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How To Forget Someone

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by daksh, Jul 16, 2018.

  1. daksh

    daksh Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks GeetaKashyap, your reply gave some solace. Now more than that longing/yearning/missing feeling, it is that guilty feeling that I am thinking about another man all the time, is giving me more pain. Now I have come to an acceptance that "Yes, I do like him, I cannot stop my heart from the way it feels, it is what it is. All I can do is think with my head and try to forget this and move on. And I am happy that I didn't act on my feelings in anyway, I didn't go for his farewell knowing that I am being too emotional and I cannot handle it seeing him leave. I did not try to meet him alone, deleted his goodbye email that he sent out to the entire team with his personal contact info.
     
  2. daksh

    daksh Silver IL'ite

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    I do feel guilty for making him to leave, but I don't think it is entirely because of me, I might have been just a contributing factor for him to take the plunge now. He would have left anyways a little later. During our one-on-one, he did mention to me that he really wanted to start a company and doing some groundwork for that and he might quit within a year or two.
    He is 46, old enough, he has 12 managers reporting to him, 84 people working under him. I don't think he would be silly enough to leave the job that he loves just for a girl that he knows for 3-4 months.
     
  3. daksh

    daksh Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Neerja, exactly what I am trying to do, forget and move on with my own life. But he made it it so hard for me. I never had any strong feelings for him before that one-on-one. During that one-on-one, I felt so bad looking at his sorry face once I told him that I am married. He kept saying that my husband is so lucky several times, and that he wants to invite us for dinner and he is going to learn to make chicken curry from his mom. But after that meeting, I never got to see him for the next two weeks, but he did so much for me behind the scenes it looks like, before he left. It looks like he made my manager to complete my probationary performance review earlier (it is supposed to happen after six moths of hire) and gave me excellent review. Last week I was told that I am getting merit increase because of that. Now whenever our CIO happen to see me anywhere, she stops and calls me by my name and asking me what projects I am working on currently. And the interim Director said to me openly that Mr. B likes you so much and he said so many positive things about you and asked him to give me the opportunity for the next implementation.

    Even at the time of his leaving, he has done so much for me without expecting anything back from me. I don't know if I will ever get to meet him again.
     
  4. daksh

    daksh Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Sunshine04. I don't think he left the job just for me.
     
  5. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Silver IL'ite

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    There is a possibility that you may have misinterpreted this man’s appreciation of your professional capabilities. I am presently a SAHM but I do remember getting special attention because I was good at what I did at work.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    3 hours meeting in conference room. Bypassing your immediate manager. Doing so much for you during the project, and even after he gave his resignation.

    Won't this have a negative impact on your future in the company? Colleagues might resent the special treatment you got/are getting?

    The feelings of guilt will go away with time. You may want to use this a learning experience. What to do if a colleague or supervisor seems to be romantically interested in you. How to handle it. How to nip it in the bud with minimal damage to you and other person. Looks like he was a gentleman. Not all men deal with rejection like he did. Spend some time thinking of a better way to handle such advances rather than showing your family pictures and saying that you are married.

    And, don't go overboard in suddenly trying to make things more romantic at home. It will make your husband wonder why. Along those lines, resist the urge if it strikes...the urge to unburden yourself by telling husband about what happened.

    Are you in the U.S.? A possible reason he left might be to avoid #MeToo kind of consequences. He took a big risk in favoring you so much, so openly. Maybe he realized it, and hence the quick moving on. You could have gone to HR with complaint about his special attentions. Such gossip spreads. A woman (not you in particular) can panic and take care of herself by pretending she didn't welcome the attention, and that it was unsolicited and made her uncomfortable.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2018
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  7. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    It's temporary infatuation and confusion that you are going through..
    Don't know wheat that colleague has for u, but he has helped u to move ahead in your job so you are at an advantage now..
    Maybe u are good at your job and deserved those good reviews and hikes..
    Maybe an iota of romantic feeling was also there in either side, but now that he has moved out of the company, u have some breathing space..
    Put it behind u and be cautious next onwards if anyone is doing too many favours for you..
    I suggest not keeping in touch with him on a personal level like phone, messaging etc as that would make it difficult to maintain a distance..
    Not all men are gentlemen.
     
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  8. lavani

    lavani Silver IL'ite

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    No one can forget anyone . My dad died 20 years back. I still remember like it was yesterday when he was dropping me in delhi railway station to chennai. I remember his shirt smell.

    So basically you remember that feeling that you had with him.

    Make new feelings and memories with your family. Sexually and emotionally. More you do more you will remember the new ones than old.

    That guy was feeling lonely and did that. But it is illegal. Next time watch out and raise concern with hr.
     
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  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I think the better way is try to stop your mind from thinking him. If the thought comes to your mind, tell yourself you don't spend even a second on it and force yourself to divert your mind. It takes time, but it will pass.

    Writing here and discussing again will make you think about him more. You can do a self-introspection and next make sure you give a body language of not interested, if you think someone is attracted to you. Obviously you too had some infatuation or something you cannot define well, be careful in future. Give some time for it to pass.

    In this case only he knows what he was in his mind. May be the tension or regret you have in your mind is not the reason for him to leave the job. Also don't encourage any personal contact with him in future too even if he try.

    "When a man is out of sight, it is not too long before he is out of mind"

    Move on with your life and try to focus on other aspects in your life including your married life, your career etc than thinking about him.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2018
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  10. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    @daksh
    Do him a favor. Don't ever put any of this down in writing or mention what u think he might have done professionally to help u because he was romantically interested in you.
    Its one thing to wish he could have invited u and ur husband home for lunch its another to bend the company rules when u are in a position of authority.
    Even IL isnt as anonymous as u think. Too many details. The posts cannot be edited. Avoid the impulse to share more.
    As for ur original question ..time away from him. That pretty much should do it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2018
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