysteriousone Please never think of divorcing a good husband keeping in-laws as reason.

    this problem with MIL will never change.. she is gonna be the same until the very end.. I suggest you to ignore her.. I was about to tell the same what @Deborah suggested.. since she's the one calling you, you can't escape the calls.. but you can ignore what she says, tell her an "ok" on phone call, but don't do it.. when she asks you the next day, if you did what she asked for, tell "yes" even if you didn't do it, or put the blame on your husband.. since your husband is understanding, you can easily change your husband..

    I remember a member of IL giving advice to another member with similar problem, whose MIL was literally taking with her for half a day on phone and spoiling her peace of mind everyday, "attend the call, put it on speaker, go and do your work, never bother to reply much, just tell her an "ok","yes","i think so" if required.. I suggest not to give a negative response which will definitely go to your husband's ear.. just bluntly give her a short response.. if you are going to do this, don't speak when your husband is around..

    when husband is around speak with her well, also put the phone on speaker, but never tell her that her voice is too loud and others can hear her.. she will not have a clue and harass and bully you as normal ways, but your husband is listening this time.. if something she said is hurting you, don't fight or reason or argue with your husband over that, but let him know that it hurt you.. since he also listened to the call, he will have an idea of how you felt, even if he didn't support you (bcos that will never happen in million years, men always support their parents & siblings until or unless they realise we are the only family they have got)
     
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  5. AAPriya

    AAPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Here's my two cents - she knows that you are a little afraid of her and she's using that as a stick. She also knows your mother is scared of her. That's why she thinks it is okay to call up your mother and tell her what she should do. She actually has no power, especially given that she is not living with you. Your fear is her only weapon. You need to find what will make her realize you are not afraid of her but you don't disrespect her either. The first thing is to not let yourself get affected by this and actually believe that she has no power.

    Until you find her button to turn her off, like the others suggested, just say okay and don't do it. If you don't like to lie, then tell her, well I'll take care of this. Don't spoil your health by thinking about this. Now that I'm there to take care of my husband and me, I'll do it. If your husband has a younger brother or sister, say that person now needs more attention. If your husband says you should talk to your MIL, tell him the equation between daughter in law and MIL is not the same as that between son and mother. And that he should just let you handle it the way you want. He, after all, has no experience being a daughter in law. Ask him, would he rather like for you to speak respectfully to his mother or yell emotionally and create more trouble for him to deal with.
     
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  6. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    Wow...very similar in my case it is my SIL and FIL. My FIL operates though my husband and my SIL operates through her father. They all operate through my husband to get results from him and me over the years. They don't live with us, my BIL came when we were only married less than 2 mo! SIL stayed with us for 3 weeks of hell when we weren't even married 1 year! Your husband is micro-managing how you mingle the way my husband did. Cut contact with her, you will have more peace. After that you will have to deal with you're husband's tantrums and long face. Then they will be putting pressure on him complaining about you "treating them badly" SMH Stand firm, he will grow tired of fighting with you and will realize that peace in marriage is more important than a good relationship with in-laws. Parents are not our life partners. Your only good to your husband if you are alive! My husband married me NOT my parents! He expected constant adjusting from me when he wouldn't even call my parents! I didn't even pressure him as my parents don't operate the way his do. My parents don't complain about how talking to my husband is like pulling teeth lol. Yet he thinks he's mingling...lol. They accept him as he is. Forcing mingling is never a good idea. It should be natural! There is no rule that we must be best friends or even love our in-laws. Be formal, not friendly and that's it. As long as your husband is not complaining why is she putting her nose in your business? Keep your answers short and to the point. No details. You don't owe her an explanation. You are a wife---not a mother to your husband! Calling you to ask you to report to her of your duties towards your husband? WTH she has boundary issues! Better you don't pick up her calls/refuse , she will twist whatever you do. But she can only complain of what you refuse to do. Makes sense? This is a turning point, indeed what will your husband do? That is the question I am dealing with now. He can fight all he wants, I am not speaking to his parents after all the pain they have caused in 5 years and they are in India...
    Giving a MIL whatever she wants EVERY time is like giving a child candy always and not food. It's sweet for her but it will be bitter for you because when you MIL gets "sick" you'll still have to deal with that? No way!
    She wants you to quit your job so you can be her slave! KEEP YOUR JOB, imagine how worse things can be if you don't have a job, she'll be even more intense than she is now! + If you're not working and the marriage falls apart (husband's choice not yours) life will be tougher! Your job is your safety---KEEP IT.
    I bet if you forced him to talk to your family when he is tired he wouldn't like that! How dare he do that to you! The nerve.
     
  7. Rosey2018

    Rosey2018 Bronze IL'ite

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    Very interfering. I’d ignore ignore ignore or play the same game. Don’t be innocent.

    When she says to do this that the other agree and then don’t do it and if she asks what hapoened. Say u forgot.

    Stay at ur parents don’t bring ur parents home. But if u do bring ur parents at ur place don’t let your mother cook. Let her have rest too and chill out:go out etc. MILs plan will backfire. Don’t tell ur mother ur plan either since she’s scared of her. In the end u can say to mil well it was u who suggested this that they other. Honestly how can she expect Utd go to work late? You’d be fired!
     

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