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How To Make My H Understand That I Would Like To Have Little Freedom On What I Like?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by zeppelingirl, Oct 14, 2017.

  1. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dears,

    My husband and me are in long distance relationship now. Since last 2 weeks we fighting over nothing which is he wants me to wear gold bangle at home, which I don't want to do since it won't be comfortable for me to wear it 24x7

    It all started out bcos of me. I sent my MIL a picture of me wearing the saree my hubby bought for my bday. I tried it at night time to sent it to my husband so I didnt wear any jewels. After a day I sent it to my MIL respecting her like my mom telling it was bought by his son to me. But what she did was telling my husband abt this 'not wearing' jewel concern of hers on Skype which my ILs do often since I got married. She never talked with me about the saree in any of the phone calls after that. I stopped calling her as well. Now my husband demanding me to wear bangles, doing a silent war for about 2 weeks. Frustrating. I don't want to do things his mom likes. I want to be myself. I wear jewels to places I should wear. But I don't want to wear it at home. How can I make my husband understand I don't like when he asks me to do something which I don't like just to please his parents. This kinda problem is making me lose interest on him these days.

    i couldn't digest the fact that all he can talk me this last 2 week is 'do wear bangle and call me'. He has nothing else to speak with me. I hate his parents for what they do to me. Even after knowing that we will fight over these things they are involving in our married life.

    How can I make my husband understand that I don't want to do things which I don't like just to please his parents?

    I talked many times about this. It won't help. Now Im learning to do silent war just like him but He calls me attitude
     
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  2. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear, see when in-laws are really good and casual they don't care. Even if they want to comment they would have told you directly in a casual manner. But you know typical in-laws look for opportunities and want to create rift and build stories on you because they don't favour ur attitude(u want to be what you are but they want you to hear and obey whatever they say). For this I feel u can talk directly to your in-laws suddenly ( no fight Pls) keeping ur husband on frame so that this hide and seek game will not repeat hereafter. U explain ur husband that u want to be what u want as long as u r not harming anyone and not poking ur nose on other issues. U explain that u are giving space to a relationship between ur H and in-laws and the same way you expect others to give space between you both. They know that u both are fighting and they aggravate even on petty things to keep their son within their groove.
     
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  3. WorriesTooMuch

    WorriesTooMuch Silver IL'ite

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    Husbands are so easily influenced sometimes. Left to himself, I'm sure he never would have bothered about you wearing or not wearing bangles. Don't give in to his demand, I hate people telling me what to do as well. If you give in this time, the next time it'll be something else. And so on.

    Expecting your husband to understand you may not be possible, but if you hold your ground, he will eventually back off.
     
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  4. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    I find your DH to be immature..He is getting carried away with his mom's words. Well if defending yourself is leading to arguments and fights, just be yourself. Let him know that if it is anything important/hurting others you will change yourself if required and not for some politics by MIL. Give him silent treatment if he disagrees. Keep repeating this, and they will just ignore this and let you live as per your choice.
     
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  5. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    First of all you should realize your in-laws are not your parents. You need to keep that distance from them. Don't expect them to behave like your parents. Instead of sharing the pic, you should to have wore the saree for next function and when they ask details you must have told it.

    Even though you feel like your mil cares you etc at this point they are trying to make sure they have control over you. They don't care much about how you guys are doing to each other. (Very common scenario of first few months of marriage.)

    You be smart and learn the tactics. Share only vital information to them. If you want to have a casual talk call your parents/friends/siblings but not in laws! Before sharing any details to in-laws make sure it won't fire back to you. Learn to ignore, ignore, ignore. Do just what you want to do. Be firm and strong. Observe how your mil/fil is rejecting things which they don't want you to do. Use the same tactics against them. Let it be emotional black mail or ignoring.

    Make yourself busier! Get out of that negative cocoon. Engage something that will boost your self-confidence. Let it be gym or some classes (what is your passion/ hobby?). Make some new topics to discuss. When you have less time to spend with your in laws .There is less problems. Less time to think about in laws the more mental peace you have. ;)

    Now your husband. Whenever he calls ask about his day, food, office work. Even if he is pointing towards Bangles and sarees change topic and ask about him. Let ‘him’ be the topic rather than pointing on you. Tell him let us talk about us rather than in laws. Else let us discuss about our next trip, national politics, weather, tv shows, newspaper .but not about in-laws and politics. Change topic.

    Sadly you have highly controlling in laws and H. Give less opportunity to control. Get a clarity on how you are and what you want. The more you are firm and busy the less you have to worry about!
     
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  6. lukywife

    lukywife Gold IL'ite

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    Do you really want this marriage life?
    First go for a job. Stop thinking about this guy and his mom. Wait until he comes to you.
    Can you go for job?
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op....are you living with inlaws? Why are you sending her pics then?
    If not...again, why are you sending pics to some one who is trying to cause problems in your marriage?

    Your mil/ inlaws are creepy. Controlling and manipulative. A mother who is willing to cause trouble between her son and dil is not a good person.

    She is a mil,treat her like one.
    After this incidence,she does not deserve to be on friendly terms with dil .
    Just have formal relations with her.
    Just as much as required. Learn from your co sister.. ... Parents who cause trouble in son's marriage deserve dils like co sister.

    Unfortunately you have an extremely immature husband who seems to be on a mission to control and bend his wife since co sister bolted or on orders from his parents.

    What do you want ?
    You can take a stand and give him silent treatment too.
    This can go either way. He can become more stuburn or learn that he cannot go on doing this.

    Another approach is to to not let this become an issue like your mil wants.
    Wear the silly bangles,call him and skype with him. Don't talk about the bangle,talk aboutvyour life.
    Then take out the bloody bangles and wear something else. Next time you call ,wear something else. This way ,it is your decision . Don' t let mil cause trouble.

    Strengthen your bond with husband while slowly getting a control over your life.
    Be formal with mil and stop involving her in your personal issues.Do not give her the option of choosing things for you.Do not share your personal life with her. Let her learn a lesson that causing problems will result in straining relations with you.

    If your fil continues to control you by escorting you to and from work. Make it difficult for him.
    Stop on the way at a parlour and get the haircut you want. Let him wait.
    Next day...stop for some shopping .
    A few days later ,stop for a facial. If he objects,tell him to go ahead as you will be fine.
    How long will he tail you?
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2017
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  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Op..
    Pick ur battles wisely.. at this point ur inlaws and H only care abt damn bangles and not you. Just wear them. You need to adjust at some places.
    Wat jewels do they expect you to wear at home? All newly married gals wear them( and eventually stop wearing them as per dress). Just a chain, 2 bangles, toe rings are not much of an issue. They look good and feminine.
    These small issues shouldnt disturb ur actual goal of getting a job and being independant. Be smart. If you want to stick to this marriage, you should give in a little. What would ur mom suggest in such a case?
     
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  9. poi098

    poi098 Bronze IL'ite

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    Something similar happened to me as well, but more subtly. I dont like wearing bangles, i feel like i'm handcuffed. In the start of my marriage days my FIL said to my MIL about why I don't wear bangles. My MIL told me that you should wear bangles , i just nodded. Then later my husband started saying the same. I thought why to make it a bigger issue. So i started wearing bangles for a few days. After few days it really started irritating me which i made obvious in front of in -laws and hubby, like i commented uff these bangles, they are such a bother, they make so much noise, etc etc. Eventually i started wearing bangles alternate days, and later stopped wearing them eventually. Now in laws don't say anything, because i at least gave it a try. Husband brings it up from time to time, but i just casually brush it off.
    I can suggest the same thing for you, wear it for a few days, after some time - start showing how much it bothers you. Hopefully they will get the clue and appreciate you for at least trying. You can stop wearing them eventually.
    Let me say something - you can't satisfy everyone in a marriage!! So do what you are comfortable with and don't bother much about others.
     
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  10. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for the reply dear. I really want to tell my in-laws not to strain our relationship like this. But I'm afraid that she might go and tell her son thrice of what I asked on next phone call. Since we are far now, my husband believes his parents more than me.

    But I don't like to speak with her anymore. I didn't call her after what happened. Its been 2 weeks now. She may complain again. But I don't care anymore.
     

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