How To Handle Being Stared At In U.s.?

uk2016 · Aug 29, 2016

Hello all!

Its been several months since we moved to U.S. Out of several tough things I faced, I find being stared at the hardest to handle. This staring is very different from the lecherous stares we face in India. Some stare with jealousy. Most stare because of hatred. There are a few who are super nice. I feel confused. I already have some good memories here. But my everyday life is getting tougher each day. I usually like to take care of things on my own, plus I like to walk. I get stared at when I go to the park, even at my kid's school or when I go grocery shopping. I don't start a conversation with anyone unless they do first and I keep to myself, even within my community which majorly has Indians. Its bothers me a lot when I am stared at for no reason almost everywhere I go. I am seriously considering moving to India since this is affecting my lifestyle.
Has anyone faced something similar before? Need suggestions on how to handle this problem.

RPVAIL · Aug 29, 2016

uk2016,

Not trying to discredit you in anyway. But I find your observations in US very surprising. My experience (nearly two decades) has been totally opposite. No one really cares who you are and I am sure by now people in all corners of US are now used to seeing people from India or similar looking.

Not sure what part of US you are talking about. But why should anyone be jealous of you or show hatred?

uk2016 · Aug 30, 2016

@RPVAIL

A lot has changed all around the world over the past two decades, hasn't it?

I have to disagree with you, because this is happening each and everyday to me. I want people to not care, because I go about doing my business only. But that is not the case. Anywhere I go I am stared at. Yesterday I took my kid to the park and there was intense staring from most Americans there. And that is a park where everyone is welcome, plus Indians visit that place a lot. Some of my kid's teachers just stare at me for no reason when I talk to other teachers.
Why anyone should stare with jealousy - this question is for the ones who stare at me just standing few inches away reeking of that feeling. Even at a grocery store. Same is for the the ones who convey hatred. One can sense the feeling just from the stare, right or wrong?

If I knew why, I wouldn't be posting my problems here. I am finding it hard to handle it, still looking for suggestions.

uk2016 · Aug 30, 2016

I would like to hear some suggestions and experiences from female ILites living in U.S. about this problem. It is undeniable that there are two perspectives to the being stared at problem anywhere in the world. I am heavily leaning towards the reason as plain racism here, but I may be wrong.

blindpup10 · Aug 30, 2016

@uk2016
If you catch someone staring at you.. try smiling at them.
It's just a smile..
People who are staring at you may just smile back or may stop staring.

Don't worry about why they are staring or for what reason.It doesn't matter whatever they think...
Don't let these small things affect your lifestyle.

uk2016 · Aug 30, 2016

@blindpup10:

Thanks for your suggestion! I already tried that, sometimes with success. Sometimes people act very weird, not responding just continue staring, or twist their heads and look again after some time. Because of that I have totally stopped smiling. Its pure torture when that incident is in the back of my head several hours or days after that has happened.

blindpup10 · Aug 30, 2016

@uk2016-
Here's what happened just yesterday- My DH and I went for a hike with our 11-month-old baby. We have nice hiking baby carrier to accommodate my DS. We had taken everything necessary for ourselves and DS for the hike... this was my DS's first hike.. although we have used the hiking carrier several times (my DS is comfortable in the carrier).
Anyways.. we couldn't complete our hike. The min we reached the first viewpoint which was around decent 2.5 miles with a bit of elevation.. we took out our DS from the carrier and rested for a bit. From then on it became very difficult to handle our DS. DS just wanted to be with me and not in the carrier and he started to fuss.
It attracted more attention than needed.. some were friendly.One hiker stopped to make my DS laugh.. he even did jumping jacks! Some said kind words.. like" wow.. your baby made it this far"... there was one particular woman who glared at us like.. "you have no right to be here with a baby". I couldn't shake this woman off at all. This woman's glaring kept bothering me even after we came home.
And then I told myself.. who gives a F*** how she glares. It's not like I could leave my DS or make him less fussy... coz this woman glared.
Even with my DS constantly "wah wahing" I had a good time. It should not matter who cares/ glares or who says what I should do.

The point is- be comfortable in your skin. Be who you are. Have more thick skin and wear a good pair of sunglasses and don't care about what anyone thinks.
Be appropriate in your dressing. I am sure most of the woman are... Do you get stared at if you are with friends or family?
If you are doing everything normal then you have no reason to worry about.

Rihana · Aug 30, 2016

Very unusual that wherever you go, people are staring. And teachers, annoying as they can sometimes be, would not stare at a parent talking to another teacher.

Either you are misinterpreting the looks or there might be something very unusual about you - perhaps dressing, mannerisms or something. Perhaps you could ask a local Indian person, they might have some clue.

uk2016 · Aug 30, 2016

@blindpup10:

I think I am doing everything normal. As far as dressing, I am usually dressed in t shirt and a pair of jeans. Sometimes a stole or a jacket on it depending on the weather. I avoid wearing traditional outfits unless the occasion is something Indian. Yes, I get stared at when I am with friends or family as well.

uk2016 · Aug 30, 2016

@Rihana:

On the contrary, I prepare myself to face the stares everyday when I go out. Its not unusual in my case. I volunteer in a college, mostly women in the department I volunteer. One particular elderly American woman who sits across me stares at me constantly, almost all day long. While my other colleagues are nice, she stares when I walk in, when I walk out every time, when I talk to others about work. I tried talking to her, she would respond, just no expression on her face.
Faced the same while I was at the park few times. Even at Indian restaurants, faced constant staring from Americans seated in nearby tables. I keep my voice deliberately low or don't talk at all to avoid any attention, but it happens anyway.
About the teacher, I usually convey everything about my kid to a specific teacher. There is another on and off teacher, who stands right next to her and just stares. Same expressionless response from her if I talk to her. Or just a one word 'mhmm' rarely. I am not exaggerating here, because it happened. (I was planning on writing about this to the district, but didn't since I was concerned about my kid. Changed his school now)

I am getting the feeling that what I am saying is not believable since it isn't happening to you or may be I am not dealing with it well.