"How to handle a possessive mother-in-law?"

Saddestiny,

Thank you for your reply! I did try to plan things for us to do on certain weekends, but it turns out that now they make sudden plans to come stay with us during weekdays!
When we do decide to go away for a day or two, or do something onour own, they quickly make plans for us for the same week either as soon as we're done with out plans or in that same week in order to "make-up" for not spending time with that instead.
It's pretty sad from my view point, it is like, since me and my husband decided to spend time alone, we have to make up for it and visit them or hv them visit us because they didn't get to come with us.
and before it used to be weekends, but now it is mid week as well!
I don't want to make my husband go thru this drama as he is already stuck in the middle, but how do i tell his parents to stop visiting so much! and that it is okay if we don't call one night (we're expected to call them every night even tho they live 40mins away, if we forget or dont, all hell breaks lose!).

 

Dear everyone,

i ran into this topic by search engine. I really love it. You guys rock. The advice given are really good. Still, I have some incidents in needs for suggestion.

My bf and i are in a committed relationship. we met each other in University where there are many international people. He is Taiwanese but been leaving and moving in many countries. After the school, he asked me to move back to China/ Hong Kong with him. Because of love, I agreed.

His mom and dad are business owners in China, and they have always wanted him to go back, so when they knew he would take me back with him, they reacted (like) happily and welcomed us to go back.

here is totally new for me. First, the language, envi, people, and I have no friends here. When we came, his parents arranged a place for us to stay. We didn't have time for two of us anymore. As he is working with his parents, after work they will come back together. His parents live in another place but very near like 5 mins walking. So after working time, they would come back to our place and ate dinner with us every day.(the maids cook dinner)....every day.

After dinner, his parents always ask him to go back to their place by saying that they need his help for this and that...like cannot turn on the computer...etc. And my bf has to stay until late night like 10-11 pm.

On Sat and Sun, which supposed to be holidays, his parents always take him to so-called a business trip. Earlier, his mom acted like "oh...poor your gf, we should take her with us", but later on, they will say something to hurt my bf like...we are disappointed in you that all you think is having fun with your gf. So my bf told me he felt he was squeezed in the middle.

Up to this time. it has been almost three months. As I was in a period of job searching, recently, his mom suggested him (with good intention, but vicious purposes) that as it is difficult to find a job in China, what about me working in Hong Kong branch (whis is closing down) so that I can apply for HK ID card later. Of course, my bf has to live in China, but me in HK. With every pressure together, my bf agreed with her (my god) He said he wanted to prove to his parents that we are not playing around but working hard, I should go to HK. Of course, time I can see and spend with him will be even less. I totally disagree with his idea. His parents wouldn't feel anything but happy that they can blow me away. The hurting side is us.

Worst comes to worst, there is nothing here to work in HK office as everything mostly in chinese (his company is not international). Besides, it is closing down and they just fired three people. And people here is looking at me like, what is she doing here. And they give me nothing to do and said I should go back to China.

So one of the senior here asked his mom that how to pay me a salary. This senior told me that his mom said she thinks it is difficult to give me salary as it is very few that I can do....... BUT!!! on the same day, my bf called me and said that his mom was told by this senior that she may not be able to give me salary. Now I am so confused.

So now, what should I do? Only thing hanging me here is because i love him. But I feel being smothered in a very awkward situation. And I have no one beside me. Should I go to another place where i belong? What will you guys do if you were me?

It would be so bad to have two-faced MIL/FIL.

 

I would simply move out to somewhere I belong to or where I can have a happy career.. if I were you !

Since you havent mentioned about marriage yet in the near future.. just move out and build a career first..

Why do you want to change your parents-in-laws before marriage.. Leave it to your BF to do it.. I wouldnt care much about a 2 faced parents-in-law for now.. if I were you !

Move on.. If this relationship has to go for marriage or for a long term, It owuld no matter what ! So, give it its time.. and build a career first.

 

For eg, if she obsesses about food and wants to cook for him, don’t fret. Throw in the towel (and your giant size I-can-also-cook-well ego) and ask her to cook for you as well. Not only do you save yourself the hassle of cooking (God knows that we modern women consider cooking to be the bane of our existence) but also get a well cooked meal as a bonus.

My experience: she was/is more than happy to do it and now if I want to cook for my husband she feels I am getting into her territory and she refuses to eat the food I cook; two cookings same home I gave up


Become a sycophant. Instead of berating your mother-in-law for berating you, heap her will loads of praises and keep saying that you want to become just like her. This is going to get you in her good books faster than you can imagine and also keep the relationship with you and your husband argument-free. Over a period of time, she will forget about bad mouthing you ever and at the end of the day, both of you might just have a good relationship with each other.


My Experience: I could not whole heartedly appreciate but gave subtle clues, this gave her more enthusiasm and energy to show me she is always right; its now beyond control


Don’t forget the fact that she carried him for nine troublesome months in her womb (you can be sure that she will not let you or him forget that) and has lived through all him childhood tantrums and put him through school and college to make him the man you love. Appreciate her in public if you can. Remember, that though it is said that though you can fight fire with fire, it is only cold water which douses the biggest of fires!

My Experience: The out put of her 9 month trouble; is the worst trouble of all; she gave birth and did not teach him how to be a man; he does not work, has no big ambition in life and has grew up to be a shameless man who is ready to live in wife's money, he wants me to take his mother’s role to feed him; when he should be feeding both of us.



Even some great tips won’t work for few beings whom we think are human

 

I dont know if I should be thankful or sad that so may share similar experiences/difficulties with their MIL.
In my relationship for the past 9 years my partners' mother has tried pretty much every trick in the book to make me feel inadequate; in addition to that she constantly demands financial support from my partner (consequently us) which has an enormous impact on the little bit that is left of our relationship.(We barely see eachother - yes you guessed right. He spends most of his free time away at his mum - she needs help and relies on him to provide for her whenever he can...)

I used to blame his mother for all of that...and was certain I became a victim of an evil MIL who finds pleasure in trying to push me out of his life.
but the more I read about other women and what they experience I start to think that the reason why these difficulties exist and why women suffer from their MIL's is because their partner allows that to happen.

I dont think that MIL mean any harm- not always ....but I think that once the MIL knows she can demand certain things and gets them delivered she will continue. In my case I do find myself in a very lonely relationship and that is not her fault.
she may ask for help; she may demand; she may even pressurise or emotionally blackmail her son to get what she wants - however as long as she gets what she wants she will continue to take it - and as long as she gets away with certain things she will do them.
In my case I really become more and more certain that it's my partner's fault for allowing it to happen and for trying to balance. There is no need to balance- alone when he mentoins the word balance I get angry; as it is not about balance. What is there to balance??!!!

I dont understand why so many men are scared of saying no to mum; or stand up for their partner of their choice when needs be?
(and nag about them on their way home in the car and expect us to feel sorry for them for having such a possessive mother...)
Does anyone have an answer to that?

 

hey guys!!well said...your posts are really good...but just wanted to share and get some advice..
i have a similar story..i got married 2 years back.main problem is my mom in law..who is actually a monster in law for me..actually my hubby lost his father at the age of 20 ...and he has been the only son...so he had been taking care of his mother all these years and obivously v much attached to him...ours was an arranged marriage and therfore i had no idea what kind of a nature my m.i.l has.she stays with us only..but only concern is that she never gives us any space in our relationship...imagine eve\n when i was newly wed she always used to accompany us whrever we used to go...be it a late movie or shopping or a dinner...i have never gone out alone with him ...though i desperately wanted to spend time wih him....coz we both are working and hardy get to spend time with each other...i really cudnt say this to my husband that time...coz i thought i was newly wed and this was a v sensitive matter...didnt know how my hubby wud react to it....but she is testing my patience now...and i feel my hubby is also a complete momma;s boy..she keeps bitching about me behind my back and wud always criticize me.as a result my relationship with my hubby also gets strained...my hubby never says anything to me but there is always a change in his behavious...he gets influence by her i feel.worst part is she doesnt speak to me at all..and acts step motherly to me...favours her son and wud only talk to him..if at all anytime i tell my hubby about this then he finds faults in me only saying that its been 2 yrs and still u have not managed to have bonding wth her..i used to be a really fun loving and friendly person...but now i have started going into depression...i always suppress my feelings...coz i feel my hubby wud also not understand me becase he always acts defensive for her...and if all the time she wud complain about me behind my back obviousy he will get infulced by her...please do help me guys...i really want to come out of this...mu hubby is not a bad person...but his mother is v insecure and overpossessive about him as a result never leaves hi.even the smallest of decision he has to take she will be a part to him...i feel sometimes where am i as a wife...where??im lost....dont know what to do...sometimes feel like running away but donno where...im realy broken down inside ...what to do...please do give me fast reply...

 

i got married 10 months back ... went thru usual emotional dramas and showoff dramas of my ils ... for their son , their caste, and their status.

had kept lott of patience, as mine is a love cum arranged marriage.

my mil never spent on me .. she dint even gime any 'nake' for making sweet after marriage. rather she dint allow to make any sweet on my own ... she only did everything .. and just asked me to stand n stir things .. so tht i seems that i made it ... but boasts infront of my dh that she gave expensive things to me. in their caste they keep tht vat savitri n hartalika fast. i did both... but lied to my dh tht i didnot bother to keepn follow their customs .. so she kept those fasts for my dh!! :bonk i just culdnt beleive .. how can a mother observe such fasts for her own son .. where these fasts are supposed to be obsevred by a man wife only!

i had done both the fasts .. and my dh didnot remember and came to me saying tht his mother was saying all this .. i just coolly reminded him abt the rites done during the fast and then it clicked him ...

she bluntly taunts me .. but denies the same infront of fil n dh n bil.. tht she ever passed such comments... my ILs expected me to get up at 6, take bath, prepare tea for them, cook their lunch breakfast...and leave for wrk .. which i cudnt do .. so my mil wud say to her frnds infront me .. tht i want someone to cook for me now .. and do household stuff .. m tired .. then her frdns wud say why dont ur dil do all these things? .. then she wud say to be a good mil .. no .. she doesnt get time .. she already seems to be soo tired .. how can she cook n clean the house after her job ! .. and then says my dh .. tht i dont have manners to wrk and help them ... and that she has to face her frnds asking her all such questions ...

fil says rutt abt my dh's attitude and behaviour n frnds ... but when he around .. says all goodie things to him n pamper him .. and when m not there they say other way round .. tht i keep complaining abt his nature etc etc.

bil says my bro i selfish but he expects eevrything from my dh to be done for him ... bil says i m not materialistic .. but he has an eye on evrything tht my dh wud buy ...

mil has an eye on each and every ornament tht i got in my wedding ... verry cunning she tuk gold from me .. thtwas gifted by her side family ... saying u wud not wear them as u already have so much given to u by ur family ...

expects to be treated like gods by my parents .. my dad had gone to give condolense for my FIL's sister's death. and she served tea to my dad at 2 pm, which was made in the morning and tht too without any snacks or anything...
she never asked for lunch to my dad n uncle and she lied to my dh tht they didnot want to eat anything ... and so i served them tea ..

my dh understood tht she is lying in many things .. spoke to them to an extent ..but they started showing their emotional dependencies on him .. and that he has changed coz he is married and now they r turning old ... etc things enough to make him not to leave them or even go against them....

Regards
Sushma

 

guys im still awaiting for a reply to my post... i need ur help terribly....with my one n only MIL.worst part is im not fortunate like u all to tolerate her for some time only when she is at our place on the contrary she stays with us allways and i have to face her tantrums night and day...worst part is my hubby never realises this...she wud cal him in her room and keep whispering God knows what ...which is a usual thing...i really feel bad about it...if I ask him the topic of discussion he wud says i dont want to bother u for unnecessary things...want u to be happy...but that all the more upsets me..i just keep sulking alone...every whee we go she has to accompany us...that is the worst part...common yar ''u have lived ur life now let us live ours''...God knows how to get rid of all the probs n the probs i mentioned in my earlier post...HELP GUYS...reply is eagerly awaited...:drowning

Moderator - Please see your user cp .

 

guys im not getting any answers to my posts...as advised by the moderator to start a new thread-i aso did that,but i guess that has still not been accepted by the moderator....please help guys...im really looking fwd to u guys...dont have any one else to speak to ...please do post a reply soon...thanx..

 

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Awesome post, my friend. :bonk