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How to handle this?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by polymorphic, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Need help friends! I have struggled a lot in married life and now somehow after lots of adjustments from my side I have found peace in my marriage but there is one major factor in my life which is still a big question mark - my career.

    I was a stay at home mom (for almost 2 yrs)and somehow managed to get a job in US. The problem is that being a hi-tech job which requires lots of work and effort I was not able to manage it. I had to quit. My husband thinks I was not able to hold a job but he does not want to adjust his lifestyle in any way. He is not ready to make any sacrifices because he always blames for not managing properly. I used to wake up at 5 (cook for us, for DD daycare stuff, wake her up and get her ready). Even after all this, when I want to leave early to office and ask hubsand to take her to daycare later on, he would not agree). I adjusted a lot since I wanted to somehow keep at the job but he will say angirly - "ok, you go sit there in office only, forget everything at home). I felt so bad.

    My concern now is I need to spend time at work atleast in the initial days at my NEXT job. I dont want to make the same mistake as in my last job. Leaving this job because I was not able to put in more effort has killed my confidence. I was always good at my work and have never been in this kind of situation before. He, on the other hand, keeps on hinting that I run away from challenges. But how do I get him to be more serious abt my work as well and let me follow my dreams. Another thing is, he will always SAY he will support me but when it comes to reality he will have so many excuses. He will do only when it is convenient for him. But my job and my office does not work according to his schedule. How to make him understand and help me on a daily basis so I can go to work.

    PS: He thinks he is an encouraging husband who LETS wife to follow her career(in his own words). But it is upto me to make it a reality. Thats not possible. I am human too. I dont have any help since we are in the US.I noticed this change in him that once i started working he would hint a bit at how much money he is making(he makes double of what i make) so we have to focus on his work more. But job is job, right? because i am getting paid less doesnt mean I dont give in my 110%. Hw to make him understand?
     
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  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    I will be interested to see what replies you receive.
     
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2012
  3. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    OK, here is my suggestion:

    If both the H and the wife want to have a good career, then there should be division and sharing of work in the household. Period. If you wake up in the morning at 5 and cook, then its his duty to get your DD ready and leave her at daycare. You cant do both. After all, you are not superhuman! Tell yourself that you are a normal human being, who has her own limitations.
    For now, let your H judge you of how you are running away from challenges. If I were you, I would not talk about it, I would rather show it in action. If he is proud about himself, let him be. Develop a dont-care attitude and stay focussed. I know its easier said than done. But putting things in practice, is always difficult. You need to toughen yourself up, keep up your spirits and be assertive! Will be tough the first 3 months, and after that, you will see the fruit of your hard work. Good luck, polymorphic!
     
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  4. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks SSC, I am trying to avoid getting into further discussion on this topic because I know he will not accept he could have done more to help me out. Yes, I am trying to develop dont-care attitude. He is proud of himself - yes. But he was working for 20 hrs in the inital 6 months. And he keeps telling me ppl here are very competent. I have not bothered to ask him what he means by that. I am not competent?? Some statements are harsh but i dont let it affect me. Have thick skin now. Yes, I dont have the luxury of working for 15 -20 hrs not bothering abt anyone else. Now, that he has settled into his job I would like him to return the favour but he has started showing sense of superiority (abt his job). On top of this, he keeps on telling me to get job quickly - I think for what?? To replay all this??
     
  5. SSC

    SSC Platinum IL'ite

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    I hear ya, Poly! Its tough to do what you are already doing, and you sure have a lot of tough days coming up, but isnt life all about gearing up for challenges?? You have done well so far, giving your child all the love and priority your LO deserves. Time for you to get on track with your career as well.

    Being a self-motivated person (that too with a proud partner) is not easy. More often than not, when we need it the most, our confidence goes away for a lunch-break. But the point here is you getting back on your career. And like you said, talking/discussing with your H about his responsibilities may/may not help you. If he wanted to understand it the easy way, he would have by now. So this time, take the tough route around. Cook food, get ready and go to work, leaving a note asking him to get your LO ready and drop the kid at day-care. The first few days will be tough, and your heart will be in your mouth. But isnt that the only option you are left with if you want your career graph to rise. Stay calm, relax and concentrate on your job hunt. And this time, let nothing stop you. Good luck!
     
  6. premabarani

    premabarani Gold IL'ite

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    Hi
    I exactly don't know what to tell you, but here are few vsuggestions which I follow with my 2 daughters & my job.
    1.Try to make some comprimeses in your cooking time like with frozen products,ready-mix powders.
    2.Don't bother about messy house- with child & job,concentrate more on your personal care rather than cleaning chores.
    3.Allot some works like packing lunch box, filling water bottles,packing for baby to your hubby ,& make sure he does it.If he delays or doesn't do , don't do it by yourself & show him that you will carry over.Never do it & Don't bother about it.He has to do it, that's all.
    Take whichever suits you.
    Wish you best luck.
    Have a nice day.
    Prema barani
     
  7. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Hmm, I have and want to make it work. Leaving note idea is good but not sure if it will work with him.. He is very over-smart. Sometimes, I feel I should just give up the idea because when I was working he was acting as if I am being selfish and doing it for myself. For all this, I used to drive for 20-25 min, take train and then a bus to get to work in a new country. Whereas he has only less than 10 min drive but drops kid to school on way. Now tat I dont have a job - he is asking me to get one? I dont know whether he is playing mind games. But I am trying to keep my mind focussed on the goal. Yes, it is hard though!
     
  8. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Prema, He is very slow in doing everything and if i ask him to speeden up he gets angry and big arguement will happen (which will slow down more). His reason for doing things slowly - "I do things perfectly". Well, now because of all this now he has started nit-picking on small things like how i dress LO up and how I do her hair and so on. I get so irritated.Have to do everything and hear also. Now, that I am not working he has gone back to the earlier days when i was at home. If i ask foe some help, he bluntly shakes his head - "NO".
     
  9. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    because he is slow in doing things how about assigning things to do in the evening or over the weekend like washing clothes,taking DD out for play/walk,brining DD back from daycare,cut vegetables etc.morning activities you can do in that rush hour and evening activities he can do in his own sweet time.
     
  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Poly ..couple of questions before I can answer..
    Are u in the US?
    What r the timings of ur day care? Until 6?
     

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