How To Manage Mother In Law?

My dear....

Your story is my very story...wow.I say if you live in the city and know how to drive, get a job and get out of that apartment.
I live in the suburbs (apt) in US and have learned to drive but passing the road test is nerve wrecking. It takes time.
He sacrifices his/our happiness for their comfort! We are still renting while they live in a home in India better than us lol (not really lol but I am trying to) In my case he purchased a home for his parents when we were only 1 year and 7 months married. I have since removed myself from contact from my in-laws since last December (were married 4yrs and 1 month at that point when my husband finally revealed the truth of a matter I was suspicious about (as you continue reading) and lied about for years. It was tough but the adjustment period is mandatory.
It's a shame for the wife to be worried about seeming materialistic yet aren't his family behaving materialistically? Yet my husband would control my spending early in the marriage.What's worse was that it was my own money which I earned before marriage! Such hypocrite behavior. Such fights we had!
I found it interesting that the moment they suspected my then fiancee (now husband) had a woman (me) suddenly they have all these needs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
You are absolutely right, they only understand life from their point of view. It's no use talking to them. They will never change. I realized and truly believed this after he bought them the home--- before that he bought them a business just 2 months before our marraige!I didn't even know about it, and found out at the end of the first year of marriage by accident (because he didn't even tell me the cost!) I was filled with so much horror and anger "This is the kind of in-laws I have?" Only after my FIL got the money suddenly they are asking my husband when we are planning for a baby!? The nerve! Only after they get what they want THEN we have their permission to start a family? The DIL is supposed to be the one to adjust forever SMH such problems they have caused between us! And one year before that he paid for his sister 2nd marriage! My husband is just 2 years younger than her and at that point he was never married! (He didn't want to but that was another big secret he didn't tell me the true story until last December! 4 years married at that point!) I can't take it anymore.
I have hope on him and I feel stupid for saying so. As long as he is willing to remain married to me, I will do the same. It took me a long time bringing up in fights how I resented him for allowing his BIL to come to stay with us (we weren't even married 2 months then) then later my SIL with terror child that she couldn't control (she stayed with us for 3 weeks of hell) They couldn't survive in US so they went back after only 1 year of struggle. My husband has suffered so much, a self-made man really, no one in his family could have done all he has done! He has been in USA since 2005. We met in 2006. Every month he sends money for their home for monthly payments. He always says he can't save money because of them but never admits it to them! Sure they are his responsibility (according to the culture he was born in) but they are living in luxury compared to us! We have just made 5 years married now and no kids. He is overworked and stressed trying to make up for much losses $$$$$$$due to family and also trying to work for his own satisfaction now. "I want to be successful" interesting doing all for his family has not given him that feeling...shame he wants success more than a family of his own. Honestly I want peace more than a family. Bringing a child into a stressful marriage is not fair, but as women we do not have our entire lives either. I leave it in Christ's hands.

 

My goodness, so your husband booked the tickets already then? Keep your contact with them minimal. Be formal, not friendly. DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN EVER. Make your wishes about your children clear. Repeat them if you must, until they get annoyed and react---but you...remain calm. Your husband must see for himself. It's tough!
Well as of December 2016 I removed myself from contact with in-laws. There is much resistance and fighting at the start between us but no matter how I suffer I stand firm. I cannot return to being blind when I know see my in-laws true nature. I don't trust them. I sell collectibles online and visit my family for sometimes two weeks at a time, exercise and watch my favorite streaming series to distraction. I try new recipes, I write to people online to offer support, I have penpals. (penpalsnow.com), I also pray to Christ EVERYDAY, as HE is where I draw my strength.
That is not their right to be pressurizing--- having a baby is a very large step that involve only the people in the marriage.
I told my husband I cannot bear being treated rudely in my own home AGAIN and even punched a dent in the wall when he brought up the topic of him wanting to see his parents "Then go to them, go and see them!" I will not travel thousands of miles to be treated like an outsider for the 3rd time. They invaded during our first year of marriage, I have made it clear that should God allow us to have a child/children---that during the first year of the child's life ( I should have said 2 years + LOL) : I do NOT want them in our home stressing me out. I couldn't get time with my husband peacefully beause of them sending my SIL to stay with us when we close to 1 year married? The mentality was: "She's a nice girl so we are comfortable having our daughter stay with them" WTH??? I told him "Wow, so your sister is my reward for being good, kind and respectful???!! I should have been a demon girl from the beginning then they would NEVER dare suggest their daughter to stay with us!" My husband could say nothing he just remained with his mouth open. SMH So now I want time with my child, it wasn't a request. As I was never requested but just informed of his decisions. I have never yelled at my in-laws EVER-- even when they deserved it, nor was I ever the first one to be rude either (SIL) But I have told him that there is a first time for everything as I have reached my limit. A child I feel will make me talk DIRECTLY to in-laws. My husband didn't protect me, but I WILL protect my child with EVERYTHING that I am. I will take the phone myself and tell them directly if he starts pressuring me again if I am ever pregnant. "My pregnancy should be the best time of our lives, or it can be the worst." I told him. I cannot rely on my husband to protect me. Men won't protect if they don't view THEM as a threat to his wife's well being. No more sugar on words. I'm tired of my husband micro-managing how I mingle with them, nothing is EVER enough. I'm sick of being depressed, sick of crying, sick of being angry. I'm just left disgusted with how everything has turned out. I can't go back. Neither of us is the same person we were all those years ago: full of hope of positive possibilities with in-laws. The course has reached it's end and now I have to bear my husband's hurt feelings and angry because I cut them off?? Even now I still suffer, our relationship is not the same either way! They cut me off for 2 years (no contact---not even on WhatsApp (very hurtful) yet he believes their excuses...it was shortly after his sister stayed with us and they came to know that we did NOT get along. I told him it was a bad idea as I experienced my SIL rude character in India---but he didn't listen. "If she is rude to me in her own country, she will be rude to me in my own home..." Oh there is much more but this is already so long lol

 

Marriage is not an easy job. I too married from more than 5 years have 2 kids but still many times feel to move out of all this. But could not find the way out. This is life all about. If you are not married your relatives and neighbours kill you and after marriage this task comes to ILs. No one let us live and be "happily married ever after"(biggest joke)

 

Right now men worry about money problems, a woman's emotional security are not priority. Men cry and stress for money and women cry for love. When the money is going great only then my husband commented on in-law issues...SMH. This was the first time he did this at 4.5 yrs of marriage last year. Unreal + after he told the truth about our tough marriage then he expected me to return to the way I was with my in-laws. The nerve. Trust has been compromised for years yet he expected fast a reward for what he should have done at the beginning of marriage? UNREALISTIC Damage is done.