"How to handle a possessive mother-in-law?"

I have some issues with a few posters who believe that their MILs are indulging in incest with their husbands. I beg you ladies to please think about this very clearly. The mother-son relationship is not very different from the mother-daughter relationship. How many of us still kiss our mothers, put our heads on our mothers' laps, hug them whenever we feel like it and share everything with them? If a mother was to sit very close to her daughter, gently stroke her hair or hand or back, give her an oil massage (yes, some Moms that I know still give their ADULT daughters oil massages for the hair and even help them wash / bathe their hair whilst naked) or otherwise openly show her affection for her daughter, would we fault it?

Please remember that this is the woman who brought your husband into this world. Hers was the FIRST face that he saw on Earth, and hers was the first voice he heard (even before he was born). Her blood nourished him and kept him alive both as an unborn child and as a tiny, helpless infant. She must have seen him naked as a newborn, a toddler, a preschooler and even as an older child, so she probably does not get the 'gippies' from seeing him naked now as an adult. Even if he will never admit it to his wife, a mother is always a man's first love. Remember that many of us will have sons of our own some day. Please do not cast aspersions on a mother's character and her love for her child. Even if he lives to be a 100, your husband will still be your MIL's little boy. She probably views him in this manner and might not even realize how 'creepy' her actions may be construed by you, his wife.

Give her a chance. And remember that for every man accused of possessing an Oedipus complex aside, we have a woman who exhibits the Electra complex. No one is perfect and even Jocasta & Oedipus did not know that they were mother & son - if they had, their story would probably have been very different. Let us not cheapen a mother's relationship with her child no matter what the provocation - it is against Nature, it is against humanity, it is against God.

JMO.

 

Hi,
I somewhat agree to what you have said and slightly disagree to some points that you have come up with.

I agree to the points when you say that "your DH was born with the flesh and blood of his mother....." She was the first person to see him naked in this world ... etc.. agreed!!!

But don't you think that a mother should disconnect the cord a little bit when their child grows up be it a son/daughter??

When a child (son/daughter) reaches puberty, then they develop their own personality and sexual orientation. After all we are talking about our very own Indian society where a relationship between same sexes is still a matter of taboo. In European society nudism is accepted as a cultural practice. So, there a family comprising of father, mother, daughter and son can walk nude infront of their family members.
But are we being Indians ready to accept this as a social practice which is absolutely normal in other societies?

Hence, to the extent when one's parent's kisses or hugs their adult children is fine. But a mother entering the bathroom when her daughter/son is taking bath or trying to intentionally touch their genitals in various episodes is completely an unjustified act which is not approved by our society. I have spoken with various psychologists in regards to this and each one of them more or less pointed towards "incest" or a serious kind of psychology disorder.

More then, why an MIL does not behave the same way with her daughters?? I have witnessed a lady who only does all these to her son but she is very detached from her daughters. Even when her daughter got married and left the house during "vidaayi" neither did she hug nor did she drop a bit of tears from her eyes. At the same time I am not trying to justify the fact that dropping tears expresses love and affection for anyone!!!

But this is not a normal behavior as per our our Indian society and cultural values.

 

How do you know that the mother was trying to touch her adult child's genitals? Were you also present on the scene and did you witness this with your own two eyes?why didn't the adult child speak up and protest? Why didn't you protest if you did, in fact, witness the incident yourself - this might have cleared the air right on the spot .. And even then, it is easy to misinterpret what you see, esp. if you do not like the mother already.
Also who is to say that openly crying is the ONLY way to express one's love and affection for one's offspring????
A daughter is a daughter all of her life (barring rare instances of abuse / dysfunction). So, even if a daughter marries, she will continue to maintain a close relationship with her mother whereas this is not the case with a son. Hence, the mother sees no reason to raise a hue and cry at her daughter's marriage or go overboard after the wedding, trying to ensure that her daughter will continue to give her the same importance that she did before she married, even though she (daughter) now has a husband and her own family. A MIL rarely views a son-IL as a threat to her daughter's love for her.

In direct contrast, MOST mothers instinctively realize that a son's marriage drastically affects her position in his home and heart. In fact, it is this realization and the resulting insecurity that leads some MILs to "over-compensate" with their sons, leading to further disharmony with their DILs. A lot of behaviors are not normal per Indian culture. But do we respect every aspect of this culture?

 

This is awesome...Malini's article was really wonderful...but as someone else has also posted...its been a year i am married and i havent handled it wel...my mother in law hardly speaks to me....it wasnt just the possessiveness...she was rude to my parents as well...but thats the way she speaks with everyone..and my ego is too much for me to call her up..(she is in india and we in the US)...even though the last time i spoke to her i apologized...but didnt call her ever again...and my husband is very understanding but he loves his mom a lot too.
i dont know what to do...i know the only way out is for me to give her a call and talk like nothings happened..but i feel the situation's worsened too much for that...

 

Malyatha,

First of all this is a public forum and you have absolutely "NO RIGHT ' to be judgemental. Period!

1.You questioned me if I were present at the site when the mother was trying to touch her adult son's genitals ... the answer to this is "YES I was very much present at the site". When YOU have not experienced such a disgusting episode in your life, how on earth do you think you will understand the pain of a wife who witnesses such a behavior?

2."Beeing a child's mother , be it a son/daughter, would you ever sit next to your adult son/daughter and move your fingers exactly on his/her genitals ?? " Is this intentional/unintentional??

3. As a mother would you ever prefer getting into the bathroom to give warm water into the bucket when you know that your son/daughter is already in? Would you not knock the door and ask your child to pass on the bucket outside instead enter the bathroom forcibly trying to give a feel as though this is pretty obvious to see her son naked?? Remember the child here is a 30 years old mature married man.

4.Would you take your child to a dimly lit room, sit next to him by crossing your legs aginst his , whisper into his ears (God knows what they discuss during the whole vacation) and move your fingers aginst his genitals? If this behavior is absolutely normal why would the mother get nervous , get a jerk and move her hands the moment I enter the room and switch on the lights??

5.How do you know that I haven't protested against such a rotten behavior and now giving my MIL a bad name? How do you know that I haven't sorted this out myself by talking to my husband and talking to a few psychologists?

6.How can you comment on my relationship with my IL's?? Have you ever witnessed it?

If you don't like something which is 100% true and prevalent in this society, try to understand instead of humiliating others without knowing who they are and what they might have gone through. I posted my earlier replies to help those ladies who have encountered such a behavior, to save their marriages coz I know how bitter a woman would feel in such scenarios.

Have you ever heard that an MIL does not allow her son and DIL to sleep together? This is a true story of one of my childhood friend's who is on the verge of getting a divorce. Her's is an arranged marriage(her MIL chose her above others) but right from her first night her MIL sleeps in between them(the couple) by crossing her legs with her son. She even followed them to their honeymoon and did the same. When after 5 years of discussion between the 2 families,the couples , protests etc...could not help, the girl's family had to decide to file a case against this. (If you go through some posts here, you will find there are many ladies who have gone through exactly the same behavior and posted here).
Its not that easy Malyatha, to make everything right in this world, just by talking to them and discussing with one's husband or with his families.
Try to be in others shoes to understand why a woman who is also a mother comes to a public forum discussing these issues to look for a probable solution to her woes.

 

I have heard this before too. Happened to my friend's friend.

 

Ladies ,

Each one of us may have disagreements with so many opinions given in this community.. But let us all know for sure that this is not a one-to-one platform !! The main intention of this community is ONLY to be helpful and reach out to everyone in distress.. Rather than a mud fight !
C'mon ladies , all of us here are very responsible individuals and have our own things to worry about. Throwing tantrums at each other here is the last thing any of us want am sure..
I agree that every individual is born with a set of qualites and thinking.. We sometimes wonder why certain things are happening in a particular way to a person. Most of the times it is beyond our thought process. But the cruel fact is it does happen !
I had an Ilite at my place last night and all that we were discussing was why certain unimaginable problems happen to lott of people out there .. and how our hearts go out to them.
It is sometimes that a user feels soo shocked and helpless about one such problem posted that they try to approach the same in their way.. It may sound simply good or weird sometimes too !!

So, the way we put it is as important as the way we take it !!

Ladies , do not pick up old posts unless you are going to contribute positively to that. It is like saying your point when there is an argument at home between two other people about some issue not concerning you at all...

The OP here started off with such noble thoughts and wanting to help. She did not gain anything from writing this and had just good intentions.
How can any of us deviate from something so beautifully chalked and insult the intentions of the OP.. Dont you think.. even a senior with loads of experience would ' hesitate ' to give their words of wisdom if such things prevailed..
What happens at our neighbours may not happen in our house .. so if we could understand we must else just better off wondering.
Do not splash the mud accross as it gets on to your face as well.. Please.

P.S - Please do not make any mods or super mods " edit " your thoughts.. Rather do it before putting it out here ..

 

No, I wasn't being judgmental at all or trying to humiliate you. You asked some questions, I was responding to them. When you post on a public forum, you get different viewpoints. Just because I was urging you to look at things from a different perspective does not mean that I am attempting to humiliate you.

What I was trying to tell you is that what you state is highly unnatural in *any* culture. While incest is more common than we would acknowledge it to be, it very rarely takes the form of sexual incest in the case of a mother and a son. I say this as a student of Psychology. Mother-son incest is *usually* emotional in nature, whereas the abuse involving a father-daughter is more often sexual than emotional. "Usually", mind you, not "always".

This was why I was asking you to see (before your explicit post above) if your MIL's behavior towards your husband could be explained in any other way? Even scientific theories can be refuted and explained in different ways, and alternative theories and hypotheses always proposed - that was my ONLY point. This does not mean that I do not understand how disgusting, humiliating and painful it would be for the wife, if the MIL was well and truly attempting to get sexual with her own son! I do empathize with wives that are truly in such a difficult situation, even though as you mention, I am very lucky to have never experienced it in my own life!

I am a little concerned here. If you cannot talk to your Hubby, or if he is not receptive towards your concerns, how can you effectively solve this problem? You need your husband's complete cooperation to permanently resolve this issue. If he refuses to cooperate, then you don't just have a MIL problem; you also have a hubby problem. Talking to psychologists to get validation and/or giving the woman a bad name in your community and family may give you temporary relief, but it is not a permanent solution.

The only permanent solution is your husband stepping up to the plate, acknowledging that there IS a problem and telling his mother to cut if out. This was why I asked if the adult child in question (your husband) spoke up about his mother's unnatural actions on the spot? If he does not do this, your bitterness and anger at the situation, coupled with your husband's complacence, will ruin YOUR peace of mind and YOUR marriage.

Secondly, the reason I asked if you actually witnessed these incidents is because if you did, YOU should have spoken up on the spot, even if your husband does not. Not only does this clear the air on the spot -- if she is really misbehaving, then she should and will be called on it -- but also you will have the satisfaction of letting her know that you are aware of what she's up to and will not tolerate such actions or be a silent spectator. MIL may not be quite so inclined to pull such stunts in the future, if you speak up and protest, as and when necessary.

Has your husband ever acknowledged your concerns and admitted that his mother's behavior is making him equally uncomfortable? I hope that he works WITH you to see how you (as a couple) could tackle this in the future (if there should be a recurrence of such behavior on her part again).

JMO and Good Luck!

 

Hi everyone,

I am a young newly wed and have been married for 2 months and am already having problems with my Parents in law. My husband is their only son and naturally they are very attached and possessive about him. They expect us to go see them and live with them 5 out of 7 days a week, they live an hour away. They suggest tht we leave our home and stay with them for weekdays so then we can hv weekends to go back to our home and enjoy (but those are the only days we'll have then to take care of our home). They keep mentioning how its so unfortunate that they bought my hubby a diff home and now he doesnt want to live with them, but this happened before the marriage that he used to live in a separate house. They want us to call them 3times everyday to tell them our updates and plans for that day. If we miss one phone call all hell breaks lose and they get really angry with us. When we do what they say however, and go visit them, they act as if nothing was ever wrong and if it does come up it is always blamed on us mainly my husband and they still yell at him and treat him like a teenage boy. They tell him he is not allowed to talk back to them, not allowed to raise his voice, and has to do everything they say because they are the parents and are always right. He isnt allowed to show any emotions of anger or furstration because as a son he should just comply with what they tell him, which means leave his own home and worries and live with them and take care of their house. I don;t know what to do, I have always lived alone and even my parents know that it's okay to not call everyday. I am having a hard time adjusting...any advice? My husband keeps saying he will just say stuff back once and for all and end his relationship with his parents, but i dont want him to do that as he is the only son and i know its not the best way to go about it. Any suggestions or advice is appreciated!!
Thankyou.

 

rinksimran,

Congrats on your marriage firstly !

Your DH should stand up for himself and speak to his parents. He is a son and not slave to obey all the orders. He has a wife and certain duties too as husband. So his parents should let him to "wean" away from them in healthy manner. That said, this is not severing away from Mom and Dad.

It is GROWING UP into a MAN and taking charge of his marriage and wife. Its good to have family support and people living closer but they should'nt SMOTHER their son.

Slowly cut down the activities and meet ups. Like go out of town on every other weekend and gradually WEAN away from them. Doing something abruptly will only cause pain on both sides. Moreover its common sense that newly weds want to be left alone. Oddly though lot of parents hover around them even after marriage and never give them the space they need to know each other too !

True its their son. But if they want to baby him 24/7 and not let him have life of his own aside parents, why get him married in the first place and inconvenience the new DIL?

Let him tell them and draw a line in due course of time, in appropriate and gentle manner without offending anyone.

Take care,
Best.