How To Handle This?

Hi All!!! Happy New Year! At last managed to find sometime. Though I did not post in a while I kept thinking about what was said here.


1. My MIL did help to set up the new apartment when we moved in here. I appreciate her help.

2. I never knew until I posted here that people call family members to help to save money. It makes sense if you are living in Manhattan or California. I thought members of a family help each other and parents seek the knowledge of older people in raising children and may be kids will pick up language etc. We don’t have any money saving scheme here and money is not an issue for us.

3. Your child is solely your responsibility is also new thing for me. I was raised by my grandparents until 5. After that, my grand mother stayed with us and played an important role in my growing years. Societies change, attitudes change and people change. I realize that now.

4. I realized that my MIL was hyping her house management skills. I have not seen any correlation between talk and actions. I don’t know why she wanted to take my child with her after he turns 2. FYI, We have no plans of sending the child anywhere. I keep analyzing things over and over and its like going down the rabbit hole. I am trying to stop this as I feel no good will ever come out of it.

5. If some educated women and working women do not realize how disruption of work at unexpected intervals on a daily basis effects a working person, I realized my MIL will have no understanding of it either. The only person that could have made her understand would have been her son and he has let me down completely.

6. If MIL can ask what she wants for herself, her home, Sil etc I find it rather strange that she got tongue-tied when it comes to asking for extending nanny’s hours. My husband would oblige her wishes readily and it's a different story with me.

7. It’s very true that I should have stood my ground and insisted on certain things. After all, 95% of my household expenses come out of my pocket.

8. Looking back, I was worried that it would make the relationship between my husband and I would get worse. I was trying to avoid his partial silent treatment and nonverbal contempt and that gave him power in the relation. The only way I can change it by ignoring.

9. I was in a position of damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I should have done it and got damned. I mean at least I would have had some comfort.

10. This time around, I am not going to make any changes to my current routine. I usually cook in bulk and save for the days I work. Come what may, I am not going to change anything I have been doing for the last couple of months. My MIL will continue to have issues with things I do. She even had an issue with me shaving my head at Tirupati. I guess I should expand the spectrum of things I ignore.

11. I won’t be scared of my husband’s ice king mode. I kinda told him recently that I have done everything I can for this relationship. We did have major issues in the past and but this time I just feel different. IMO, I not calling his parents makes us even. I mean why should I be the only one calling in laws where as he just gets to do what he wants.

12. I have already started to stand my ground. I refused to accompany my husband to India. I heard all the child needs to meet family etc etc. Since my child is my responsibility I will take him when I feel he is ready. I prefer not to drag underweight, developmentally delayed and infection prone child to India. Last time he got sick and I had a rough time. I had to take my husband’s car for servicing and the dealership is 100 miles away and do some Christmas shopping. My husband asked me to take the child and go alone. I refused and took my nanny with me.

13. Since the child has grown comfortable with long drives, I am back to being official chauffeur. I am not going to stretch myself too thin this time. I have taken my inlaws more places than I have taken my parents. In the past, I have taken my inlaws to NYC for a week without husband. I am not going to stress myself over their sightseeing.

14. God gave me the capabilities and opportunity to help others. How much ever of online shaming is going to make me feel bad about going to work half of the year. I know I have made the right decision for myself. I am not going to stay home and bake cookies.

15. For those of you who strongly feel that mother and child should spend every moment together for bonding and taking the child to toilet somehow makes you bond better, I find it rather weird.


Hindsight is always 20/20. If what does not kill you makes you stronger, I would like to think I got stronger after all this. I don’t agree with many thoughts that were mentioned here. I guess different folks, different strokes. I mean there are women who are okay if their husband pays pornstar to cover up the affair (read Melania Trump) and then there are women who would not like their men to watch ****. I sincerely thank all those who read these boring and lengthy posts. You gave me a different perspective and point of views. Most importantly you gave your time, a small part of your life which I can never repay. I will try comeback and post after my MIL’s visit.

 

Let me ask you this.. Have you ever said this to a man? Looks like you feel that women who work should not have children. Let me tell you something. There are people who look at going to work as doing a,b,c tasks to get xyz amount of money. Then there are people who has commitment to work and see more meaning in those a,b,c tasks. There are successful working mothers and they are not doing everything by themselves. There are spouses that support their partner's aspirations irrespective of their gender. I know 4 couples where the husband has decided to stay at home and 2 of those couples are Indian. Does this come as a surprise to you? I guess benevolent patriarchy is here to stay.

 

It's true. People can only see the information I reveal. The devil is in details. There is a lot happened in the last 7 years that I have made my peace with. I don't want to talk about it at this time.

yes. I try my best to ignore the stuff common to most women. There is nothing I can do regarding my MIL's wishes. My parents would continue to oblige her and ask me to keep my mouth shut.

I have called my FIL couple of times and requested him to come here. He has plans for a major undertaking, let's call it a project for next year. Its a major thing and he needs to prepare from now itself. So he can not come. My MIL is not needed here but she likes it here. so she will come. It gives her free time, sightseeing etc. We travel often. The child was doing day trips soon after 6 weeks and his first weekend getaway was when he was 10 week old with our inlaws. My MIL completed whole 7 books of Mahabharath while she was here the last time. She herself says she likes it here. My FIL hates it here. I don't know why they prefer to stay apart. In the past also my MIL would stay with husband while FIL left after sometime. I was living at another place back then. My father advised me not to ask such questions to my husband and apparently such kind of question is not appropriate in our cultural context. This time around, I am going to go easy with sightseeing.

 

oops!!!

 

You are so right. The only thing I can change is myself. I am completely on it with you. I am not going to deviate from what I have been doing. You raised a very valid point which kinda opened my eyes to see the truth in our relation. You mentioned that I could have asked her for help when she was on the phone etc. I did not even think about it. There is a mental block somewhere. I am sure I would have asked my mother if there was such a situation. I realized my freedom with a person who is like a mother to a mother is very very different. I will always keep that in my mind.

Talking to my spouse is useless. He has his positives but he wont like to talk about the negative aspect. Communication requires both parties. I will share some examples - he says he does not see anything wrong if the child does not bond with him. He gets upset if I ask him to use a spoon rather than use his hands though he will be the only one eating the contents of the container. I thinks it's gross. The only way to deal with him I feel is to stratagize. I am implementing a strategy to make him bond with the child with modest success.

I would rather leave my husband than my nanny.. lol... Regarding going out with my husband, we tried this in the past before the child had stranger anxiety or separation anxiety. She would call us to come back within 15-20 mins and we will make our order to go. I doubt that she would handle the child this time. My LO is doing much better with stranger anxiety but separation anxiety is a different story. I wont be comfortable leaving him. He will not go beyond 5 feet from me. He actually runs to me if he sees his father. He does fine with his father when I am not there. As you said low expectations.