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How To Get Over Hatred Towards Mil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Starkgirl, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Few days back I spoke to my DH, I told him clearly about how I feel about staying with his mom. I made it clear to him that I don’t have issue with taking care of her as long as she leave me alone. I can’t live stressful life like I lived when she was here.
    There are few inputs he gave and asked me to follow Incase if such situation arises:-
    1) ignore, ignore upto one point and then tell her openly and clearly that she cannot behave the way she is behaving.
    2)if she comes to him he will handle her. Eventually this should stop her.
    3)But if this does not work and she continue being the way she is and it impact me mentally then he is ready to move nuclear.
    But since he is only Son , it’s not going to be easy because I know for that we both have to go N number of guilt trips for abandoning the old parents.
    But yes this chat helped me to calm down.
     
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  2. VinuthaS

    VinuthaS Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Dear
    Read your whole thread , MILs are not simply called monster In law . ... their expectations are always opposite to what their DIL is ... it has to be the ulta...
    Let me tell you ... my mom taught me stitch knit, cook, clean ,sing, dance ,religious things... I know more than my MIL even pooja and rituals ... and SIL even worst ... knows nothing( married 2 years before me still) ... so they had issues / jealous because I know things ...
    But received similar treatment like u ...
    This stress not only strained our marriage ( though I said nothing to my DH) She troubled me and told hubby like I did everything. . With all support from SIL ...
    My health was also troubled ...
    Let me not go into more details of mine. .
    Only thing I learnt is to take control on my health both physical and mental ... fix our marriage, fill it with love ...
    Ignore them completely ... avoid them even during Visits to India ... don't let them enter your thoughts ... just to think don't you feel they trouble u and still live peacefully, But you are stressing and thinking about her more than anything. ..
    You have to learn to keep peace may be meditate , yoga ..( these helped me )
    I would suggest if you move back home, still live separate, just give reasons like distance to work or anything or may be another city ...
    All the best
     
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  3. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for this.
    I will keep this in mind and make sure to remember positive things even when things get worse.
    I was too stressed and anxious few weeks back when I realized we might go back but not anymore. I have stopped thinking too much about it, I have started enjoying my life, I have started my studies, currently my goal is to make myself better professionally And personally.
    I used to read lot of books before and recently I started to go back to reading because it always helped me to calm down.
    And as you all said , yes I have supportive husband and one thing I can do here is not to think so much about my Mil and spoil my health, life , relationship with my hubby.
    I will do that .
    Thank you
     
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  4. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    One thing is true like an ILite mentioned above.Whatever you are good at,MILs will not value those,will only try to bring up things that we don't do.

    I feel these MILs are losers because they are only going to lose the care and emotinal attachment from another girl like a daughter. A son can only do so much,but will not be able to cater to the emotional needs.But daughter is actually a blessing. It's okay if they don't create the bond with the DIL,but trying to damage the relationship will work against her in the long run.

    OP,don't feel upset or dejected,your MiL is the loser here.She has lost a good relationship with you and still hasn't realised.You focus on building a good bond with your husband and children.

    And not to forget,your husband has given you realistic options if things don't work out.Hold that man tight,because he seems to be a caring and sensible husband.
     
  5. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Once in between argument I asked him the same, he replied “ of course I take it, since they are your parents I am ready for that and even you should for some extent ” but I know that it is easy to say because he knows such situation he never has to face.
     
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  6. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Yes , it’s so true.
    I did so much for her , still doing it... not because I have to but because I want to, I want to give my 100% to this relationship but it does not mean that she can take me for granted and behave as she wish.

    When she wanted to come to US, I only asked DH to book tickets for her since FIL was not ready to sponsor, when she said she is getting bored , every day I took her out for walk, malls, restaurants wherever she likes to go.
    I planned for small small vacation so that she can look around places, I asked her every day if she likes to eat something n I prepared it for her, I never asked or expected her to work when she visited , I wanted her to relax enjoy her time with Dh and me but sadly she did not.... all she found is fault in me, unfit to her golden son.
    If for a second also she thought , I am also someone’s kid, I shouldn’t say such things, shouldn’t behave like this, should atleast try to be nice when the other person is nice .... she would have gotten all the respect and love from me.
     
  7. iamsrihere

    iamsrihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Firstly I learnt a biggest lesson,don't over pamper anyone,they don't think that it is out of love and good thoughts but think that they are superior and deserve to be pampered. And I think this applies to every relationship except parents, but even with parents I have heard of stories where relationships have been sour. Even with kids, over pampering spoils them. Even with spouses,they take the other one for granted if pampered way too much.

    So DONT OVER PAMPER ANYONE.JUST DO YOUR DUTY.YOU WILL BE VALUED!
     
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  8. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    I will keep this in mind.
    Thank you
     
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  9. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    This is golden advice !!! Something I realized from experience !
     
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  10. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    So I went through this when my IL’s would visit . I wanted give my 100 % to this relationship like you did. MIL would mostly be quiet and neutral to anything I made or did. And I was perfectly ok with that. The only communication that FIL and me would have was him criticizing something I made or something I did. So over the years I realized that even if I was a rocket scientist that went to MARS or whipped up a Michelin star worthy restaurant meal FIL could still point something negative.So I decided to scale down on my efforts , give less % to the relationship and voila , I was much happier . I can actually find lots of humor in our relationship dynamics now.
    A person that is highly critical of you and does not think you are good enough does not deserve 100 %. Period.

    Also don’t wait for things to get worse and your anxiety levels to be sky high before you decide to live separately from the IL’s in India. Why even give a chance for things to get that bad ? Living separately may make you resent your MIL less. So do let your husband know that this will be better in the long run. In fact it’s more tricky to move out once you have lived together.



     
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