How To Ignore And Concentrate On My Work

Where are you ?just u n ur husband?
So when u think u can't manage both job and work then u will not.. u handled job before so u can do again ..
Coming to your husband y is he acting like this does he has any work pressure ,job insecurity ,finance,..is this all of sudden or he was like this n u just didnt find out.. it's your second marriage what about him he is insulting u n knows u will take it no matter what bcz of that..

If u feel that of a job n u r not finding one just go do any simple which will hire u right away just to keep u sane n give u time to think and work on job hunt..

 

Dear Happygirl,
I understand your concern but few questions .
You personally dont want to do job now however want to work because your DH thinks you are torpid at home ? or You want to work otherwise ?
When you mean your DH was rude and said you are not doing anything was it in one instance and in anger or is he frequently pointing you out or feels you are not an earning member and not respecting you ?
Did you guys talk about your work plans before wedding ?
Managing work and house hold work will be easy for you as you worked before and I am assuming its just you two @home , so do not think it may be difficult if thats the only apprehension you have .
Also rather than ignoring him , see if you can take his insights on what is he expecting and explain what you want to do ?
If he is abusive or insults you in general , nothing changes even after getting a job apart from you getting some financial independence.So if thats the case you need to fix his mentality first.

 

On behalf of happygirl6
Hi Everyone

I have shared my story before and got some suggestions. I wanted to ask you how to deal with husbands who hurt you psychologically and emotionally . I mean i am doing job search and newly married. If i have to involve in conversation with dh i am scared because he will point out finally that i cant do anything and i am at home. Its been just 1 month i started searching for job and staying in us it is very difficult to get a job on my visa . I am still trying and i hope it will take another 4 months . I have many problems with him in terms of verbal exchange . He doesn't know how to talk and he contradicts on every opinion. He doesn't help me in anything . He says i have to be individual . I had seen a lot of husbands giving support to their wives . I dont know whats wrong with him. Its second marriage for both of us . My in laws are good but this person is a very big problem now. I came from a family where my father worked and my mother took care of house hold . If i get a job will his mind set change . what i observed is he wants a working women and to spend on her own. I was working before marriage but had to quit because of marriage . He knows that very well . Before marriage he spoke very nicely but now if it comes to job matter he will speak in a very rude way . I am suffering from insomnia and depression because of this. In his family all women are working and they are very much money minded than us. My in laws also ask the same thing whenever i call them . Its been only few months of my marriage but i dont know why am i ill treated. If i get a job how can i handle both job and house hold work ?i think job is the best thing which i have to do now . I cry a lot for my state because i am a topper in my college but i am facing mean words from him for my unemployment. What is the use of my studies and achieving medals?? i have some health issues also . Please dont ask me to walk out of this marriage as this is my second one and i dont want to do so.I faced a lot of insults being a divorcee before .People never called me for any pooja and some ladies use to stare at me .Do husbands ill treat their wives without jobs? If i get a job i think surely his attitude will change . But how long ?? Is money very important for relationships to survive ??He doesn't have a saving mentality also . He spends very lavishly and keeps complaining that after i came he is not able to manage expenses. He is such a jerk . I am very patient in my state but i feel like crying very loudly whenever he says you are a non achiever .My dad supports me in this issue and he tells me to get a job quickly . I have a lot of pain in me and i cant share with any one living in states. I call my mom and dad and tell about this . They said you have to adjust and ignore his words . How to ignore his words ?? I am a very sensitive person Imagine my state of mind where i am married once got divorced and my second marriage is going through this . I wanted to have a family and cant make my parents cry again.what should i do?

 

Your husband has serious self esteem issues and being mean to you is the only way he feels better/ superior. He will/would disrespect you even if you were working. So I don’t think a job would change anything. Nevertheless focus on your job search.
The only thing that can help your marriage is for him to gain more self confidence . Can he get help for his speech issues? A lot of us have been bullied as kids, it affects self esteem but one doesn’t take it out on a spouse .

You don’t have to put up with this because this is your second marriage. The failure of your marriage is not reflective of your failure as a human being or individual. Yes, life for a divorcee is not easy, but you have to decide if living with a sadistic person is a better choice.

Would you like me to send you info about groups in the US that help indian victims of abuse ?

 

Now since this thread is started by someone else, I do not know whom to address. But my views.
Irrespective of your 2nd marriage, job searching itself is highly depressing and then life in US, coming from working backeground in India to solitary life in US on dependent and restrictive visa ( non working, I assume u have same) , it feels we get locked, its like blow on self morale. You are not the only women going through this. So do not blame marriage or 2nd marriage to this. It is hard. I have been through it.
About H's behaviour, most men are different. I went through same phase and always feel no help from H. When I came to US, I struggled a lot. I used to fight a lot that he does not encourage me at all but lowers my confidence even more.
H always scolding or teaching me or giving opinion on how to speak, how not to speak, how to write emails or not. I was so low in confidence that I never use to pick phones in front of him or write job emails with him next to me.
His advice used to take me down instead of helping me. Just like your ILs ask you about jobs, my parents always would ask me about jobs and they hurted me more. I feel same unsuppportiveness from my H. Then for work, I used to travel back and forth from job ( working in different city) to home town. Instead of him coming to visit me. He never spoke with his friends or references for my job like many of his collegues did and same preachings to be independent, your dad ( my dad) spoilt me ..this and that.
I was not alone. One of my friends at that time, in same phase of job searching was getting same attitude from her H. However one of other friends H was so pampering that I was jealous. So all are different.
IWe do not get to pick the best from the the lot .. and we can not change them , just live with them. Till now, I feel I struggle more in jobs, I travel more and go far and we live close to his job. Many of my friends would make fun of me when I will pick and drop him from my home to his work in another city and come to my office in another city and its usually men who take care of women. Women empowerment...
Just find job. Once you have job, you will forget everything. If other than job you have no marriage issues, then its nothing.
Go and get out more. I realize we women need more of women talk or women company than men. So find some friends.
Ultimately you will get job, today or tomorrow. So enjoy you marriage now. You are only 4 months into this marriage.

 

Hi happy girl6,
Read your post in the other thread.
I feel first you need to work on yourself.

1) I agree being a bit thick skinned is not easy if you are a sensitive person ,but that is something you have to do as an adult.

When those women did not call you for puja or stared at you,why do you feel bad?Do you think those pathetic women have something better going in their lives?
You think people who are in happy places behave so pathetic?
No they don't.
People who are genuinely happy do not become happy by making others feel miserable.
People who are miserable in their lives try to make others feel miserable so that they feel they are in a better position.

Same with your husband. He has severe inferiority complexes and he is dealing with them by making you feel small so that he doesn't feel more inferior.
The problem is with him .

2) You know that you will have to get a job...not to shut his mouth but for yourself. A job will do you a world of good. Even if work restriction prevents you from getting a job that you feel you deserve,go ahead and look for any thing you can get.

Your apprehension about whether you can manage home and job together is understandable.

Talk to your husband.
Set up an appointment with him when he is free...may be a sunday .Tell him you need to talk . Prepare for this talk in advance . Stand in front of a mirror and practice. You need to do this calmly without getting angry,without getting emotional.

Make a good breakfast . Get ready and look good.
Tell him calmly that you are doing your best to look for a job and his jibes and taunts are not helping the cause so you would like him to stop the jibes and taunts.
Let him know that in any case you are earning your living by taking care of the house and there is no need to make you feel like bad.

ask him why did he make you leave your job if he wanted a working wife? Did he not know about job restriction on your visa? May be he should have looked for a wife with a job visa .

Tell him clearly that you are apprehensive about your workload once you get a job ,so you would like to talk about dividing household work once you get the job. Ask him what all work he would like to contribute at home because you are not going to be a woman who slaves at home and outside. You want his word on how he is going to help.

From your other post it looks like his previous wife had issues because he wanted control of her money.
Let him know you will change once you get a job.
Earning money will make you feel more in control of your life and make you a more confident person. Also ,you will contribute to household expenses but have full control over your money yourself.

See how fast he changes his tune .See how fast he wants you to get a job.

If he blames you for him not having money....look him in the eye and tell him...."you know that is not true.I work and provide you with a home and you provide me with the basics. We are both doing our bit."

Work on yourself girl. Work on your self esteem .
Read up about building self confidence on the internet.

You are beautiful,you are educated,you are capable of financial independence. The only reason you do not have a job presently is because of work restriction. It is not in your hand ...you chin up girl and don't let the people with sad lives and inferiority complexes make you feel bad. Not your husband and not those women who think they are better because they have a husband so they can stare at others.

Op ,it is his second marriage too. He has as much to lose .
You can calmly tell him both of you need to be adults and responsible for the success of this marriage.


Best wishes and hope you soon become a happy girl.