How to handle my Materialistic SIL

sathyanjali · Aug 3, 2009

Dear Friends,
My SIL is very very materialistic and bossy. She keeps demanding expensive gifts from us and from our BIL. If we do not buy she creates problems in the family. My Co-sis doesnt get affected much as she stays abroad. My hubby goes abroad on his projects (short-term) often. She comes to my place in his absence and hurts me. My MIL is alright but she is totally biased towards her daughter. She is a cancer patient. So my hubby said it wont be good if we try to show her daughter's true colours, as it might hurt her.
Now my problem is whenever she comes here she teaches bad habits to my son. She tries to play between me and my son. I tried to point out some of her faults to my MIL but I dont know whether she has really understood it or not. Bcos she talks as if she hasnt heard it at all.
My MIL stays in a different town and SIL in a different town and me in Chennai. I had been away from India for a few years. My DH was getting projects in different countries for short term. I did not want to spoil my son's education. So I came back to India for good. But it is turning out to be worse.
My question is Should I tell my MIL about my SIL's lies from the time of my marriage i.e., for the past 10 years.?
or Should I handle her separately without taking these issues to my MIL's knowledge?
However my SIL may be, I feel I should not spoil the mother-daughter relationship... I am totally confused. I need ur responses.

I understand my DH's position very well. He says he doesnt want to hurt his mom as for every parent in their old age, they want their children to be affectionate towards each other.
But I cannot undergo this torture.
My SIL has a criminal mind. My frank and straight forward nature doesnt help me much in handling her. Two weeks ago when she had come here, my son had scored full marks in several subjects. He is in fourth grade and getting full marks is no big deal. She could'nt digest the fact that my son studies well. It was visible from her reaction. My DH accepts that she doesnt want my son to do well in his studies.She has told my MIL that I overload my son with his studies etc.
Sameway she has told that I do not cook at home and I buy food from outside which is a big lie. Cooking is my passion and to be frank that is only one household duty I do regularly with much interest.
My MIL whenevr she talks to me says that I should not force my kid to study cos he has natural intelligence. She also asks what I gave my son for breakfast,lunch blah..blah... I get hurt. I asked my MIL to come here and stay with us (cos that would clear all her doubts). But she refuses to come as my FIL likes to stay only in their hometown. My MIL blindly believes my SIL.

I do not want to hurt my MIL but at the same time I want to make her see her daughter's mistakes. I do not want to hurt anyone and I dont want to break any relationship.

According to my SIL whatever she does is correct and whtever she doesnt do or follow is wrong. I am often criticised for my faith in god. She even criticises me for going to temple often. Me,my hubby and son dont take even cakes on thursdays as it has eggs in it. But whenever she comes over she sees to that I make egg for her and her sons on thursdays. Then she forces my son to take it. I just cannot tolerate it.
Whenever she likes to get something from her parents or her brothers, she uses my name. For instance she says that I commented about her having less number of sarees, less jewels etc.. which are again her lies. I did not tell my MIL all these years as I did not want worry her and spoil her peace of mind.
I wanted to tell about her only when she started playing between me and my son. By that time my MIL fell sick and my DH asked me to tolerate it for his mother's sake.
Now she is crossing her limits. What to do?

Anjali

reshsabu · Aug 3, 2009

Dear Satyanjali,

As you said your MIL blindly trusts her daughter.Also, in the past when you tried pointing out your SIL's mistakes your MIL did not respond and behaved like she didnt even hear that.

Moreover, what your DH said makes senses to me - your MIL is a cancer patient and it is better not to upset her with this kind of thing.

So,in my opinion, you should not discuss these things about your SIL with your MIL. This doesnt mean that you have to just take all the crap from your SIL and put up with her. Instead of convincing your MIL, I think you should talk for yourself directly to your SIL when you have a problem with her.

Some of the things you have mentioned like SIL gossiping that you dont cook and get food from outside instead, you push your son to study too hard etc. Set the expectation clear with everyone that it is nobody's business how you want to educate your son and whether you cook or not.
You dont have to explain these things to anyone ( except your DH ).
If your MIL gets nosey ( because of your SIL bad mouthing you) and asks you questions about what you feed your son, dont give elaborate explainations. Just tell her in a firm tone - "Please dont worry too much about these things - I can take care of it".

sathyanjali · Aug 4, 2009

Resh,
Thank you so much for your reply. I get your point but my SIL is not that easy to deal with. Once I told my SIL not to tell my mistakes to my MIL as she has health problems. Instead my sil can tell me as she is older than me by 11 years.:bonk But the worst happened she has started hurting even more. Her visits have increased. Her stay is not at all pleasant. She invites people without even informing me. She asks me to cook for her guests in a short notice. And she doesnt even help me in kitchen. :help

Suhasini123 · Aug 4, 2009

Dear Anjali,

I went through all the words/points in this post. I am sure its very unpleasant situation for any woman to face and its a pitty that you have been facing such a situation for about 10 years since your marriage. You really need to put a full stop for all these craps/allegations NOW in order to live your rest of the life peacefully.

Let her be materialistic and bossy with her parents or with her OWN family members but she cannot be bossy and demanding with her brothers and not at all with her SILs. You must keep her at her place and you must not entertain any of her talks/comments about you.

If you think your SIL teaches bad habbits to your son, ok... Simply keep your son away from her as much as possible - (you can keep him with you, teach him at nights, tell him stories, or send him to tuitions, classes, temple or to play with other kids whenever your SILs is here -its not that difficult). If she comments anything, tell her its not her business!

If she gosips anything bad about you, let her do that. The people around you and your DH knows you and she very well. They know your passion for cooking and the high scores of your kid very well. Then why to bother about her gosips?

If your MIL asks anything regarding the B'fast or education about your kid, politely tell her that you are the moher of your son and you love him a lot, and hence you take care of him very well. Also casually inform your MIL about the new recepie that you had cooked last night and how your DH and kid enjoyed that. Also you can let your MIL know on how your son was praised by his teachers for his high marks and how possible for him to become a doctor or eng in the future... bla.. bla... bla... These indirect messages would definitely reach that poor soul (your MIL) and hence she will eventually understand you.

Don't rush to your MIL or DH about your SIL's games. First, they will not believe you, and secondly they will lose the trust and respect on you. After all, your SIL is their daughter/sister, you can't expect them to have a quarrel with her to make you calm. So deal with her directly and tactfully.

Good luck

sathyanjali · Aug 5, 2009

Dear Suhasini,
Thank you so much for your response. Till yesterday I had a feeling that I will not be able to handle her and her cunningness. Now I have gained lot of confidence after reading your reply. Yes, why should I be bothered about her gossips when everyone in the family knows me and my nature? I can handle it.

Resh and Suhasini, thank you so much guys )