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How To Maintain My Sanity With All Things Happening Around Me

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by happypoppy, Dec 13, 2017.

  1. happypoppy

    happypoppy New IL'ite

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    Please suggest / advice me!

    I stay with my husband in US and I have a 1 year old son. I have a full time job.

    I have never had a good relationship with my in-laws, even before the wedding and in the wedding, they tried to create a lot of issues to an extend that one of their relative hit me when the beautician was taking a long time. And to my husband they tried to project them as we are not respecting them, and we are creating issues. And my husband listens to everything that his parents say, does not question, does even think that they might be wrong.

    They never really cared for me, always seen me like an outsider and have created a lot of issues, insulted my parents, insulted me. I just don't want to bother you with all the drama.

    Now, my MIL is with me for 6 months to help me with my son. I did not want her to come, but she insisted she wants to come and help us. Anyway, now that she is here, I try to be nice to her. But, she does not even speak to me if my husband is not at home. If I try to initiate a conversation, she just answers with a Yes or No. She always has a grumpy face for me, but in front of my husband she speaks very well. She is always trying to provoke me to react badly, which I am trying to ignore. The thing is I see this two faced thing and it really irritates me. Speaks very nicely to my husband about me and I always keep complaining about her. My husband realizes few times that she is doing dramas, but he just tries to ignore it. And he says since they are elders I just need to adjust.

    I can adjust once or twice, but this is everyday drama. Few times, I just don't feel like coming home due to the negativity. And also, they always try to have these family secret kind of talks, when I enter the room, they stop speaking. And sometimes, MIL waits for me to walk out of my bedroom and sits next to my sleeping husband and talk, I feel really awkward and feel it is intrusion of my privacy. When I spoke to my husband about it, he says it is not in his hands, she starts conversations when I am not there, she comes into the room, I cannot stop her. Which I totally understand. But how can I stop such things.

    How can I handle the situation at home maturely? How can I stop complaining to my husband? How can I just ignore her? How can I change things without actually confronting her, cos I always lose as I do not get ideas and points when I am speaking. How can I get my husband to see the things that his mother does? He just tries to act either blind or helpless in any situation.
     
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  2. shri0218

    shri0218 Silver IL'ite

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    Was yours a love marriage?
     
  3. happypoppy

    happypoppy New IL'ite

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    No, it was an arranged marriage.
     
  4. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Be a happy poppy and IGNORE ! Don’t initiate conversations or try to be nice . Just barge into the room when she is sharing secrets with her son and go on with your life. Let her focus on your son, you focus on your’s. Don’t badmouth your MIL to your husband, EVER.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If you don't get along with her..why do you want her to speak to you?
    Seriously...can't you see this is a blessing. You are able to communicate the basic with a few words . If you both talk more...things might get worse.
    Look at the silver lining here....this is not a bad thing .
    You do the same. When your husband is not around,just keep communication to minimum and when he is around,paste a smile and talk normally.
    She is doing you a big favor.

    As for the second bit about her speaking nicely about you and you complaining about her to your husband.
    Seriously?how stupid is that?
    Why are you complaining about her when she is speaking nicely about you. You are going to lose whatever little sympathy your husband has for you.You will end up looking like an unreasonable nag to him . You will lose his respect.She is with you to take care of your kid and you complain about her. How bad does that look?

    Let her speak nicely about you . If you can speak nicely about her...do that,if not ,just just keep quiet. Don't go about complaining about her.

    As for being an outsider in their meetings......learn to enjoy being an outsider. When they have their meeting,consider it your free time. Use this time for yourself. Pamper yourself ,read,watch videos,sing songs. Don't show that it bothers you even if it does. Soon you will learn the pleasure of being an outsider.
     
  6. shri0218

    shri0218 Silver IL'ite

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    May be she is just insecure and showing it this way or she is just being a MIL :)
    Learn to ignore this behavior and do not take these issues to your husband. He will def not stand by your side and a time will come he will start ignoring whatever you complain about them (when there is an actual issue). Because you dont stay with them then don't let this attitude affect you.
    Be the same way to her in front of your husband and otherwise just go about your business. As long as she treats your son well thats all that matters. In 6 months all this is going to go away. When they talk amongst themselves call your family/friends and talk to them. Make it clear that it doesnt bother you at all.
     
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  7. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    OP- listen to @Sandycandy .
    You are doing a very good job so far . Please continue doing that - Ignore and be happy -go-lucky (or pretend ) even if it might be difficult. You can train your mind to do that. Please don't take this as being submissive and/or meek. This is SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.You have brought the weird behavior of your MIL to your H's attention and he himself finds it awkward.But like he said ,there isn't much he will do here.And like you yourself said,complaining and whining on a daily basis will do you more harm than good. So,put on a happy face and brace through these 6 months.You have all my sympathies.This isn't easy. But I am sure you will sail through. Good thing is that you have a full time job and are out most of the day. Have a good cup of fav Starbucks before entering house every evening and give your MIL a happy and cheerful Hello /Namaste as soon as she opens the door. DO this every single evening. When alone with her,keep yourself busy with your baby (you can always say that you dont get to see him the whole day ) ,but always be polite whenever you address her (which i am sure you are ). When your H is present,always talk your MIL as respectfully as you can. Ask her what should you cook,does she have any clothes for laundry ,does she want to go out . but do these only when your H is in the house.Rest times,like I said ,keep to yourself and your baby ,but be polite.You can also take your baby out on pretext of playdates etc .If she comes and talks to your H in your bedroom (superweird BTW),just keep doing your chores in the room (like someone suggested above).She is not entitled to any privacy with her son (unless she should ask ,which she wont ).Its your room,never leave it .
    Lastly,come and vent here .Let her go back with this firm idea that you cannot be shaken or made to feel second in your own house.All the best .
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, The issues you mentioned is quite normal in joint family settings. Yes, you are an outsider to their family that consists of parents and their children. It take time to accept you as part of family. We girls, have to adjust a lot in these traditional settings- that is the truth. Just consider it as part of the life.

    Try to appreciate good things. Try to find to positives in everything

    Positives of MIL now : She is doing a great job of taking care of your son (not a small job). I guess she is also helping you with household jobs. She is talking good about you to your dh (lucky you). She is trying not to create any issue by sticking to NO or yes.

    Negative- day to day drama [ IGNORE]

    What are you doing ? Instead of appreciating her great help you are complaining about her to husband. I agree with others. It will backfire. You husband stop taking your comments seriously.

    Just imagine a situation with your mother here. If your husband complaints about her everyday for whatever reasons, will you like it? No one like it when someone blames their parents even if they are the worst ones.

    If you dont want to talk, dont talk. If she dont want, dont initiate. If you dont like anything ignore. Please control the urge to complain. Just keep going with your life. Dont be possessive, they are mother and son. Let them share some happy moments together. Just imagine you and your son in that place in future.

    If you are really looking for a positive impact - try to talk only good things about dh's mother to him. try to appreciate -- for example, if she cook something and you like it. Say you like it and it is very tasty in front of your dh [or not]. If your kid is happy with her grandma - say, that in sweet works. Say she is doing a great thing by helping you. Everyone likes appreciation. Just some examples.

    If you do it, your husband value you more. even if you complain occasionally, he consider it serious. But remember , she is his mother, he cannot fight with her all the time, so he may try to ignore it to maintain peace, but just watch the drama - reason is for him both of you are important

    If you appreciate MIL- even if she dont respond to it- it will create a positive attitude towards you. Be what you are. But create an impression that you care her and value her help. You are smart enough to ignore all dramas

    Next time, if you have some negative experience, think - what if the roles are reversed, your mother in the place of MIL and your dh in your place.

    But remember, MIL is always MIL, respect that boundary. Give respect and take respect. Six months will pass very fast. But use your brain and use this opportunity to your benefit so that your dh love and value you more and more.

    Be positive and happy.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2017
  9. priyajagadeesh

    priyajagadeesh Senior IL'ite

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    Here is my advice

    Do not expect anything from IL - to make you feel like you are all one family, to give you importance

    Treat her how she treats you - be nice to her when dh is around and just ignore otherwise

    You cannot make her love you, it might just not happen whatever you do. So all you have to do is live with her for 6 months without fighting/complaining.

    Now, coming to how to deal with her on daily basis.. take long shower, give kid to grand maa and go out for groceries, HH with colleges/girl friends, try new recipes for kid or lock yourself in bed room to complete your pending office work, in short keep yourself busy and try to not go near topics that might trigger old bitter memories.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
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  10. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    Excellent advice, @DDream! A little positivity and understanding can go a long way in building any relationship. :thumbsup:
    .
     
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