How to live together happily ?

iman · Sep 11, 2014

Dear Friends,

As per some ladies suggestions I tried for IVF third time as I was firm to have my own child and went to good hospital , expenses was bit high 5 times more as compare to India. Unfortunately Ivf failed few days back. I expended 25% and rest my husband. Now he is always taunt me where all those money you promise to give 50 % and I expended more money. And Once my car broken while parking for that also he is saying pay money than only you will remember the lesson. We were planning to go on holiday that also not clear how we will manage, Actually he wants that I pay my expenses and If I say yes ok then he label me I am self- centered , egoistic, and always says ‘my money’, ‘can do alone attitude’ and If I don’t pay he doesn’t like too and but want me to be doormat, no shopping, no choice of mine anything as I have to say ‘yes only’ because he is paying all expenses of tour.
I think before why he doesn’t talk much and now I realize its better he be silent rather than this confused conversation of ours.

This all talk mix together (car , ivf and tour expenses yesterday). I was talking to adopt a baby , he said that would be yours decision and your responsibility because you don’t have kid, as he has already kids of my previous marriage, Then I said I don’t want adopted baby too and not your kid I will accept.

Today our tour plan also cancelled due to our argument. I don’t know how to live life. Without him I am alone, with him also alone for him also same thing apply.

Now I am thinking to pay all his money so he would be ok, but again question comes in mind what he taunt me now and then that he paid more in ivf. why he fight for money even he has abundant of money , bank balance mine 25% expenses of ivf is .001% of his wealth, is he is money minded with wife also how it can be possible , maybe he wants to save all for his children, will they not earn themselves really I am astonished.

I know he will sure give me later on my part of money from his wealth but why in future in old age, when no energy left.

I conclude that we live together two days normal and third day due to small conversation we become apart mentally also, again we try to be normal and same things happens since 8 years.

NB : 1) We don’t have good physical relations and it can never be improve due to not attraction for each other.
2) Other expenses flat rent, food etc. day to day expenses he never says anything about that.

sbonigala · Sep 12, 2014

Did you both sit and talk it out ?
Did you tell him that you are confused?

Weasly · Sep 12, 2014

This is odd! What is my money, your money in marriage! Concept only is wrng! Plz talk abt this to ur husband to not affect ur marriage!

anika987 · Sep 12, 2014

You are right weasly! what is this my money, your money????

MrsBV · Sep 12, 2014

so since your husband already has children from a previous relationship he doesnt think he needs to spend on IVF for having a child with you. What an insensitive man who doesnt understand his wife's pain? before you got married did he inform you that you would not have any rights to his money? I mean seriously here you are, going through the pain of having a third unsuccessful IVF and all that he can think of his that you did not spend 50% of the expenses. WOW! Honestly how do you live with a guy who doesnt think your pain to be his?

Most likely in his mind, I am sorry to say he thinks that since he has children of his own the fault is not his and because there is no love (its my opinion) he continues to nag you about these expenses. You need to sit and have a talk with him, clearly understand his interest in having a child with you, if his attitude continues to be taunting, would you really want to even adopt a baby with him? if so, be ready for him always informing you about tiny little expenses you both make on the adopted child.

Shina · Sep 12, 2014

Sadly urs is not much of a marriage is it? I remember reading ur previous thread too and as ur biological clock is ticking away he should have been all the more emotionally supportive of u after the failed ivf attempt. His asking u for money instead of feeling for ur pain suggests the lack of love and care.

Right now he is doing my money ur money and if u adopt a child he will be my child ur child. I feel so because he suggested to you that if you want to have a kid go ahead but i already have mine.

When u say some days are good how good are they? Are u able to strengthen ur relationship as it really needs to be repaired for u to be able to either have a kid or adopt one with him. I hope i am not too harsh in my post and forgive me if my interpretation is off the mark but i am trying to see things realistically so as to help you. All the best.

JustLikeYou · Sep 12, 2014

Dear OP,

Your original question, "how to live together happily?", answer is, probably impossible.
What was the original intend of you guys marrying each other? You seem to want a family and he doesn't seem to care to have that with you as he already has kids and has a wife in you so his family is complete.

He doesn't seem to care much about building family together but it looks like it is important to you. If you adopt a child, it's probably going to be just yours and not 'YOURS' as for a couple.

If you leave the baby and baby making process out of your married life, is he loving to you? If not, then this marriage is just a sham.

iman · Sep 14, 2014

@ Dear MrsBV - You are right, I prefer to be alone in this condition and that conversation was eyeopener atleast It clear my clouds to not to adopt a baby too.

@Dear Shina Thank you for your right understanding in intend to to help me out of this mess. Some days are good if I keep quite and no demand from me and I think our relationship will strengthen if I take his child, do everything according to him,leave my job and be a kind of submissive.

@Dear JustLikeYou . you are correct my intend was to marry him was dream of my life as every woman see but unfortunately it was second marriage and there was no love and no attraction from him towards me. I thought I will become soon mother unfortunately It also couldnt happened.

Thank you friends for your output. I think God is there and eveything would be ok with time. I learned so far we should not expect from others (even family members) to give us happiness as truly everyone is selfish somewhere.

For all Indus ladies " HURT me with the TRUTH, don't SATISFY me with a LIE"