1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

How To Help Abused Mother At The Fag End Of Her Life

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SattvaShambhu, Feb 7, 2017.

  1. SattvaShambhu

    SattvaShambhu New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Everyone!

    I am here because I need your collective wisdom on what I need to do with a problem , I cannot solve on my own . My story is very hard to narrate for me and its even worse for my mother for whom I am here on this forum right now. Let me start with the background. My father is an extremely volatile. For over 30 years of marriage he has been verbally , emotionally and physically abusive towards me and my siblings. As many abusers do , he maintains a very clean image in front of his relatives and does his best to spoil our names ( my mom and siblings ) towards all of his relatives. As a result , no relatives respect us as he has told them a lot of lies about us which they believe. It has been over 15 years since I have spoken to any of our extended relatives due to the humiliation that he has caused to me. I tried to suicide twice and was only saved by my spirituality. He has done everything possible to demean my mother and siblings. Examples of horrible stuff he has done :

    1. He used to abuse alcohol a lot and use the worst language on my mother calling her "whore" , "bitch" ...everyday. Once he got so drunk that he stripped my mother on the road in front of her sister's house . He took out her saree and beat her with chappals.

    2. When I was 18 he was really desperate to go abroad and live the NRI lifestyle. Since his own dreams had failed to go abroad he tried to use us. He taught us since children to hate India and Indian culture calling it a dirty country. He met a mentally unstable british man aged 30 at work. When I was 18 he forced me to go on a date with him . I refused. He pulled me by the hair out of the house and beat me on the road , till i agreed to do what he said. His colleagues who were working with him were so concerned for me and they told me that the guy was a psychopath and mentally unstable. Finally I got the courage and told him to **** off. I was abused very badly after the guy left.

    3. I wanted to study Journalism but he forced me to study engineering in a very bad college so that he could fulfill his NRI dreams . I failed so he sent me at age 19 with very little money to a european country whose language I did not know . When I landed down in that country , he called me every day "you fucking whore bitch , I hope you have started working" . "I want the money that I paid you back in 2 weeks". AFter that he proceeded to tell all his relatives, how I had spent all his money. I was survinvg there by cleaning toilets and working in factories in 12 hr shifts. All my relatives still think that I am a spoilt brat who wasted all his money.

    4. He did the same thing to my other two siblings. When my sister was also sent to another european country with very little money , she was in a phone booth calling me . She was so scared that she pissed in her pants. It still hurts me to think about this.

    5. Once when I was hugging my sister, he told everyone that we are lesbians. That was the day when I stopped speakiing to him and have not spoken to him for 5 years.

    These are just a few examples of his abuse and violence. If I had to fill out all his abuses it could fill out a whole book. He is a nasty , self-obssesed , narcissitic and jealous indicidual. Now back to my mother. WE three siblings could escape his abuse when we left home , but my mother could not. For years she suffered his abuse . She did not have any clothes to wear , her panties were full of holes. She still wore sarees that were given to her by her father in her wedding. She does not have a bank account or any money in her name. She is so afraid of him that she sits in the dark the whole day afraid even to switch on the fan because he will abuse her over the electricity bill. When we were abroad and dealing with our own issues and trying to recover from the abuse, my mother was very badly neglected. She developed schizophrenia due to the abuse. When I came back home from abroad the house was riddled with cockroaches and she was spitting on the wals and abusing herself in the worst words you can imagine. I later found out from my aunt that she had pulled her earring so hard that she tore her ear-lobe when she first started hearing the voices. Instead of helping her , her relatives made fun of her and avoided her , telling everyone that she had caught a "ghost". My father did not even bother to take her to a doctor or look after her in any way. She lives her life like a slave. cooking for him and listening to his abuses. AFter I came , I was shocked at her state. It was all too much to bear and I had become desp[erately sucidal myself. I blamed myself for everything that had happend to my mother. My siblings were also going through their own trauma. I also suspect that my father instructed my mother to add pills in my food , to prove to his relatives that I was mentally unstable. Even after seeing this state of my mother , amazingly none of his relatives blamed him or reproached him. We were given lectures on how ungreatful we were and how we had abandoned our parents. Sure enough , my brother left , because he had tried to suicide by crashing his bike and could not take the abuse of my father anymore. He has never been back. My sister is sufering emotional trauma from what he has done to her. Anyway , due to pills my mother has stopped hearing the voices and she has to be on them lifelong. Sadly , the psychiatrist who saw her died a week after treating my mother.

    When all this was going on I tried my best to rally support for my mother and to get her away from him. All my relatives insulted me and when my mother was quetioned she defended my father and told them that I was the one who abuses her. This I later learnt is very common amongst victims of abuse. They have been abused to such an extent and brainwashed and isolated to such an extent that they truly believe that the abuser is their saviour. Needless to say after my mothers testimony none of the relatives , even her own sister , supported me. Even after they knew all this they told me "father is father, you are just like him and you should talk to him". Well it got to the point that I was on my second suicide attempt , and luckily I discovered my spirituality .

    After that I distanced myself from everyone and live a very happy life in another country.

    However I am tormented by my mother's state. She is old now almost 62. She has severe arthritis in both her knees and high BP. She is still slaving away at his home all day . She is always all alone as no one talks to her. She has no bank account or money of her own. Due to her arthritis she cannot even walk properly she limps.

    I am very depressed and I dont know how to help her. Initally I had thought that the best way to help her would be to have semblance of a relationship with my father so that I could help her. But I had to stop after he tried to get me divorced and abuse my husband. (long story). Right now I have come for a visit to my mom's home, and just staying here and hearing his voice has put me into a deep depression and already I have suicidal thougts all over again. I feel so guilty that I cannot help my mother. I feel so hopeless and so helpless. I feel so miserable that she has lived her whole life like a slave , getting the worst physical and verbal abuse imaginable. And in the fag end of her life, still I am unable to help her .I feel so miserable. Please tell me what I can do in this situation

    Note: I have tried all legal action and it has backfired because my father is very rich. My own mother nor my relatives will speak against him and that is out of the question.
     
    Loading...

  2. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    222
    Likes Received:
    171
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    very sorry to know your story.. i still couldn't believe that people like ur father do exist.
    is there any way u can get other siblings together and talk to ur mom. try to make her continue treatment and if its done, u can take her to foreign along with u.
    if that doesn't work, then u can come down to india to take care of her. i feel like the only way is to talk ur mother and persuade her to come with u.
    my prayers are with u and ur mother.
    may be other friends would suggest better. hang on there.
     
  3. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    141
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    What stops you from taking your mom away from your father, and to your house?.
    5 yrs time where you didnt talk to your dad, but also were not able to take care of your mom has taken a toll on her health. sorry to say but what your relatives talk about abandoning parents is true to some extent.
    You have to be strong and brave, stop feeling sad abt your dad abuses, think he is not in his senses. Instead of feeling sad, just ask him to shut his mouth and make him shut his mouth.

    why does relatives come into picture here. ? tell them to mind their own business.

    your mom trusts you or no ? when she talked supporting your dad, you would have shown the report from psychiatrist.
    go take some women's association help.
    show the medical health condition of your mom. tell them abt your father physical abuse and take her with you?.


     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2017
  4. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    141
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    There is no use of thinking about what you were not able to do in past. I know we all feel that way, But make a correct decision now.
    You are well settled now, have money. so atleast now make a proper plan and implement.

    Brainwash your mom a lot, so that she again dont take your dad side . take her to counselling.

     
  5. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    745
    Likes Received:
    665
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    OMG ! I dont know how you all put up with such a life ! Am so sorry to hear what you and your mom went through.
    Is it possible to get your mom with you on the pretext of you needing her help ? You can suggest that a maid/housekeeper/cook could take care of your dad in her absence.
    Once she is with you, you can help her to gain confidence.
    Basically she has to move away from the toxic ambience to think clearly. She also needs a pillar to lean on atleast during the initial days so she can stand on her own.

    Please take any steps you can to get her out of that hell first ! Please let us know what you did or planning to do. Others might be able to share their wisdom to do things better !

    All the very Best !
     
  6. SattvaShambhu

    SattvaShambhu New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you all for your replies. Its not possible for me to take her out of the house as she has a trauma bonding with him. He has isolated her from her whole family including us , her hchildren. he is a malignant narcissist. hes very manipulative and sneaky. he has also succeeded in ddestroying the reputations of my mom and us , so that no one in the extended family believes anyting we say. he has saidd so many lies to malign us. in ordder to save myself from going mad and suiciding i had to leave my mom alone. i did not have any option. i dont know how mmany of u have had to face the option in life of saving oyour own life or that of your mothers. its dangerous for me to stay here too . he is capaable oof anytbiing. now imm crying everydday because i dont hae any way of saving her. he gets very jealous if we talk to her and he never lets her visit us. shes soo sccaared that she ddoes whaetever he says. there is no one in the family who will help. how can i help her.... i have noticed when externa people are involve that he behaaves himself ,since his reputation is very importnat to him and he needs someone to sccaare him to lay off mmy mom so that she can come and visit us from time to time...but i dont know how to ddo athat ..anyone who has never ddealt with a malignant naarcissit will nevver really know hoow evvil and manipulative aand cruel they can be . i can ssay that all of us haave been giulty of watcching the emootional mmurdder of mmy mmoherr. after yeaars and years of his abuse sshe has given up everything her identity , her friends, her childrren , her mind , her dignity , she has no bank account .she has no money of her own ..he has madde sure that shee depends on him for everthing ...im afraid that when shes sick or not able to walk and is of no use to him he will abuse her even mmore ...sick and vulnerable people give hiim a high ..he enjoys it like a thrill ... and yes im in hell....if i do aanything to help her he startss a smear campaigna gainst me .last time he tried to get me divorced from my husnad ... my husband had to leave the county because he coudnlt bear the draama ...


    I need some solutions that are creaative ....remember ...im playing with mmy life ...he can do anything ..this articcle will give u more insight on his beahvior :How to tackle the self-conceited - Times of India
     
  7. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,171
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    He sent 3 children to Europe to study ? Wow..
    Which countries did they go to ? What was the amount of money they were able to bring along ?
    And what kind of visa were they on when they went abroad ?

    You concede that you aren't of much help. So why not bide your time, until you ARE.
     
  8. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    273
    Likes Received:
    311
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I am going to be really straightforward here. Please ignore if you do not like what I wrote here.

    You and your siblings are as responsible for your mother's current state as your father is. In all these years, none of you moved back to India to take care of her. One of you could have moved to India, and moved her in with you. Or you could have taken turns. If your dad had troubled your mom again while living with you, she could have filed a police case against him (and may be applied for divorce too). That way, she could have gotten her share of the property, stayed safe and away from all his abuses.

    What do you think she could have done? When none of you were by her side? You still are worried about how your dad might seperate you from your husband. Let your husband know everything about your father. Do not hide anything from him. When he knows the truth, he would probably be able to handle your dad's dramas better.

    Why doesn't your mom have a bank account? It just takes half a day to open a bank account in India, in one of the private banks atleast. All you need is someone who already has an account in that branch to introduce you. Why cant each of you deposit some money everymonth in that account everymonth?

    And regarding her torn sarees and panties, if not your father, atleast the other women in the house should have taken care of buying her some new clothes. These days, you can order stuff from any where in the world and get them shipped to your home address.

    Its not too late. I am sorry, but your fathers has to serve jailtime for his behavior towards your mother. File a domestic abuse case against him. What are you waiting for?

    You just need to give enough confidence to your mom that you will be there for her no matter what.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,924
    Likes Received:
    9,533
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    I fully accept that your father was/is fully wronged here. He is a narcissist. Period.
    I really do not know how it would be to live with an abusive parent.
    Generally, I think it wouldn't be that tough for an adult children to kick the abusive father out of the house, or move out of the father's house to fend themselves, with all the education and social knowledge they have.
    Unless they are children, there is absolutely no need to stay under his roof and take all the abuses.

    Secondly a bold - strong child, who takes the brave step of walking out of the house against the abusive father, can only save the poor mom from the violence.
    No matter what, the mothers only hope while bearing all these abuses would be to escape the abusive home with the child's care.
    But when all her 3 kids ran away from the home - no matter how hard their lives may be - the mother was left all alone with no care/support/ or even contact with the loved ones, but to face all the trauma all over again with that abuser.
    This must have made her psychologically sick to this level.

    You guys must have followed up on your mom at least via some reliable relatives. But it is indeed very sad that none of her children could care for her, though knowing that she must be facing loads of trauma all alone.

    Instead, you could have reported the helpline services or any social support system to have an eye on your mom, while leaving her with the abuser.

    Now that you are settled. Your siblings are settled.

    Speak with your mom when she is in good mood, and assure her that you are there for her no matter what.Tell her that you will be ready to take her with you or give her financial support for her own financial independence.
    Save some money in her name, and give a bank pass book/ATM to her saying she could depend on this, in case she is in need.
    Give your phone no and other contact info.
    Get her a phone and teach her how to use it. Call her on a comfortable time (when dad is not around).

    More importantly, speak to a reliable relative. May be her sister.
    Because your mom may not be in a great mental state to understand this. But your aunt may be understanding if you could narrate everything in detail.

    Now that leave all this as it is... Be prepared to help whenever she needs your help
     

Share This Page