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How To Happily Live Alone

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by ChennaiExpress, Jun 30, 2018.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    At this point I feel totally gutted out. Only the few hours I paint per week gives some relief.

    When I was little kid I saw an unhappy house, where parents were fighting all the time.

    I always made stupid mistakes and my Dad would say my future husband would get irritated, or my in-laws wouldn't like.

    That itself planted seeds of hatred for marriage.

    Then, my Dad suffered head injury (in my early 20s), which took a lot of his thinking capabilities away. Still had very good perception, but never learned email text (just now we got new phones, I am making it as user-accessible to him at possible)

    In mid to late twenties we saw lot of matrimonial matches. I didn't like any of them because of this deep seeded hatred. Plus I didn't need them (was educated, making half-decent salary, in USA). Now when I look back 10 years, maybe I could have started friendship/acquaintance with one or two and one of them could have blossomed into healthy marriage.

    In early 30s we look for match in India. 15 hours of initial Heaven (just the flight to India) turned into perpetual Hell that I am still coming to terms with. I brushed off people ignoring me, and not having decency to show me clean bathroom and offer me a simple cup of coffee as a language barrier, but now I know much better (too little, too late). Yet they had no language barrier when it came to taking money.

    It'll be 6 years since I had arranged rape (this wasn't a marriage, not only was my body misused, but so was my heart and soul), and 4 years since I got away.

    For a while, I was hopeful that I'd get married again. That is when I discovered painting. Now Dad's health seems to be getting worse at a faster rate.

    For past month I struggled to find a decently qualified Neurologist because he's been getting dizziness, numbness. We had Neurologist appointment on Thursday and the front-desk secretary didn't have the decency to tell us she was not in, EVEN AFTER ASKING. Needless to say we are not going there.

    Yesterday I made appointments with three Neurologist who have openings far in advance (hopefully one of them will cancel)

    Plus, I'm trying to understand directions for Dad to prep for a much needed colonoscopy.

    I feel numb. Just wondering what is my purpose in life. I eat healthy, still get Thank God when I get healthy cycles (will turn 39 this year).

    Just wondering if I'll have happily married life with children, or God is keeping this from me due to past sins.
     
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  2. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

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    Oh Chennai express, Pls cheer up. Life is yours. Wholly yours .... in your hand. Past is past. U said uve come out of married life. Do u regret for that? If not, why do you think back? Put a step forward to something new. Make a plan that if u really want a change in life through remarriage, Pls think about it. Take new and fresh steps. But be cautious about the steps u take. I have seen many ppl living happily after second marriage. Since u didn't have kids from prev.married life, that's a plus. Set a goal to find a life partner before u turn 40. Take care of ur papa's health too. My sisters friend got married to an impotent person. After marriage only she came to know about this. Many problems. This ended up in divorce. She got married again. That person was a drunkard. Unfortunately she cud not find out this before getting married. Again she had to undergo a lot of mental stress. Again that was a divorce. Third time she got married. Her third H knows everything about her past life. Now she is having a kid and living peacefully. She is in her early forties. Why Iam telling this is. Still u have life. U r going to live happily forever. So continue ur painting hobby and find happiness through that. If u really have a desire to get remarried Pls take steps. My best wishes.
     
  3. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    You know, even my body feels strange to me.

    I used to be 115lbs, gained 30lbs, now lost 15lbs ..... Dr said cut extra carbs to lose weight, maintain 65g daily.

    Probably I'll start wearing makeup again just to feel good ...

    Of course, I'm 100 times more cautious .... have to make sure I don't get carried away ....

    About your sisters friend ..... my goodness! God Bless her. My {{{hugs}}} to her.

    I'm happy she is in happy point of life now. Wow.
     
  4. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear CE,

    As I read about your life, my heart goes out to you. Sometimes some lives take difficult roads. After some of my own experiences, I have started believing in Karma and I find it easy to accept many happenings in life now.

    Our experiences and circumstances shape our lives. Whether we like it or not, most of us have many unpleasant memories or experiences built into our psyche that are difficult to erase. Our parents (we also as parents) say somethings sometimes to drive some hardpoints and it leaves a dent in sensitive people unbeknown to them. One cannot always live watching every step or word. So as we grow up we must learn to rationalize and grow out of some of our limiting factors. There is no sense in holding on to those painful past incidents. Dr Phil McGraw, an American Psychiatrist says (not his exact words)- whatever is your belief/practice/pain/hurt, ask yourself whether holding on to it works for you. If it works for you/ helps you, go ahead and hold on to it. If not, get rid of it. I have been holding on to this advice as I find it most pragmatic.

    We have this terrible habit of recalling painful events all the time and suffering again and again. Change the paradigm; recall happy past events and re-experience happiness. If we develop this habit, our body, mind and intellect will be far better and the world around also improves. What do you say? Positive affirmations also help.

    While you are the byproduct of your past, please try to be realistic and learn to move on in life for your own good; selfishly shape your self and your future, ensure your past experiences only act as your guidelines but not an all-pervading monster.

    It was a painful bad dream. It is not your mistake. Thank God that you got out of it safely! Try to see the positives that happened instead of the negative experiences. Practice counting your blessings; this fills your heart with hope and positivity.

    Deteriorating health is a part of nature and most people have to go through this cycle. Since you are extremely attached to him and do not have any other diversions, you feel sucked up. Subconsciously, he is your strength and you fear to lose him. Your reactions are normal. Even in the past, I have suggested you to try to wean yourself at least a little, for your own good.

    Some practical approach and a little conscious detachment will help you to stay strong. Here, detachment doesn't mean neglect or distancing but to reduce your emotional dependence and being more self-reliant.

    Perhaps the purpose of your life is to take care of your dad and make his life as comfortable as possible! Maybe, his Karma is so good that he has such a loving daughter!

    Never give up hopes and optimism. Ummeed pe khadi hai zindagi. I have a couple of friends who married really late i.e., in their forties and had normal conception and pregnancy! Ask yourself whether experiencing pregnancy is important or experiencing motherhood is more important to you. If it is motherhood, you may consider becoming a mother through adoption. You can enjoy the pleasures of parenting and shape the life of another being. You can pour all your love into that child and find happiness and purpose in life.

    Consider your choices calmly and proceed with faith in higher power. A panicked mind cannot realise its inner strength.

    Take Care, CE. Be brave and face life as it comes. Challenge your destiny and emerge a winner.
     
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2018
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  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, I was (and am) sensitive. I guess parents (from previous generations) might say such a thing to their child. I remember in Mahabharata from late 80s/ early 90s, a demon brother told her demon sister if she refuses to eat meat, her in-laws would kick her out (I guess this dialogue was added for modern audiences as women were closer in equality to men in ancient India). Of course, this demon sister later became 2nd wife of Bhima.

    I need to practice this exercise.

    I shall try positive affirmations again. Last time I tried, I was lulled into false sense of security, i.e. this abusive marriage. Maybe I was over-anxious and jumped too fast.

    I'd like to imagine my heart as a pink vessel, and I'm filling it with flowers :)


    Trying to add computer programming to my hobbies


    Awwwww


    While it would be nice to go through this biological process, love comes from heart. I guess I never experienced motherhood to truly realize love comes from heart rather than biology.


    Thank you :)
     
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2018
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  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Very good advice Geeta. And you are so true ! We keep thinking the one that hurts us more and that make us feel even more miserable .
     
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  7. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @ChennaiExpress,

    This is a great education for the parents. Parents fighting in front of the children causes not only considerable amount of pain and suffering but also creates a strong feeling in the subconscious mind about the wedding. Love is the only language that is palatable to the children and unfortunately, many of us (including myself) cause significant impact in our children. Instead of marriage becoming yet another relationship, it becomes a nightmare even before the relationship starts.

    I read the pain embedded in those words. Instead of speaking the language of love, people speaking the language of money. It is not a trade agreement but it should be an alliance under mutually agreed common goals and ideals.

    It is easier said than done but try and let go your past experiences and enjoy the present moment. Spend the time in growing your career and spending time with your dad who needs your help. Every experience in life is not for causing pain but for learning lessons. This attitude doesn't create new opportunities but gives you the ability to see them.

    Every day life has three segments known as receipt, reaction and response. Going forward receive only what you enjoy in life and anything painful should be undelivered message to your mind. Control your reaction time on everything and try to build strength to let things go and forgive yourself, if you make a mistake. Respond only when it is necessary. Create courage and strength to face the life as it happens and there is a reason why we don't know our past sins. If our memories were filled with such past actions, we won't even start our lives. Luckily only thoughts are gifted to us from our encryption.

    I am sure great days are ahead of you and when it comes, be prepared to receive them with gratitude and humility and put behind everything you have experienced.

    Viswa
     
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Dear madam sister,
    2. Love and happiness can not be outsourced and comes always from within.
    3. You are not alone in this world with the conditions and circumstances that you are beleaguered with.
    4. Matrimony adds in India maximum from people of age above forty and they are NOT feeling gutted out.
    5. First you must learn to fill your mind and think of whatever happiness you had or that which given you joy. The more you fill your mind with those happy thoughts the negative ones will diminish in proportion and might leave you once for all.
    6. There hundreds of single parents and single mothers and even singles enjoy life every moment .
    7. You must run the gallery invite people to your exhibits ; and think of famous painters’ turned from rags to richness!
    That could be your purpose in life and you always been good to your dad . Is blessings will constantly carry you through. Be brave .
    8. You are going to think I repeat think of constructive +ve actions. Biographies of famous single people evidences that they could raise in life after attaing age forty. ABraham Lincon Had all troubles before he could become president of USA, Oprea Winfrey are wonderful examples. With best wishes to your dad and you.
    Cheer up and make moves with faith in God.
    Regards.
    God Bless you.
     
  9. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Right now Veer-Zaara is showing and I am reminded of 2004, when I had my whole life in front of me. Everything was new and fresh. Yet I was haunted by this prospective nightmare.

    Dad wishes he gets better so he can try for matrimonial alliance again. Somehow I fantasize myself being mean to everyone in India. This is not healthy.

    Yet at the same time I dream of the beautiful parts of our culture.

    So correct. It's easy to slip up.


    The three R's. Shall strive to work on this.

    Calm simple moments become great memories. Lot of time when I am helping my Dad and feel good I am thinking this will make good memory.

    I look forward to bright future ahead.
     
  10. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Will try to address all your great points.

    I associated love and happiness when getting on that plane to India. Alas, it came from me.

    Lot of times I feel I am alone with these problems and felt it was my naivety that caused it. Guess we all have our share of the pie of troubles.

    Most people putting Indian matri ads are above 40? Really? Wow......

    Trying to fill my mind with flowers.

    How I'd love to have a gallery, even an art show. I can offer refreshments, and anyone who truly appreciates my painting can purchase for nominal fee. I get rather emotionally attached to my paintings :) What a great purpose to have.

    And I wish Dad gets better. In old age he should relish life, move freely, travel as he wishes.

    And I just read biographies of Abe Lincoln (I heard his wife abused him, lot of children died) and Oprah Winfrey (she really had it rough before she could shine)

    Interesting enough, when I was even more depressed, the local Starbucks had photo of Oprah Winfrey (I think she launched a coffee campaign), and I would remind myself that Oprah went through much much worse.

    Thank you for your kindness
     
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