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How To Keep Unhappy People Happy

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ChennaiExpress, Sep 7, 2016.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Short story,

    Dad compromised to marry mom (who is no angel).

    Dad stayed in marriage only for me, says his life has been a living hell.

    Health has been getting worse and worse.

    Gets irritated and angry all the time.

    Was super worried when I wasn't getting married. Worried that I look stressed and depressed and no one in USA wants to marry me. So he pushed for putting ad in Indian matrimonial.

    Finally got married, thought we were in Heaven, happily ever after.

    Then everything shattered.

    Then Dad got 1000 times upset when he found my ex was abusive to me, visited prostitutes, caused my miscarriage etc.

    Now Dad feels worse than ever before.

    And on my part I am not an alert person. I am book smart but no social skills.

    I am trying to change my surroundings my changing myself.

    Joined Toastmasters, completed 10 speeches (earned CC).

    Now I am President of Club, learning to work with different people, trying to win over people who may not like me, but I have to work with them and show them sincere friendship (after all if I was in their shoes I would probably act the same way)

    Also reading books such as "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (halfway through).

    Similarly if I was in my Dad shoes, I would probably be angry and upset all the time too. Dad had big dreams and his only child, a daughter is not smart. Not even smart enough to be friends with his friends children who are married, have lives of their own.

    Plus he saw a rich man's daughter being interviewed the other day. She is my age, a billionaire (from her father's business), yet she works 14 hours a day, plus works 2 hours at home helping kids and husband, looks beautiful and gorgeous.

    Meanwhile his daughter (me) has reasonably-paying government job in US. But forgets a lot (which I am teaching myself not to be forgetful). But she is pretty, even though has to work off all the 20 lbs of fat from pregnancy miscarriage (happened more than 2 years ago).

    It is always tempting to compare what you have with what someone else has.

    My question is, how to keep a perpetually unhappy, sad, irritated, angry person happy.

    As for me, I now monitor what I say. I don't joke or kid around. I work on speaking only when necessary, and doing only what I am told (not beyond that).

    And I am training to circumumbulate around Mount Kailash. Ths training will take years.
    Right now I am practicing to wake up 4pm each morning (currently I wake up 4:20am, and on weekends 6:30am) so I can do exercise routine of stationary bike (aiming for 30 minutes), weights, 6 different exercises per day, 3 sets each, and of course Surya Namaskar (I am at 81 reps, working towards 108)

    What else can I do? I can only change myself so I can be surrounded by happier environment.

    I feel sorry for my Dad.
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2016
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The only thing you can do is be the best daughter you can to your father. You cannot be responsible for his moods and behavior. He should get a medical exam to make sure that there are no conditions like high blood pressure/blood sugar which can cause irritability. And if he is retired then getting involved in activities is a good diversion. Beyond that, it's on him.
     
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  3. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree. Now when he complains about things, I am learning to quietly listen.

    I keep a notebook of interactions with various people
    1. What I did right
    2. What I did wrong
    3. How to improve
    4. What I learned.

    When I take notes when interacting with him, I come to conclusion that
    1. I must not talk, or even chatter unnecessarily
    2. Take a challenge to remember things (I forget lot of times, ever since childhood itself!)

    I agree

    Interesting. Diabetes, heart disease runs on family. He survived heart disease, yet he is prediabetic. Blood pressure is fine (it used to be high)

    He loves watching TV only. Politics, Serials, Movies.

    I think you are right.
     
  4. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @ChennaiExpress

    I am sorry for your situation. You should do what you are doing and be best at it. There could be multiple triggers for your dad's unhappiness. It could be peer pressure, social pressure, dwelling in the past often, age could be a factor. You can try and take him for tests if you think that is the case.
    A part of your post looks like mere interpretation. Unless your dad himself compared you with another, you shouldn't bring that on yourself.
    There are multiple positives in your life. One way to make your dad happy is to see and experience what you are doing. If its possible, make him a part of it. I think you both need to heal and you should do it together.
     
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  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    He didn't directly compare me. He was simply admiring. And it is quite admirable. A person already has $$$ and yet she is driven to do more work than most people.

    I wish one day he can see me do my best at Toastmasters.
     
  6. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @ChennaiExpress

    Invite your parents for Toastmasters or any other similar place where your efforts are going into. Introduce them to your friends, peers and let them have a good time. If it helps, try and include them both for a morning run or walk or any other group activity. Let them see how you are training. Sometimes parents find happiness in small things children do for them.
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...you are too hard on yourself .You are also assuming what you think your father is feeling about you.
    Did he compare you...did he say something about this?Why are you assuming this?
    14 hours of work followed by 2 hours working at home does not seem like a fun life. I would not want my daughter to have that life.I would rather my daughter have a job which gives her enough time to live a life.

    Do you think this will make your dad happier?It would not make most parents happy.
    Irrespective of how the professional or personal life of a child is going...seeing a child being a bit child like is a pleasure for a parent.It is a relief that things are fine.If you can smile....things are going in the right direction.

    Op....try to be happy about what you have right now. Your job gives you the time to pursue your passion of painting.It is giving you the time for preparing for the journey to MT Kailash...but most importantly it is giving you time to be around your dad.

    One thing you are doing right is taking care of your health. There is no bigger fear than seeing your child unfit and unhealthy. Your father will be very pleased that you are taking care of your self ...even if he finds it hard to express his pleasure.

    Op....seek happiness because there is no greater pleasure than seeing your child happy.
    Cheers Op...Best Wishes.
     
  8. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    No he didn't compare me. I guess I was comparing me.

    I started to cry when I read this part of these wise words. It just touched me.

    Well, I guess this was pertaining to when he first wakes up. When Dad wakes up he is really cranky and upset. So I guess I have to be understandably quiet.

    Then by the time I prepare my special home-made coffee (2 hours after he has woken up), he is happy. Then I can smile and make a joke. I should work on that.

    That is true. I do fall into pattern of seeing glass half empty.

    I do love painting. He like the painting I did of my Late Grandfather the other day. And I wish to circumumbulate Mount Kailash. It has really changed my perspective on WHY to exercise rather than WHO to impress with a physique.

    He is so scared that something would happen with health. I practically cut the unnecessary sugars because of family genes. And if I crave butter, I make sure I get home-made butter (i.e. churn buttermilk)

    I must focus on this. Painting and Toastmasters is a start.
     
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  9. ChennaiExpress

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    I shall try this. Must cajole Dad to come out of the house.
     
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  10. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, You need to stop!!. You cant please everybody at all times. Your dad maybe feeling regret about your first marriage.He cant channelize that regret in right way and hence all this comparison. Being a parent worrying is second nature. But you shud learn to give deaf ear to all comparisons. If you spend every waking hr worrying about this you will be miserable.

    Of course we see Bill Gates, Sudha Murthy, Mark Zuckerberg. But can we replicate their lives in ours. It cant be. Its the same with the lady you mentioned.Nobody can live her life and she cant life somebody else's.

    Not everybody can be similar, If we did the world wud be a very boring place.Even twins wont be similar in personalities. So don't blame yourself. You are doing great by yourself. Only thing you can do is stop paying heed to every negative thing said to you. If you are well into 2-3 yrs out of your first marriage start socializing and dating to find a suitable partner. Don't rush and somebody worthy will come your way.

    Sit down with your dad and tell him you wont be like every other daughter. You are your own person and proud of what you are. You shud also be proud of yourself for what you have done . Coming out of abusive marriage , keeping a govt based job in US and doing so much outside too. Pat yourself on your back. You are an overachiever.Good Luck.
     

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