How to handle this?

Hi
Whether he is slow or fast, dont interfere or comment,just leave it to him to finish. Never mind when or how he finishes, you mind your chores & go to your job. Slowly he will realise that he has to finish it.
Really it will work.
Have a nice day.
Prema Barani

 

Hi Poly,

I have a suggestion, when you have this kind of husband, you need to shut his mouth first and then you need to bring sense in him, for this prove yourself in a job first. Please see if the below suggestions work for you, this is based on my own trial and error. The whole process I listed below is not a day’s thing but you might get a result eventually…

1. Turn a deaf ear to whatever your husband says, think he is talking to a wall when he gives these comments, now self-confidence is one thing which cannot be found outside but in you itself, you need to build it, try to get confident, think you need to live for your DD and need to be her you are the role model who a can tackle any situation in this world, her future is in your hands. Prepare yourself, make yourself tough, only when you are confident people around you respect you.

2. Before you get a job try to make your daily schedule as you would do when you go for work, try to find out where you can adjust, like getup at 5:00 cook before 7:00, except that you would not go to office don’t do any house work from 8:00 to 5:00, except taking care of DD, try being you DD’s baby sitter at that time think that to be your job, also include time for travelling to work in your schedule, mid you don’t do any household work during your office time or travelling time for you to really get hold of the schedule, rather prepare for your interview etc..

3. Make a meal planner, you can search in google there are loads there, do shopping in the weekend, laundry etc allocate time for each and everything maintain an excel, I mean from brushing till sleeping, when you get used to this schedule it will be easy for you when you go to work.

4. After going to work about 2 months later if your husband makes any comment, show the excel with all the work you do and say (I am sorry for the following line)” you are good for nothing except for talking see how much work I do physically and mentally I am stronger then you so you did better mind your own business.”

5. Now after telling this don’t talk about anything to him and start doing things only for you and your DD, like cook the most simplest food for your husband else make him eat outside, don’t do his laundry, and say this will be a treatment for you because you did not pass your appraisal at home, if he needs his things to be done he has to help else he can take care of himself since he is a great guy and the best of Brahma’s creation.

6. Now for acting in front of others, if he does anything just say with a big smile right in front of everyone “OMG I never knew you could do this, because you are always rooted your system when we don’t have friends at home.

Just a warning, when you follow points 2 to 5 I am sure it will have a lot of counter attack from you husband it is not as easy as typing it here when you do it.. You need to be really hard skinned and tough to fight back for your space in life with your husband… implementing points 3-5 is entirely your option. This is just like having a bitter pill to cure the fever, you have no other option…

But points 1 and 2 will surely help you when you go for work to manage house and work when you don’t have your husband’s support.

All the very best…
Thanks
Malar

 

Dear Polymorphic

I have gone through all these problems. I just want to assure you kids grow very fast and become independant. All your troubles because of young kids will fade very soon. You just be positive and energetic and focus on your kids and career. Don't think anything negative. If you don't expect their won't be disappointment and conflicts. There are lots of tips on net how to be organised, time saving etc. Try to make kids independant so you don't have to worry for every small things. When your kids grow up you will completely forget all this pain.

GL!!

 

Hi Poly,

I can surely understand your situation, as I said just turn a deaf ear to him, a thing which cannot be changed has to be endured or ignored,in your case enduring is very difficult just ignore.

When your husband says shirt is not clean jsut say 'oh is it, the shirt must have forgot to get into the washer pls forgive the shirt." but keep doing your work, if he cribs about it let him keep doing it. If it exceeds your tolerence then give back his own words "As you say this is my capability lower then yours, so go do it yourself to the best of your ability, I can do only this much."

I guess your husband has over confidence, and that has made his behave like this, there are a few who if they move a single stone a 1mm away. they keep talking of it as if they have moved a mountain away.
These kind of people have to be ignored.

Try to make every stepping stone an opportunity..

Al the best dear...

Regards
Malar

 

Poly,
Congratulations on your job! You can do this.

You have two tasks before you..
1.Get a firm footing on ur new job
2. Get Ur DH to share household chores.

Ideally u should be doing this in parallel and they sort of go hand in hand but in your case ur DH is not all that easy to handle. If you try both at the same time ...there could be a lot of ego clashes at home and it wont do good for your work.

So how about handling just 1 and outsourcing every thing that u are not able to manage.
Let me explain.
Come out of the thinking that we should cook 3 meals a day...everything from scratch .
1.Try to buy vegetables which are already cut and cleaned.
2.Get rotis /dosa/idli batter from outside.
3.Once/twice a week order in pizza.
4.Hire cleaners twice a month.
5.Switch from hot breakfast to cereal in the morning.
U serve urs and he does his ..get up in the mornig..get the baby and urself ready and just leave.
Don't worry about ur DH /his breakfast.
6.Cook dinner at home but make it a one-pot meal. ..make sure there are enough leftovers for the next days lunch.
Yes it will be expensive but think of it as an investment and there is another reason why ..

If possible ask ur DH to do chores where time is not a constraint like grocery shopping/cutting vegetables/ laundry on the weekends.
f he complains..dont argue with him ..just say ok since u cannot do and I cannot do. I will buy..../hire maid.
At some point he will realize that he can cut the expenditure in half by contributing even a few hours.
The key is you should not budge.Dont worry about spending money.Just make sure he knows the cost .

Good luck!

Adding more :
If he doesnt help u with laundry dont argue...just do urs and the babys. He will run out of clothes and will be forced to learn how to switch the da** machine on. He needs to realize that things dont get done on their own...someone has to do them and it cannot be u all the time .

 

I like this suggestion. It might work for you. I have seen in the case of another couple where they got a nanny for baby and housework, that husband was continuously questioning what they were paying her (it was $1600 per month, I think) and he really started doing a lot more home chores. Of course it is a different matter that their issue was the wife didnt want to do any housework at all.
I would caution you though that don't let the expenditure rise so much that he starts making comments like 'it is cheaper to have you stay home.'

I also encourage you not to budge in the initial time. If he pushes a lot, another suggestion is always make sure the reason why you cant do *it* -- the laundry, 3 course meal or whatever the work is that he is pushing onto you) is because you have to finish your office work. Keep your laptop open and be in front of it all the time. Since you are in US this is not difficult. Then he cant argue with it.

 

Maybe you can hire a cook and have good cooked for a week. If cooking (major) is taken care of, other chores can be little stressful.

 

OP,
I have a similar - difficult to handle husband.. Well a few tips i can give you from my experience is,
1. dont worry about house being chaotic
2. Prepare everything in advance
3. plan properly

To be more specific: I clean the house only on saturdays and sundays. I plan groceries with lot of ready to eat stuff in that - I get rotis, MTR ready to eat curries. All I do at home is cook rice - once in 2 days. I dont really take much care of my husband and am pretty straight in telling him that he is responsible for his things.

Regarding the child - it is the most difficult part. For the child as well I get lots of fruits such as apple, grapes, strawberries to pack for lunch. Also sandwiches are quicker to prepare. I pack my son's lunch the previous night.

There are many days I eat outside. While getting back home, I pick up my son and we finish our dinner outside and just get back home to go to bed.

Lastly, with all the planning things can still go haywire. Its a learning experience.