How To Get Over Hatred Towards Mil

Starkgirl · Mar 22, 2018

Hi,

As you all know, my Mil is named for her frequent outbursts. Even though she was good to me but I remember those times when she treated me like s**t! I can’t get rid of these thoughts,sometime even the random things remind me of those situation and make my blood boil.
Before marriage I was never like this, I never held on to grudge , even when ppl were rude to me I used to forget and forgive them but now I don’t know why ...: I can’t get it out of my head.
It’s not that I haven’t a tried , i am trying so much to stop these thoughts, i realized sitting idle makes my mind to think and remember those things so I have started my studies, going to library frequently, cooking more basically keeping myself busy .. but sometime it does es not work.
So thought of writing all those scenarios here in hope that getting it of my chest will ease my mind.

1. It started right after my wedding when she asked me to sew, I don’t know sewing so I told her the same , she did not like it and said “if I knew you don’t know sewing I never would have chosen you as DIl ( this happened within just 2 days after my wedding)

2. I take afternoon nap, when she came here to visit us , she did not like it ... so she used to sit angry , grumpy for days and when DH asked she said “your wife doesn’t do any work, she sleeps in the afternoon” reality is I used to do all the cooking, cleaning and she used to sit whole day without doing anything.

3. She came to know about the severity of my anxiety and depression and she cried to my DH “your life is spoiled now because you married that girl “

4. When she came to US, she shopped so much , I never questioned her because it’s not my place but one day out of the blue she complained to DH that” your wife does not want me to shop with your money”
When DH asked how do you know, her reply was “ she just know” and fought with DH because DH did not believe her.

5. I wanted to prepare my style chicken curry so asked DH to get chicken and when I started cooking she asked me to prepare some other curry but i told her I am craving for this curry so next time I will prepare the curry she likes , she got angry and when DH came she complained and fought with us

6. DH used to help me in kitchen, so one day she told DH” you are becoming joru ka gulaam, no need to love your wife so much”

7. Me and DH sometime eat food from each other plates, one day she told DH “aise kisi kisi ke plate se mat kha”

8.she asked for gold from my parents, when my parents declined, there was big fight... she shouted and in turn even my dad scolded her... after sometime she complained to DH that my dad was rude even when she was nice to him.

9.she bad mouth my parents every chance she gets
10.she complains to SIl that DH takes my side and take out her hatred on me sometime for no reason.
11. She gets angry if by mistake I get up even 5 minutes late, cook not as she wants, if I cook not by her time, if I sleep in afternoon, if I don’t go to gym with her, if I don’t learn to sew, if DH takes me out instead of her, if DH supports me when she is wrong,even if I sit for five minutes and sometime when the stress gets too much and my anxiety comes she gets angry....

Sometime for no apparent reason she is angry especially with me and everyone in the family knows it and admitted it but they don’t want to do anything about it.

Starkgirl · Mar 22, 2018

I suffered so much because of her, I can’t even explain. The constant stress got me and when my anxiety came knocking and my life was literally hell.
My anxiety is something which I can’t hide, because it not only emotional sometime it’s physical too...
Along with mental trauma ,I had to suffer physical symptoms of my anxiety, I used to puke whatever I eat even water, I couldn’t breathe, used to get severe chest pain, sometime whole body shivering. There were days when I stopped eating sleeping... even getting out of bed used to be so much struggle.
And I think these suffering made me hate her so much, I just can’t forgive her for not being kind to me when I needed it the most.

Sapna56 · Mar 22, 2018

Dear OP
Is your MIL visiting you in US. How long will she be with you?
What i see from your post is very general MIL behavior. My MIL was no different than what you mentioned.
The more you will get muddy with them, the more they will like.
I too suffered with such problems when my mil was with us. I kind of just tried let it go as its a matter of few months when they are here.
Also the idea is do whatever you wish but silently.
Keep conversations limited. Don't react. If you are angry just walk off. Be in kitchen only for limited time and come to bedroom and lock the door. When you get suggestions which you don't agree, say yes but follow what your mind says.
Hang out with friends, follow some hobby/activity to keep you engaged. Try to be away from MIL as much time as you could.Try to step out from your house for sometime as that change is very much needed. If you want to get something done the way you wish, do it through your DH. Don't say openly that its YOU who want it to happen this way.

Sandycandy · Mar 22, 2018

Do you think it’s time for you to speak to a counselor or a friend and get all these negative emotions out ? Or maybe start a blog or a journal ?
Extreme dislike for anyone is never productive. Waste of precious time and energy while the other person is blissfully unaware . Don’t let hatred for MIL define your life.

iamsrihere · Mar 22, 2018

1.Not anywhere in your post have you mentioned anything negative about your husband. Infact you have mentioned about instances where he supported you. Your husband is going to be your LIFE PARTNER and not your MIL.
2.And I believe you dont live with her, but out of country.
3.In your case, your MIL is outright rude, so it helps for youR husband to know who's right. but there are MILs around the world,who show 2 faces, like act good in front of the son and quarrel with DIL in his absence.

Can you ask yourself why you are letting your MIL, the person who you hate,of all people on earth, to control your mind when she stays miles and miles away from you ? Think of this as a self inflicting pain for your poor body and mind. Come on , you body and mind deserve much better and not these negativities. If you think staying idle makes you think of her, keep yourself occupied and always think about your well being. And if you still have to control your mind, and failed, try getting help like counseling & medication.

If you think , it is easy for me to say all these, and difficult to implement, let me tell you that I have gone through my share of issues, and I live with in-laws. So on and off I have my own issues. We just have to learn to deal with our issues,but never inflict pain to your body and mind. Thats not why our parents raised us with good health nutrition and love.

radv · Mar 22, 2018

OP you are not going to like what I have to say. Though it will make you think - so here is my take on your points

1) your MIL expected you know sewing. It is a fact you don’t know how to sew. You told her. Matter finished. Nowadays we get almost everything readymade.
2) everyone is different. She is not able to accept it - it is not your problem. You have continued to take afternoon nap. So where is the problem.
3) Do you believe your husband’s life is spoiled?
4) Your husband replied. Period.
5) You made chicken the way you wanted. Over.
6) has your husband stopped helping you in the kitchen?
7) Has he stopped eating from your plate?
8) Your father replied. Why are you holding on to it?

She is not living with you but you are making her live in your head. Why?
She said once, by remembering you are making it thousand times.

Reading your post gives impression as if you are living your life around her.
Take charge of your life. There are many better things to do.

Joyoflife · Mar 22, 2018

Op your anxiety seems the bigger issue thn MIL. Do not ignore it. Do seek professional help asap. Your life is precious, it gets hard to overcome so much of hatred on our own. Try to join a good meditation group. But do not under estimate therapy or other medical help for anxiety and stress.

Starkgirl · Mar 22, 2018

Thank you ladies for your honest reply, I really appreciate it.
I agree to most of all your points, I like to add in some more here, not to justify but to let you ladies know where I am coming from.
Yes,MIl does not stay with us as of now but there is slight possibility right now that we might go back to India and this possibility has opened up all these emotions.
Not only hatred but fear too ... to live a life with anxiety is tough but to live a life with anxiety along with MIL is way too overwhelming for me and since now there is a possibility that we might go back, you can say that I am s**t scared.
As I have mentioned here, I do suffer from anxiety and this anxiety is not something new, I am suffering from past decade and during initial years, I used to get super anxious during exams, not in a healthy way but anxiety used to be so much that sometime I used to speculate suicide because of extreme mental torture but of course I can’t do that so in order to survive, unknowingly I developed this coping mechanism where in I used to imagine exam in my head so much till I am no more scared(during those times my parents did not believe that I have issue and I was very young to understand that I have issue)
And now, suddenly my mind realized ter is danger in future so to prepare it for the worst, it is forcing me imagine all kind of situation and how I am going to handle it. And along with it comes the bitter memories and anger towards the person who is causing it.
I know this is not healthy and believe me I am doing everything I can to get rid of these thoughts.
I have started studying so that whenever I get free time I can start doing that instead of thinking unnecessary things and it is helping me but ter comes a time when i just can’t stop these so that is why I thought if I can write here may be it might help me to get it out of my chest.

shravs3 · Mar 22, 2018

radv said: ↑

OP you are not going to like what I have to say. Though it will make you think - so here is my take on your points

1) your MIL expected you know sewing. It is a fact you don’t know how to sew. You told her. Matter finished. Nowadays we get almost everything readymade.
2) everyone is different. She is not able to accept it - it is not your problem. You have continued to take afternoon nap. So where is the problem.
3) Do you believe your husband’s life is spoiled?
4) Your husband replied. Period.
5) You made chicken the way you wanted. Over.
6) has your husband stopped helping you in the kitchen?
7) Has he stopped eating from your plate?
8) Your father replied. Why are you holding on to it?

She is not living with you but you are making her live in your head. Why?
She said once, by remembering you are making it thousand times.

Reading your post gives impression as if you are living your life around her.
Take charge of your life. There are many better things to do.
Click to expand...

@Starkgirl This is so true ! And she might stay only for few months with you so don’t bother much when she is around ! Since your husband is supportive to you tats your biggest gift you need not worry about mil !

Sandycandy · Mar 22, 2018

Even if you move back to India can you insist on not staying with the MIL ? Close by maybe but not in the same house? Considering how this affects you , convince the husband. Would that help you calm down ?
Also start by making sure you seek help for your anxiety issues. That is definitely making this whole thing seem worse than it actually is.
Please Take care !

Starkgirl said: ↑

Thank you ladies for your honest reply, I really appreciate it.
I agree to most of all your points, I like to add in some more here, not to justify but to let you ladies know where I am coming from.
Yes,MIl does not stay with us as of now but there is slight possibility right now that we might go back to India and this possibility has opened up all these emotions.
Not only hatred but fear too ... to live a life with anxiety is tough but to live a life with anxiety along with MIL is way too overwhelming for me and since now there is a possibility that we might go back, you can say that I am s**t scared.
As I have mentioned here, I do suffer from anxiety and this anxiety is not something new, I am suffering from past decade and during initial years, I used to get super anxious during exams, not in a healthy way but anxiety used to be so much that sometime I used to speculate suicide because of extreme mental torture but of course I can’t do that so in order to survive, unknowingly I developed this coping mechanism where in I used to imagine exam in my head so much till I am no more scared(during those times my parents did not believe that I have issue and I was very young to understand that I have issue)
And now, suddenly my mind realized ter is danger in future so to prepare it for the worst, it is forcing me imagine all kind of situation and how I am going to handle it. And along with it comes the bitter memories and anger towards the person who is causing it.
I know this is not healthy and believe me I am doing everything I can to get rid of these thoughts.
I have started studying so that whenever I get free time I can start doing that instead of thinking unnecessary things and it is helping me but ter comes a time when i just can’t stop these so that is why I thought if I can write here may be it might help me to get it out of my chest.
Click to expand...