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How To Manage Both Career And Family?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Sep 19, 2019.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Guys,

    Kindly guide me sharing your opinions in this regard.

    It is now confirmed that we (I and H) can not find any opportunities in or near our hometown for now. All the work places, that operated in our area have been moved to different areas; hence this problem.

    I am the primary breadwinner at home, with a wonderful career!
    My H tries his best to climb the career ladder with decent success now a days.

    I have two options related to our career.

    1. Find a career in another city, move my family with us.
    Moving family requires a lot of effort. H needs to find a job wherever I move (not impossible though), and we need to set up a new home from the scratch. Kids schooling, maid etc..etc...
    Not an impossible task though!

    Plus, my mom stays with me since the past 9 years. She is extremely inconvenient to move away from our home town. Because she has her other children (my bro & sis) live here, and her extended family (her bro + cousins etc) also live here.
    She feels safe & happy in this place.

    I can replace mom with a nanny in the new place easily. Because my kids are now bigger. But I can't replace the love and care she rendered for the kids. Separating them is not a good idea.
    Also, she has been with me for a while, that too she left her own home and others to create a living in my place. She is now 70+
    Now that, leaving mom alone or leaving her with any other siblings is out of question, and that may seem inconsiderate after all the supports she has rendered for us.

    She suggests to leave the kids with her in our house (of course with a maid too), and travel every weekends to enjoy family time.
    This way, both myself and H will have to stay away from each other (and away from kids too) during the weekends.
    I've done that a lot in the past, and doing the same now. Mom has always been good at taking care of the kids. But of late, it affects our mental & physical health. (too much travelling, loneliness, store food etc)

    Kids lose their studies, and suffer silently the pain of staying away from parents. In fact, my DD cried yesterday at school thinking about me - that prompt my post here.
    And we can't do that on a long run. Losing the prime age of our growing kids for our elderly mother doesn't seem to be OK for me.


    2. Take a break from my career and stay at home
    This needs extreme compromises as a family. Specially at this growing years of kids, and the peek years of my career taking a break seem foolishness.
    But I can stay at home, maintain everything under my control and give a decent/happy life for both mom and kids.
    However, with whatever the foreseeable financial struggle and career loss, I can't stay happy at all.


    What do you guys think? Any suggestions to take?
     
    startinganew likes this.
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    I would suggest Option 1 so you have career, family together, maid's assistance .. basically a life which you currently have, except for the location change. Here you may have to trouble your mom to accommodate this change. But thats just one thing you need to deal with. Starting from scratch and related efforts are part and parcel of shifting anyways.

    Option 2 involves some big decisions and can create big issues to deal with. So, I personally wouldn't suggest.
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Option 1 is good.
    Your mom can move in with you.
    If she don't want to do this, she can move into your brother house.
    It may be soothing for him ,due to present sickness of his kid.
     
    startinganew and confused4sure like this.
  4. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    Being with kids is crucial in this prime age.
    Moving to a city where the opportunities are higher seems like the better choice
    At 70, you mom also needs you and family for emotional support. Even though she might not like it, I think she will get used to it. if it is financially feasible, could you keep a small set up in the current town, like a weekend home. This way your mom doesn't feel completely moved. Eventually, if you are not visiting often on weekends, you can decide to give it up, and hopefully by then your mom wouldn't mind.
     
    Meghaa likes this.
  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Having financial stability is even more important during higher education of kids. So your career is important n compromising on that is not wise.

    You have been away for so long, your DD crying over you yesterday just shows how painful it is for them. So if you have the means to be together as a family, moving them, n setting up a new place, anything n everything is worth it to keep your family together.

    About your mom, if she’s uncomfortable with the move, she can stay 6 months at your place n 6 months at your brothers, or maybe divide it into 3 including your sis or whatever works. This way your kids continues to get the love, your mom continues to be with her other kids, her brother/ cousins. She can be a globetrotting gran. It’s a win win for all. Don’t prolong this, get your family back together, your kids needs you.
     
    shravs3 and confused4sure like this.
  6. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    What are the chances that the employment opportunities return to your city?

    If chances are slim then long term
    Planning is needed and it is best to move kids with you and ask you mom to accompany you if she is willing.

    It will be difficult for her to
    Move to any body else’s house now, so try to get her with you.
     
  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Silver IL'ite

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    I like the first option. Let me explain some background, my mom and dad left my sister and me in our grand parents care to work. this continued until the end of elementary school. I still believe they did a great job with us, but looking back I wanted more mommy time. My grandmom retells (exaggerates) how my lil sister cried when every time mom would leave. The care, nurturing and love kids need now cannot be given 10 years later. The attachment will be totally different at that time. DH also had a similar situation, when I saw my parents every month, he saw them every year. We both had financial security growing up, but looking back I know both of our parents regretted that decisions. We never wanted that with the child, however, I had to do it for 4 months. I vowed to myself I am never doing that again. everyone's situation is different but just saying that if you can move them to the town of work to see them more frequently, that is what you should do.
     
  8. startinganew

    startinganew Gold IL'ite

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    Option 1 feels like the better option of the two.

    The two aspects of it:

    1. Move to a new city is a LOT of work for you and husband to setup home, maid, school. But like you said at the end of it all you, H and kids will be together so you can go through the pain with this "light" ahead.

    2. Move to a new city won't be comfortable for your mother. But hopefully you can convince her - given how integral a part of your family she is - and she does want your kids to have maximum mom-dad time. With this Option 1, the only thing you need to work on is alleviate your mom's discomfort:

    1. Once/Twice a month (or even every week if your mom wishes) - over the weekends - can you arrange for comfortable transport (AC car or AC train ride) for your mom to travel to her native place and meet her family and relatives. You and H take care of running the household over the weekends - so mother can rest or meet brother/sister's family and kids. You can make sure her visit is welcome back home - by sending a lot of care-packages to her and your loved ones so they all look-forward to grandma's visit.
    Since mom is 70+, maybe can you send one of your home care-takers along with her for any help along the way? I know accomodating maid at your relatives place might be difficult. Maybe you can invite a helper from your current city to the new place - then in that case the helper can also visit her family over the weekend?
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Thank you everyone for your opinions here.

    It seems option 1 is the best option. I already felt the same; hence needed some validation here.

    Even my H and kids are in agreement with that. Kids are excited to settle in a new place (though they may miss their school/friends, but they are very small; hence they can adapt to any changes).
    H is ready to compromise on his work front, if at all he can't find a suitable job in the new place. But with his specialty, there is a lot of hopes.
    Besides, we can wait till January or late December for the move. In between, my H could try his best to find a job there.
    On the other hand, my H has a plan to pursue his Phd very soon. Therefore, he may be expected to compromise on his 9-5 career for the paper works.
    Therefore, shifting won't be an issue for us as family.

    The problem comes with mom. She has become a member of our family since the past 8 years. She is a widow, and she is clearly not comfortable staying at anyone else's place. She too doesn't have a place of her own with all the needful facilities for now.
    Given that, it is out of question to let her behind when it comes to moving towards our new destination.

    I have tried convincing her a lot in the past. It's been a 8 long years of journey.
    Every time she would come, stay with me and kids in the new place.. and we would establish everything in our new home for 6-8 months... Then comes a problem at my siblings' place.
    Mainly at my bro's place as my sister is well settled at her in laws' place with no problems.
    Initially a problem where bro and SIL were at the verge of separation. Mom wanted to move in there to solve their problems.
    I could not help... But resign my job to move back to home town, as my second kid was very small, and there was no reliable day care facility in that city where I worked back then.
    It was huge loss in my career front.

    After a year, I found another job, and again moved my family with me. Lots of expenses, lots of efforts... You know, moving is never an easy task.
    This time mom joined us too, that too wholeheartedly. But within 3 months, my brother had a newborn and there was huge problem with him and his in laws; hence mom was expected to take care of the delivery/post delivery.
    So, mom created an unnecessary fight with me over a small compromise (I know she was made to feel guilt by brother and SIL for taking care of my kids ONLY). And she left us.

    Both the times, mom did not stay at my bro's place more than a month. She never feels comfortable there, specially with SIL.
    So, both the times she moved back to my home in the home town, and suggested me to bring the kids there. So that she could take care of them on a daily basis (With the help of maid), and attend to brother's needs occasionally.
    This way, she is guilt free, she is independent, and happy.

    I must admit that she is the best grand mother to the kids and takes very good care of them as a parent. So, even my kids are not ready to stay with nanny or at day care center when their granny is around.

    Earlier I was a complete dependent on mom with the kids. I did not have a smooth marriage with my H, and I was worried a lot about PILs and their involvements with kids back then.
    My H too was very irresponsible, hence I could not depend on him with the young kids then.
    That's why I had to compromise my career, my happiness, my comforts and all for mom because at that time, all I wanted is a safe place for the kids... and a way to earn money for the family.

    Now that things have changed. H has turned out to be very responsible. Kids have grown up and I don't have to worry so much as earlier about their safety.
    If mom comes, good for all of us. If she doesn't come, we can still settle in the new city comfortably.
    But I don't wanna leave mom behind. She is old, and she will not have anyone/anyplace to stay.
    My siblings have always stated that she favored me, though they knew that they have not compromised their life style to accommodate mom at their place, and that's a reason for her favoritism for me.
    They needed mom whenever they had a problem. That's why mom did not see a home in their places.
    But here, I accommodated mom as a permanent resident at my place. Of course I had so many problems and no support compared to my siblings; hence accommodating mom was a requirement to me back then.

    Having said that, what can I do if mom chooses not to join us?

    Shall we leave the plan, and continue as now (Me and H in 2 diff places, kids are with mom at home town)
    Or Shall we go ahead as planned, leaving mom alone?

    What would you do if you are in my shoes?
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2019
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    I am able to understand where your guilt / burden is coming. ‘I used her when I needed help now is it right to move on’. You don’t have to think of this as ‘moving On’. It’s jus finding the right solution.

    Reading your post, looks like you have also been making many compromises/ sacrifices in your life for mom. Given the circumstances, I would definitely do everything in my power to keep my kids n H along with me. Of course mom too, if she’s unhappy or misses others, I will plan her travels comfortably. So that she doesn’t miss out on anyone’s life.

    She anyway is not able to live more than a month at your bros house. So send her over for a month or so n let her come back to your house. Give her a permanent room in your house so she knows that she’s still a part of your household permanently but is free to travel to her son n other daughter anytime she wants.

    N you hire a full time help for your kids regardless of your mom joining you or not that way if she’s there, she can supervise. If she’s travelling to her other kids houses, you are supervising.

    Going by your post, even if your mom says no to you now. It will barely last a month or so. As she gets uncomfortable in your bros or sis’s house, she will come to you in a month or two. N will keep coming even later during any other new problems. So don’t compromise on your kids life.

    Find a workable solution rather than keeping your kids away from you for this. They need to live with their parents together
     
    shreepriya likes this.

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