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How to give a smart answer to MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sita2223, Mar 23, 2010.

  1. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I have been married for over a year. DH and I are NOT planning on getting pregnant in the near future. Our relatives keep asking about the good news. I just smile and say not yet. They don't think in the lines of a career woman... to them getting pregnant within 1-2 yrs is the sane thing to do.

    MIL, on the other hand, asks in a very uncomfortable and awkwardly direct way. I am a private person and don't discuss these matters even with my mom, let alone MIL. Is there a polite way to say "Its none of your business". (Please don't think my ILs are asking bcos they want a grandchild..sadly they are not that sweet..they don't even like my DH, courtesy my wicked SIL)
     
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  2. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    hey sita i had that problem too..initially we both decided to have kids after 3 yrs of marriage as we are yound(me and him @24) and as i am a working girl would want to settle in my career first and then baby ..but my mil makes a ppoint to ask me every month as to what happened and why not kids now etc and she went to that extent and asked me to check with doc and thats when i thought of giving it back and asked her why cant she ask her son the same ..and epxlianed her its mutual decision husbadn and wife and further questions can be asked to my dh and not me
     
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  3. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey Lavii,

    Thanks for your quick response. Yes, I too want to settle in my career. I am actually planning on studying while working in the next 2 yrs. So there is no way I can have a baby now.

    My MIL didn't even have the decency to ask me (woman to woman).. she asked my DH on the phone if he was doing 'family planning'. My DH was sooooooo embarrassed :shock: :eek. My DH would have said 'its none of your business'.. but I calmed him down and managed to not give a straight answer.

    But the problem is, we will be going to India next month. What should DH say if she asks him? What should I say if she asks me? I don't want to be rude or vulnerable.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    I would suggest nip it at the bud.

    Tell her we are going to wait 2 yrs and I will tell you if anything changes.

    Straightforward ,no frill no fancy.

    FL.
     
  5. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Foundlove, I too believe that problems are easier to solve in the early stages. But my problem here is... if we give her any direct response, my unmarried younger-than-me SIL will convince my ILs that we are saying 2 yrs because we have been trying to conceive but seem to have medical problem :bang. On many other occasions when we give them a direct answer, SIL used her weird sense of imagination to speculate and come to weird conclusions :crazy thus manipulating my ILs. So we decided its better to give them a vague indirect answer or if possible not even answer.

    We doubt that ILs already started telling our relatives that I might have gone for abortion, because my DHs cousin once kept telling me the negative effects of abortion and kept insisting I don't do it. WHAT? I am not even pregnant or TTC :bonk
     
  6. sangeeta2010

    sangeeta2010 New IL'ite

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    Don't get upset they are asking you each time you meet. Next time, just tell whoever asks you 'We are ttc but bad luck, what to do'?.....Have to face it....:)

    I know it will be a lie but then there will not be further questions. If you try to justify by saying I am trying to build career,study etc etc, there will be lot of unwanted advise and suggestions. And then that will make you feel bad and finally you may flare up or break down. Either way you are at loss because they will just put a 'comma' to their blabbering but will never put a 'full stop' to it.

    So, sometimes you need to lie to remain sane. And who knows your relatives or inlaws may perform puja for you and send you sweets as wishing you good luck!!.............Enjoy that!!........No harm in that.............right???............:rotfl
     
  7. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    What SIL is the head of the household? How come she has so much power?
    You should devlop a thick skin. Just ask your husband to tell them nicely they will be the first one to know. Later every time they ask you don't have to respond just smile.
     
  8. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    @sangeeta - my ILs wouldn't mind spreading negative about me, so they would celebrate if I tell them I have problem TTC. :drowning

    @ars - this is my 2nd thread. If you read my 1st thread, you will come to know about a special species of SIL :bowdown who loves to screw up the rel'ship between her brother and parents. If I am not wrong, she even plays games between MIL and FIL. I pity them for not seeing her true colors and instead fighting among themselves and fighting with their son. SIL has this divide-and-rule policy.

    So far, I have been just giving a smile as an answer and if they insisted I would say 'not yet'. But now MIL has taken to asking my DH in an embarrassingly direct way. If DH answers 'thats personal', BINGO for my SIL.. what a chance to create fights between DH and ILs.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2010
  9. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Even I was in your position until last month..i.e before we decide to be on TTC.

    It is very important for a woman to establish a career and settle in life both financially and mentally before she brings a new life to this world. At the same time, it is purely the decision of both the husband and wife based on their economic, health, age and emotional comfort level.

    Comming to your problem.. The next time when your MIL asks such questions, just tell her that you have decided to postpone your pregnancy until next year or after... due to financial/professional reason. Tell her whatever the reason and time frame clearly, firmly but in a very polite tone.

    If she starts with some unwanted advises, tell her that you have already discussed this matter with your DH and its a mutual agreement. Also you have already consulted medical professionals in this regard, so basically you know what you are doing.

    Please do not tell them that you are TTC and no positive results yet... They will play unwanted drama out of it to hurt your ego...

    Also, ignorance wouldn't help as they will keep on asking this or else will come to a conclusion that you are medically challenged. So, facing them straightly and firmly is the best medicine.

    Good luck
     
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  10. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Take a few from here...
    1) hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
    2) Babies shall come when they're destined to.
    3) We shall soon think on those lines.
    4) Call your DH to room in front of her... come we need to make babies :rotfl.
    5) There was a recent ad in Times Matrimonial.. cut and paste it on your bag to India... that when to have children is a personal choice only between husband and wife and not the extended family.
    6) Pray for me that I reach designation X ASAP so that I can start TTC.
    7) Pray for me that I see almost 50% of tourist destinations before being grounded with a child.

    Use 6 & 7 with discretion, it can be used against you if in future TTC become a hurdle...
     

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