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How To Manage Mother In Law?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Newbee1, Nov 10, 2017.

  1. ashneys

    ashneys Gold IL'ite

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    If his parents are aware of your sexual n financial problems n choose to ignore n still keep demanding, then they are just trying to milk as much as possible.

    I think you should tackle one issue at a time n try to sort. Figure out if you want to fix the sexual problem first or the financial, try talking sensibly without raising voice, pointing fingers, bad about his parents or judgemental.

    Regarding the sexual problem, tell him you are not satisfied, some men try to blackmail emotionally or morally making you sound like a sex addict, don't fall for it. It's just their defence mechanism. If you insult a gal in a sexual manner, she will back off is the concept of it. Rise above it. Say if a woman deprives her husband sexually in an arranged marriage, wouldn't he blow it up big n his family too. Why should a woman be silent? N also don't think it's a man's job to start, you can also do. You are half a partner in a marriage. If no talking, convincing, fighting helps, tell him either you will have to tell the whole family or come for a sex therapy.

    If he points to financial problem for the sexual issue, again don't fall for it.

    Also find a way n ensure that he doesn't deprive you for giving to his family. Make a scene or whine or something till he gets the message. Sometimes it's important to show them that a wife can't and shouldn't be taken for granted. When in doubt, just ask yourself "how long am I ok to live like this? What am I gona do to change this?"
     
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  2. Goahead

    Goahead Bronze IL'ite

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    Newbee:
    i was in exact situation like you....few words of advice from my experience:

    forget the money for atleast couple of years and not say anything to your husband in regards to money...try to be very nice to his family in front of him to show that you respect them....he not telling you or hiding financial spending on inlaws is a red sign...tell him how i can help in your financial struggle...do not worry we can handle it together but never say that dnt spend on parents, brother etc atleast for now....stay quiet and try to have him in confidence...then after a year or 2 years start playing the trick of lets buy a house here, lets move to a better apartment, lets go to vacations etc....

    for now: make sure you ask for tv, vacations etc by not comparing to inlaws just simply telling him to enjoy life...focus on him and how much you care for him..like i get very worried that you have to work so hard and you are in stress..lets go out and enjoy so you feel better and relaxed....do not say anything in regards to his parents/family just focus on you both....also buy things for yourself...shopping, salons etc so he know that these are the added expenditures now...do not compare again that your mom have help and i do not..just say i need to get facial dine, eyebrows done, mani/pedi done for my basic grooming....and make new friends...go out...make friends who travel a lot...so when he sees other couples travelling or enjoying, he will also start thinking the same way ...
     
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  3. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    OP, you are married for only 10 months.
    This is the time you need to bond with him and gain his trust and confidence. In arranged marriage, it take time to build a lovely relationship. You are almost a stranger to him and PILs, they watch your every actions. Once they feel you are their team, many improvements will be there in your relationships as well.

    What is the use of all finance if you don't have a good relationship with him in all aspects. Try not to talk about his finance or his parents or anything else that create tension and focus on your intimacy. Create a feel that you love, respect and care him & his family and demand it back too. Slowly take control. I guess you can go back to work once you get EAD. I am sure you will feel better then.

    Don't buy his explanation that his financial stress is creating bedroom problems. Please dont bring a kid soon unless you solve this issue. Take this as the first step and convince him that he need to work on it . Create a happy and peaceful home. Try to spend maximum time together and work on intimacy

    If you are unhappy with your sexual relationship, tell him clearly about it. Create an impression that you may walk out ( I am not asking you to do that) if your basic marriage needs are not satisfied . If not he will take you for granted and will be like this for ever. You need to shake him for any action. You only know the status of the relationship. If it is serious (read many IL post on asexual marriages or google 'low testosterone in men'- it can affect even fertility ) and if he is not ready to work on it, don't waste your precious time, inform your parents and seek other options.

    Focus on this for the time being. Rest will follow.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017
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  4. EverydayBloom

    EverydayBloom Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    These are newly wed couples issues, first try to build trust between your relationship, unconditional compatibility will fix everything, for that both partners need to work towards, trusting a fellow person is the difficult task, if it is arranged marriage, then it needs more effort. So, I would suggest you to work towards it before jumping into finances, I know your DH might be supporting his family expenses but talking against them might stain your relationship with him, enjoy the first couple of years are marriage on building the foundation, rest everything will fall in place soon, you cannt change years together accustomed habits (sending money to his parents) overnight, take it slowly. If possible join work or higher studies, which is feasible for your visa status.

    Good luck
     
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  5. Dishaa

    Dishaa Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Op,

    My suggestions are:

    1. Don't complain about your in laws to your husband (at the end of the day they are his parents).

    2. Search a job for yourself and ensure your husband pays you the commuting expenses.

    3. About giving money to your in laws - Don't worry about it slowly once your family expenses increases your husband only will take a call on this, why you are earning a bad name by complaining and nagging or bad mouthing about your in laws.

    4. T
    ry the reverse policy, encourage your husband to spend more on his family (see to it all the salary is finished within 7 days) and ensure there is no basic requirements in stock (daily food), continue this policy for next couple of months everything will fall in place (When you guys don't have anything to eat where as your in laws are demanding for luxury items will be an eye opener for your husband).

    5. Maintain a formal and friendly relation with your in laws.

    Best wishes....
     
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  6. Newbee1

    Newbee1 New IL'ite

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    Hey, Thanks a lot for your advice. I appreciate it. I find this solution very practical and will surely follow.
    But sometimes I lose my patience like when I asked for TV(he didnt have one) he bluntly said that we cant afford it. he wont say a word when some demand comes from his family. He in fact shows that he is more than happy to fulfill their demands. When we were on vacation one time, his parents and brother kept calling us everyday and taunted me when I didnt reply. These things infuriates me.
    BTW did I tell you his family wants to have conversation every single day. Whats with that? I dont understand their need to talk to us everyday. I feel that they are making sure that they are in control of everything my husband does. What I mean to say is they are all like, biwi aayi to kahin ye hame na bhul jaye so we will just call him everyday and check what he does. When I asked my husband about it he said he is totally on my side and they need to cut it down. But to my surprise he still talks to his mum everyday. I know I shouldnt have but I checked his phone one time and came to know about this.
     
  7. Newbee1

    Newbee1 New IL'ite

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    Hi,
    Thanks I will keep i mind the points you metioned.
    I really like the 4th point, I so want to try it out but I guess he has enough savings in his pocket and his family will end up getting everything. Even if he is struggling with the finances he wont tell me as he thinks I might ask not to spend on his parents(which is exactly I want to do but without letting him now about it :p )
    So I am not sure about this trick as it might backfire.
     
  8. Newbee1

    Newbee1 New IL'ite

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    Hi ashneys,
    Thank you so much for your advice!!
     
  9. Newbee1

    Newbee1 New IL'ite

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    These are very thoughtful inputs and I totally agree with you. These listed things are pretty much the same that I am trying to follow nowadays. Reading these thoughts of your gave me a boost that I am going in right direction. Hopefully it will work out.
     
  10. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    Do you speak with your parents everyday??

    if so, why cant he speak with his mom everyday?? If you don't like being a part of their conversation, don't join him when they call.. let he alone talk with his parents.. but you can't tell him not to speak with his parents everyday..

    what if he is telling you not to speak with your mother everyday, how would you feel about that?

    You should give him that space, your MIL is your DH's mother..
     
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